SCENE 1. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.
OFFICE SCENES.
BRENT SIDLES UP TO OLIVER’S DESK.
BRENT:
Hello. You alright?
OLIVER:
Yeah, good, thanks.
BRENT:
Did you see that film last night, it was Denzel Washington?
OLIVER:
No –
BRENT:
He’s brilliant, he’s a brilliant actor.
OLIVER:
He’s very good, very good.
BRENT:
Oh dear …
OLIVER:
I like him.
BRENT:
He’s great. Oh. See you later.
OLIVER:
Yeah, see you later.
BRENT STROLLS OFF. OLIVER RETURNS TO WORK.
PAUSE.
BRENT QUICKLY SIDLES BACK INTO VIEW.
BRENT:
He’s not my favourite actor of all time, by the way.
OLIVER:
Oh no?
BRENT:
No. My favourite actor of all time is Mr Sidney Poitier.
OLIVER:
Oh …
BRENT:
So. That’s … alright?
OLIVER:
Yes. Amazing.
OLIVER TRIES TO DIGEST WHAT HAS JUST HAPPENED.
SCENE 2. INT. DESK AREA. DAY.
GARETH IS SITTING USING A HAND-EXERCISER.
TIM:
Gareth, what, are you building up your wrists?
GARETH:
Yes.
TIM:
When is the charity wankathon?
GARETH:
I don’t know, but you’d win it.
HE SMIRKS AT HIS OWN LIGHTNING WIT.
TIM:
That’s good. Good. No, seriously, what are you doing?
GARETH:
Orienteering, aren’t I, with the TAs …
DAWN WALKS OVER, ACCOMPANIED BY LEE.
TIM: (a little on edge)
Alright.
LEE:
Er, yeah. I just came to apologise for –
TIM:
Oh Lee, don’t worry about it.
LEE:
No, no, no, I was out of order. I’d had a bad day, I was really wound up, so I shouldn’t have done –
LEE PUTS A BOTTLE-SHAPED GIFT ON TIM’S DESK.
TIM:
No, I understand.
LEE:
So we’re cool, yeah?
TIM:
Oh yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, totally cool.
(POINTING TO THE GIFT.)
What’s that? Is that for me?
LEE:
Yeah.
TIM:
Oh, cheers. Thanks.
GARETH:
Just to put your mind at rest, there’s nothing going on between them. ’Cos I would know: I’ve been watching him like a hawk. And I imagine you’ve been watching her your end, so between us we got it covered.
THEY ALL STARE AT GARETH AND THEN CHOOSE TO IGNORE WHAT HE’S JUST SAID.
LEE:
See you later, mate.
TIM:
Yeah. Alright. Thanks for that, mate. Cheers.
LEE AND DAWN WALK AWAY.
GARETH EYES THE BOTTLE-SHAPED GIFT.
GARETH:
Probably a bottle of something.
TIM:
You reckon?
GARETH:
Look at the shape.
SCENE 3. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.
BRENT IS TALKING TO THE CAMERA. GARETH IS SITTING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK, NODDING IN AGREEMENT.
BRENT:
Today I’m doing our staff appraisals, and some people can get a little bit nervous about that because they think they’re walking the long mile to put their head on the block, which is wrong. They fill out a form in advance –
GARETH HOLDS ONE UP.
BRENT:
– and they don’t only list their strengths and weaknesses, but also mine as a boss, you know? So it’s a chance for them to tell me where we’re going wrong, and we can … It’s very much an opportunity to –
GARETH:
– to separate the wheat from the chaff!
BRENT:
Well, no, that sounds bad, this, you know, it’s not a witch hunt. We’re not trying to find out who the worst people are –
GARETH:
– well, we know who they are already.
BRENT:
Well, no –
GARETH:
I’ve written them on my form.
BRENT:
You shouldn’t have written them on your form.
GARETH:
I’ve underlined the worst ones.
BRENT:
Well, you’re missing the point.
BRENT GLANCES AT THE LIST, AND HE NODS IN AGREEMENT.
SCENE 4. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.
TIM COMES IN FOR HIS APPRAISAL.
TIM:
Hello David.
BRENT:
Here he is.
(PLAYING TO CAMERA)
Tim Canterbury. Good man. The Canterbury Tales … by Chaucer.
TIM:
Yeah.
BRENT:
And Shakespeare … Pleased with you, very proud.
TIM:
Thank you.
BRENT:
New leaf, et cetera. Trust. Encouragement. Reward. Loyalty. Satisfaction.
HE ACCOMPANIES HIS WORDS OF WISDOM WITH SOME ILLUSTRATIVE HAND MOVEMENTS.
BRENT:
That’s what I’m … Probably wondering why I am so generous with encouragement?
(POMPOUS)
“Trust people and they will be true to you; treat them greatly and they will show themselves to be great.”
TIM LOOKS BAFFLED.
BRENT:
So, happier now? No looking back.
TIM:
Well, I am still eventually gonna go back to uni and do a psychology degree, but yeah –
BRENT:
No point, no point, no point. No point. Sure: Eighteen, nineteen, go to university, get it out of your system, you know. Waste time mucking around, getting drunk, getting up at midday –
TIM:
– having casual sex.
BRENT:
Having casual sex, you know, but we’re in our thirties now.
TIM:
Well, I’m only just thirty. Are you, you must be thirty-nine?
BRENT: (dodging question)
No … Both in our thirties is the fact. Yeah? You know, who’s to say, you keep your head down, in a few years’ time you could be in the hot seat. Like me, so …
TIM: (musing)
When I’m nearly forty?
BRENT: (annoyed at the suggestion he’s nearly forty)
Well, we’re both in our thirties at the moment, is what I’m, you know … Just chewing the fat, but … Good, you’re on the right lines.
ANOTHER EPIGRAM STRIKES HIM.
BRENT:
Can I just … “If we’re facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.”
TIM:
Yeah. Very nice. You’re quite a philosopher.
BRENT: (pleased)
Well, it’s just that I think … “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.”
TIM:
Are you reading these?
BRENT:
Am I what?
TIM:
Reading the quotes?
BRENT:
Sort of.
TIM LEANS OVER TO READ BRENT’S PIECE OF PAPER.
TIM: (reading)
Confucius, Bernard Shaw …
BRENT: (covering up the names)
It doesn’t matter who said them first. I am passing on my wisdom to you.
TIM:
Cool.
BRENT: (pointing outside)
And don’t tell those I’ve just been reading them.
TIM:
I’m not going to.
BRENT:
It’s an insult. I’ll put them down there if it’s obvious.
HE HIDES THE PAPER ON THE FLOOR BENEATH HIS DESK.
SCENE 5. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.
DAWN’S APPRAISAL IS UNDER WAY.
DAWN:
I always wanted to be a children’s illustrator and when people said to me, “What do you do?”, I would say, “Well, I’m an illustrator but I do some reception work for a bit of extra cash.” And for years I was an illustrator who did some reception work. And then Lee thought it would be a good idea for us to both get full-time jobs. And, you know, then you’re knackered after work and it’s hard to fit in time for the illustrating. So now when people say, “What do you do?”, I say, “I’m a receptionist.”
BRENT: (missing the point because his mind has wandered)
And a bloody good one, and yeah, you’ll always have the art, you know. Keep up the doodling, always, you know. Pipe dreams are good in a way.
DAWN:
Well, I still hope it will happen, to be honest.
BRENT:
Keep the dream alive because otherwise one day you’ll go, “Oh, could I have made it?”
DAWN:
Yeah.
BRENT:
And if you keep trying, at least then when it doesn’t happen, you can go, “At least I gave it a go”, you know …
SCENE 6. INT. SMOKERS’ ROOM. DAY.
TIM IS HAVING A COFFEE WITH RACHEL.
TIM:
Are you settling in alright?
RACHEL:
Yeah.
TIM:
Having fun?
RACHEL:
Er, yeah.
TIM:
Well, not fun, as much fun as you can have at Wernham Hogg. How long were you at Swindon?
RACHEL:
Er, two years.
TIM:
Right.
RACHEL:
Two years.
TIM:
Right.
SCENE 7. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.
BRENT IS STILL IN CONVERSATION WITH DAWN.
BRENT:
Okay, if you had to name a role model, someone who’s influenced you, who would it be?
DAWN:
What, like a historical person?
BRENT:
No, someone in general life, just someone who’s been an influence on you.
DAWN:
I suppose my mum. She’s just strong, calm in the face of adversity. Oh God, I remember when she had her hysterectomy –
BRENT: (interrupting)
– if it wasn’t your mother though. I mean, it doesn’t even have to be a woman, it could be a –
DAWN:
– a man?
BRENT:
Yeah.
DAWN:
Okay, well I suppose if it was a man, it would be my father –
BRENT:
– not your father.
DAWN:
No?
BRENT:
Let’s take your parents as read. I’m looking for someone in the, sort of, work-related arena whose influence –
DAWN:
Right. Okay. Well, I suppose Tim then, he’s always –
BRENT:
– well, he’s a friend, isn’t he? Not a friend. Someone in authority. Maybe –
DAWN:
Well then, I suppose Jennifer –
BRENT: (annoyed)
I thought we said not a woman, didn’t we, or am I –
DAWN:
Okay, well, I suppose you’re the only one who –
BRENT: (mock-embarrassed)
Oh. Embarrassing. That’s backfired, hasn’t it? Oh dear. Very flattering, but can we put me, I don’t know …
DAWN:
Okay, Tim then.
BRENT: (curt)
We said not Tim, so, do you wanna put me or not?
DAWN:
Okay.
BRENT:
Right. So shall I put “strong role model”?
DAWN:
Okay.
BRENT:
Yeah.
SCENE 8. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.
PEOPLE ARE WORKING. SUDDENLY A LOUD SIREN STARTS RINGING. IT’S THE FIRE ALARM.
BRENT EXITS HIS OFFICE.
BRENT:
Just a drill. Do not panic, okay?
GARETH RUSHES OVER AND STARTS USHERING PEOPLE OUT OF THE FIRE EXIT.
BRENT: (to camera)
Look, trained. Good man, you know.
GARETH:
Come on people, let’s get moving. Do as you’re told. Come on. Do not run and do not panic …
HE CONTINUES SHOUTING INSTRUCTIONS.
BRENT: (to camera)
And I’d be the last one out in these situations, not because of my job description, that is what I’d do. I do these every couple of months, you know, you have to by law but that’s not why I do them. It’s because even though I’m always cool in a situation like this, some people are not, and so I try to make sure –
AS HE IS TALKING, BRENDA PASSES, BEING PUSHED IN HER WHEELCHAIR BY OLIVER. BRENT STOPS THEM.
BRENT:
I’ll do that. It’s alright.
PEOPLE TRY TO HELP.
BRENT:
No, no, no, no –
BRENT GRABS BRENDA’S WHEELCHAIR HANDLES. HE BENDS DOWN TO TALK TO BRENDA.
BRENT:
We’re gonna get you out of here.
Alright. So …
BRENT LOOKS AT THE CAMERA TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE HAS REGISTERED HIS CHARITY. HE PUSHES HER OUT OF THE ROOM.
SCENE 9. INT. STAIRWELL. DAY.
PEOPLE ARE MAKING THEIR WAY DOWN. TOGETHER, GARETH AND BRENT ARE CARRYING BRENDA, IN HER WHEELCHAIR, DOWN THE EMERGENCY STAIRS.
IT’S A STRUGGLE AND AS BRENT IS STILL TRYING TO TALK TO CAMERA, HE’S SOON OUT OF BREATH.
BRENT: (to camera)
Obviously – the lifts are out of bounds in a fire situation, so the important thing is –
(TO GARETH)
Put her down, will you?
OUT OF BREATH, THEY PUT THE WHEELCHAIR DOWN.
BRENT:
This isn’t worth it. It’s stupid …
Obviously in a real situation we’d take her all the way down, but this is just a drill, so I think we can leave her here.
BRENDA:
Can’t I just use the lift?
GARETH:
No. Not even in a drill. Never use the lift.
BRENT:
We’ll be out … We’ll be one minute, then we’ll be back.
BRENT WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS HUFFING AND PUFFING.
BRENDA, ‘LEFT TO BURN’, LOOKS FORLORNLY AT THE CAMERA.
SCENE 10. EXT. CAR PARK. DAY.
PEOPLE ARE GATHERED OUTSIDE. TIM IS PUTTING ON THE CHARM FOR RACHEL. DAWN REGISTERS THIS.
GARETH TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.
GARETH:
I don’t know if you’re aware of the situation that’s arising here. I usually stay clear of the ladies at work, but there is someone I’ve got my eye on. I won’t say who, and I don’t know what Tim’s playing at, moving in. He’s already embarrassed himself once before asking Dawn out, so this is only going to end in tears. Whereas I, you probably notice, play it cool. He’s not a man of the world like me. I can read women and you’ve got to know their wants and their needs, and that can be anything from making sure she’s got enough money to buy groceries each week to making sure she’s gratified sexually after intercourse.
SCENE 11. EXT. CAR PARK. DAY
PEOPLE ARE STILL MILLING AROUND.
CUT TO: BRENDA STILL LEFT ABANDONED IN THE STAIRWELL.
IN THE CAR PARK, THE ALARM HAS STOPPED AND PEOPLE ARE MAKING THEIR WAY BACK INTO THE BUILDING. DAWN CATCHES UP WITH TIM ON THE WAY IN.
DAWN: (clearly jealous)
Noticed you were using all your best lines on Rachel.
TIM:
Best lines? Just being friendly.
DAWN:
Yes. Friendly. Sort of … more than …
TIM:
More than?
DAWN:
Friendly.
SCENE 12. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.
BRENT IS GIVING BIG KEITH HIS APPRAISAL. IT’S SLOW GOING.
BRENT: (reading KEITH’s form)
Under strengths, you’ve just put ‘accounts’.
KEITH:
Yep.
BRENT:
That’s your job, though, that’s just …
KEITH:
Mmm.
BRENT:
No, Keith, I was sort of looking for your skills within your job so is there anything else you could’ve put there?
KEITH SHRUGS.
BRENT:
No? Okay, under weaknesses – you’ve put eczema …
SCENE 13. INT. SMOKERS’ ROOM. DAY.
RACHEL IS CHATTING WITH DAWN.
DAWN:
You had a really fantastically welcoming buffet.
RACHEL:
The wine was something else …
DAWN:
And everyone’s quite friendly
RACHEL:
Yeah, everyone’s … And Tim … Tim seems nice.
DAWN:
Yeah.
RACHEL:
He’s a good laugh. I was just gonna … Has he got a, a girlfriend, or – ?
DAWN: (laughing)
Tim? No.
RACHEL:
Why? What’s up with him?
DAWN:
Oh, nothing. Why?
RACHEL:
Would you?
DAWN: (holding up her engagement ring)
Out of the equation.
RACHEL:
Yeah, I know, but if you weren’t, would he be … ?
DAWN: (laughing nervously)
If I weren’t … Madness.
SCENE 14. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.
BRENT LOOKS THROUGH KEITH’S FORM.
BRENT:
Right, you’ve left this section completely blank, Keith. You haven’t done the Q and A.
KEITH:
I thought that you filled that in.
BRENT:
No, no, no, no, this is aimed at you, look: “To what extent do you believe that you have the skills and knowledge to perform your job effectively?” And then you just tick one of the boxes. “Not at all.” “To some extent.” “Very much so.” “Don’t know.” What would you tick?
KEITH:
Don’t know.
BRENT:
Okay.
(HE TICKS THE BOX)
Question 2: “Do you feel you have received adequate training to use your computer effectively?”
KEITH:
What are the options?
BRENT: (slightly frustrated, but wanting to be encouraging)
Same as … They’re always the same, always the same. “Not at all.” “To some extent.” “Very much so.” “Don’t know.”
KEITH:
Don’t know.
BRENT:
“Don’t know” again? Okay. “Do you feel you are given the flexibility to decide how best to accomplish your goals?”
KEITH CHEWS GUM AND STARES BLANKLY AT BRENT.
BRENT:
Do you want the options again?
KEITH:
Yes.
BRENT:
“Not at all.” “To some extent.” Always the same. “Very much so.” “Don’t – ”
KEITH: (interrupting)
Don’t know.
BRENT: (slightly agitated)
If “Don’t know” wasn’t there, what would you put?
KEITH:
What are the options?
BRENT: (anger rising)
“Not at all.” “To some extent.” “Very much so.” “Don’t know.”
KEITH:
Very much so.
BRENT:
Do you remember what the question was?
KEITH:
No.
BRENT:
Okay, do you … Let’s … We’re going to leave that there.
SCENE 15. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE/MEETING ROOM. DAY.
THE CAMERA IS FOLLOWING BRENT TOWARDS THE MEETING ROOM.
BRENT: (to camera)
Just gonna give the new Swindon lot a bit of a … not an appraisal as such but, you know …
A LAUGH GOES UP FROM INSIDE THE MEETING ROOM. BRENT ENTERS. THE NEW SWINDON INTAKE ARE SITTING IN A SEMI-CIRCLE. NEIL IS CHATTING TO THEM AND SHOWING THEM SOME PHOTOS.
BRENT: (to NEIL)
Keeping them occupied for me. The main event. I hope you warmed them up better than last time. Doesn’t look like it.
NEIL:
Okay … see you later … Have fun.
THERE IS A CHORUS OF “GOODBYES” FROM THE SWINDON CREW.
BRENT SMILES AND WATCHES NEIL LEAVE.
BRENT:
Anyway, good … Hello. Obviously, I can’t give you an appraisal as such – you’ve only been here a week – but I did want to try to get a flavour of how you’re all settling in. I know it’s probably not the same vibe that you’re used to – Neil ruled with a bit more of an iron fist, I know, than me – but … Settling in, having a good time?
THERE ARE UNCOMMITTED NODS AND SHRUGS.
BRENT:
How is it different?
NO-ONE ANSWERS.
BRENT:
More laid-back presumably?
(POINTING TO A SWINDON EMPLOYEE)
Do you think it’s more laid-back?
THE SWINDON EMPLOYEE MUMBLES.
BRENT: (aggressive)
Yes?
SWINDON EMPLOYEE:
Yes.
BRENT:
Say “Yes”, then, if you think it’s more laid-back. More laid-back, more fun …
TRUDY: (under breath)
Well …
BRENT: (hearing this, agitated)
Uh?
TRUDY:
Nothing.
BRENT:
Go on.
TRUDY:
Well, we’re actually used to doing stuff like, working hard, you know, being motivated, but there’s not much dynamism out there, is there? I mean people look like they’re getting away with murder.
BRENT:
Having a laugh. Yes.
TRUDY:
Well, I think quite a few of us are bored.
PEOPLE NOD IN AGREEMENT.
BRENT:
Oh, what, you preferred Swindon?
SWINDON EMPLOYEE:
More of a laugh.
BRENT:
You’re having a laugh, saying that! What’s so good about Swindon? Neil?
SWINDON EMPLOYEE:
Yeah, for one.
BRENT:
What? You prefer Neil to me?
THEIR SILENCE SPEAKS VOLUMES.
BRENT:
Who thinks Neil is more of a laugh than me? Hands up.
EVERYONE PUTS UP THEIR HANDS.
BRENT:
That’s mental. Come off it. You … We’re gonna have a drink, come out for a drink with me and see who’s more of a laugh, yeah? Put your money where your mouth is. Right. We’ll go for a drink lunchtime. We’ll go … Right.
HE RUSHES OUT INTO THE OPEN-PLAN AREA.
BRENT:
Right. Here we are. Right. It’s an outing. Okay? Lunchtime. Show that lot what the Slough lot are like. Yeah? Keith, what are you doing lunchtime?
SCENE 16. INT. PUB. DAY.
THE PUB IS ONE OF THOSE NEWISH, PURPOSE-BUILT, INDUSTRIAL-ESTATE PUBS WITH NO ATMOSPHERE.
THREE OF THE SWINDON STAFF ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE. BIG KEITH AND MOUSY SHEILA ARE THE ONLY SLOUGH REGULARS WHO ARE PRESENT.
BRENT COMES OVER CARRYING DRINKS AND DISHES THEM OUT.
BRENT:
Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous.
No. Purely social. I know someone who is an alcoholic and it is no laughing matter, particularly for his wife, so … And she’s got alopecia, so not a happy home life. And their eldest is like that Dustin Hoffman in ‘Rainman’ so, that’s probably what turned him to it in the first place.
BRENDA IS LEANING FORWARD TO TAKE A CRISP FROM A PACKET OPEN ON THE TABLE. AS SHE DOES SO, BRENT RUDELY PULLS HER WHEELCHAIR BACKWARDS SO HE CAN GET PAST. SHE’S YANKED AWAY FROM THE CRISPS.
BRENT, IN A CHEERY MOOD, SITS DOWN.
BRENT:
So, looking forward to the weekend? Cheers.
PEOPLE MUTTER “CHEERS”, BUT CONVERSATION IS NON-EXISTENT. BRENT POINTS AT HIS PINT OF BEER.
BRENT: (making conversation)
That’s a lovely drop of ale, that. That’s Courage. You get a lot of that round here … ’cos the, the main brewery’s in Reading … so er, they do it all over, they do it in London and everything so, er … What’s the brewery in Swindon? Is there a big …
SWINDON EMPLOYEES:
Don’t know.
BRENT:
It might be Courage, actually.
SWINDON EMPLOYEE:
I don’t know.
BRENT LOOKS ROUND THE PUB.
BRENT:
No, er… This is alright though, innit?
ONE OF THE SWINDON EMPLOYEES POINTS SOMETHING OUT ACROSS THE ROOM TO ONE OF HIS SWINDON COLLEAGUES. THEY WHISPER TO ONE ANOTHER. ONE LAUGHS.
BRENT: (noticing)
Uh?
SWINDON EMPLOYEE:
No. It’s just a private joke.
BRENT:
Alright. I was saying, you think this is nice: there’s a lovely pub near me, the Gardener’s Arms …
THE SWINDON DUO WHISPER TO EACH OTHER AGAIN.
BRENT:
What? What are you doing?
SWINDON EMPLOYEE:
Oh, it’s just a bloke over there looks like someone we know …
BRENT: (slightly agitated)
Okay. One at a time. Focus, yeah, so … You get more out of it in the long run. I promise you that. I forgot what I was saying then; that’s what happens when you’re …
HE’S LOST HIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT. THERE’S A PAINFUL SILENCE.
SCENE 17. INT. SMOKERS’ ROOM. DAY.
TIM AND DAWN ARE SITTING IN THE SMOKERS’ ROOM, BANTERING, WHILE TIM PRACTISES DARTS. RACHEL COMES IN.
RACHEL:
Hiya.
TIM:
Hi.
RACHEL:
A couple of mates of mine are going down to Yates’s –
TIM:
The wine lodge? Classy.
RACHEL:
Well, I was wondering if you would like to come down with us – or not.
(AFTERTHOUGHT)
And you, Dawn, you can bring Lee if you like.
DAWN:
Oh, I don’t think we’d be able to –
RACHEL: (interrupting)
Okay.
(TO TIM)
But you can come?
TIM THROWS A SUBTLE LOOK AT DAWN, AS THOUGH GETTING HER PERMISSION. SHE OFFERS LITTLE IN RETURN, SO HE MAKES THE DECISION ON HIS OWN.
TIM:
Yeah, yeah, that’d be great thanks.
RACHEL:
Great. Okay, um …
TIM:
You’re talking about tonight.
RACHEL:
Yeah.
TIM:
Yeah, brilliant.
RACHEL: Yeah, you know just after work or —
TIM: Yeah, alright, we’ll have a couple of drinks. Yeah.
RACHEL: Cool …
TIM: Excellent.
RACHEL: Okay.
TIM: Good work. See you in a bit, alright.
SHE SMILES, STILL A BIT EMBARRASSED, AND LEAVES AGAIN. TIM AND DAWN SIT IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT. DAWN BREAKS THE SILENCE.
DAWN: That’ll be fun.
TIM: Yeah. Yes. Yeah. That will be cool. Cool as a cucumber.
THE SILENCE RESUMES.
SCENE 18. INT. PUB. DAY. KEITH IS FINISHING EATING A PIE. PEOPLE ARE SITTING IN SILENCE, WATCHING HIM EAT. HE SEEMS TO TAKE FOREVER.
BRENT: Good?
KEITH: It was alright.
BRENT: I’ve, I’ve eaten here so … If you want a really good pie, the Gardener’s
YET ANOTHER PREGNANT PAUSE.
BRENT: This has been a wash-out, hasn’t it? I don’t know why I bother if no-one else is gonna make the effort, you know …
SWINDON EMPLOYEE: We have made the effort.
BRENT: Uh?
SWINDON EMPLOYEE: We have made the effort.
BRENT: Yeah, I’m not having a go at you, it’s just – (HE GESTURES AT BRENDA) — obviously the best people haven’t turned up and it’s just … I’m gonna shoot off back to the office. See you later.
HE WALKS OFF ABRUPTLY, LEAVING EVERYONE SITTING AT THE TABLE, SPEECHLESS.
SCENE 19. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE DAY.
BRENT COMES BACK INTO THE OFFICE. A LITTLE GAME OF FRENCH CRICKET IS UNDER WAY. NEIL IS BATTING. TIM, GARETH AND A FEW OTHERS ARE FIELDING. EVERYONE IS LAUGHING AND ENJOYING THEMSELVES. BRENT MAKES A BEE-LINE FOR GARETH.
BRENT: What you doing?
GARETH: Having a laugh.
BRENT: Are you? Pity you couldn’t have had a laugh in the pub at lunchtime. Selfish.
GARETH: What?
BRENT: Bit dangerous isn’t it? In an office. If you want to work, maybe you should work. As it’s quarter past two.
NEIL: Yeah, alright, we’re just finishing off now.
BRENT: (mimicking) “Yeah, we’re finishing off.” Just want to be popular as the new boss. “Ooh, love me.” Pathetic.
BRENT WALKS INTO HIS OFFICE.
NEIL: (taken aback) Um, right, I think we should call it a day there. Tim, do you want to put those away? Guys, can you go back to work now, please? Sorry about that.
NEIL WALKS INTO BRENT’S OFFICE. WE SPY ON THEM THROUGH THE WINDOW.
NEIL: David, can I have a word please?
BRENT: If you want.
NEIL: I’m confused. I don’t know what just happened there, but obviously you’ve got a problem with something. What is it?
BRENT: No, time for work, wasn’t it? That’s what you say. Let’s work, instead of mucking around in the office.
NEIL: You see, your attitude confuses me. If you don’t want to tell me what the problem is, then fine, but don’t speak to me like that in front of staff, okay, because you’re acting like a petulant kid.
BRENT: Young at heart.
NEIL: If you’ve got a problem, come and speak to me, but don’t stand out there and embarrass me and yourself, because I will not stand for it, okay? I’ve been trying to be nice. I’ve been trying to deal with this situation delicately because I was mildly embarrassed that we were equivalents and now I’m your boss, but that’s the deal: live with it. I don’t let anyone talk to me the way you just did — not my staff, not my boss, no-one — and certainly not you. Do you understand?
BRENT: (humbled) Yeah.
NEIL: Do you understand?
BRENT: (nearly inaudible) Yes.
NEIL: Good. Look, you’re a good bloke, Dave, and if there’s a problem I’d rather we discuss it sensibly than have to have these little chats. Alright?
BRENT: Yeah.
NEIL: Shake on it?
BRENT SHAKES NEIL’S HAND.
NEIL: Great. Thank you.
NEIL EXITS. BRENT WATCHES HIM LEAVE.
SCENE 20. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.
NEIL SAYS GOODBYE TO TIM AND GARETH AND LEAVES. BRENT EMERGES FROM HIS OFFICE TO JOIN THEM.
BRENT: (hushed tones, conspiratorial) Did you hear that? Did you hear any of the conversation in there?
TIM: No.
BRENT: I’ve just had it out with Neil. He showed his true colours, didn’t he?
TIM: What do you mean? He’s alright. He seems like a good bloke.
BRENT: Is that what you think? Oh, I’d better not say anything then. Watch your back. (HE POINTS TO GARETH) He was slagging you off.
TIM: What?
BRENT: Slagging you off.
GARETH: What, me personally?
BRENT: Yeah.
GARETH: What. Just me?
BRENT: Yeah. (POINTS TO TIM) And you slagging all you lot off.
GARETH: What was he saying?
BRENT: Just going, “Oh yeah, your lot are rubbish”, and that. And I was going, “Our lot are rubbish? Your Swindon lot are shit…” And he got aggressive and I went berserk.
GARETH: Did you hit him?
BRENT: No. If I had have done, he’d have come through that wall.
TIM: I don’t know, he’s pretty trim, mate.
BRENT: Yeah? Against karate?
TIM: So, David, what did he actually say about us?
BRENT: (to the huddle) He was just slagging you lot off. And I went, “Your Swindon lot are little slugs. They’re little slugs, with no personality. On a serious note, if it did kick off between me and him, get out, I don’t want you lot getting hurt, it’s not worth it.
GARETH: Well, I’d step in if you want.
BRENT: No, this would be big boy shit, mate, but cheers …
GARETH: (demonstrating a move) Use that one … Hit them really hard above their ears, it causes a vacuum in their brain, kills them instantly.
BRENT: (slightly manic now) I wouldn’t want him to die. I’d want to keep the little twat alive, with the shit I was gonna pull on him.
HE LEAVES THIS HANGING IN THE AIR AND WALKS OFF.
SCENE 21. INT. KITCHEN. DAY.
RACHEL IS MAKING COFFEE. GARETH APPROACHES.
GARETH: Alright. Hi.
RACHEL: Hello.
GARETH: You don’t have a boyfriend do you?
RACHEL: No.
GARETH: Any kids from previous marriages or anything?
RACHEL: Er, no.
GARETH: Would you like to come out for a drink with me tonight?
RACHEL: Um, I can’t, I’m afraid. I’m gonna go out with Tim, so…
GARETH: Tonight?
RACHEL: Yeah.
GARETH: Can I come?
RACHEL: Er, not really.
GARETH: But you’re not planning on getting off with him, or anything?
RACHEL: Look, I don’t think this is any of your business.
GARETH: No, sorry, it’s none of my business. No, you go out, have a drink by all means. Enjoy yourself. Just know that if you don’t go all the way with Tim, I will still be interested. Right?
RACHEL: Thanks, that’s, er… It’s good to know I have something to fall back on.
GARETH: Yeah.
RACHEL: (winding him up) What if I do go all the way with Tim, but I want a little bit more with you?
GARETH: (oblivious to the sarcasm) I don’t usually do sloppy seconds, but I judge everything on its individual merits. So we’ll cross that river when we come to it.
RACHEL: Thanks. That’s good to know.
GARETH: No problem.
GARETH WALKS OFF. JAMIE ENTERS THE KITCHEN.
JAMIE: You boiling the kettle?
RACHEL: Yes, it’s actually just boiled so… GARETH LEANS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN.
GARETH: One amendment. If you do go all the way with Tim and you expect me to go in there afterwards —
HE POINTS TO RACHEL’S GROIN. SHE LOOKS DOWN. JAMIE LOOKS DOWN AS WELL.
GARETH:
Make sure he wears a condom. Alright? Sort of a rule.
HE WALKS OFF.
JAMIE CONTINUES TO MAKE COFFEE, RACHEL EMBARRASSED, HE DUMBFOUNDED.
JAMIE: (making conversation) Is there any milk?
RACHEL: Yeah. Um, it’s in the fridge
SCENE 22. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.
BRENT IS SITTING IN HIS OFFICE LOOKING PENSIVE.
DAWN HAS HER COAT ON AND IS SWITCHING OFF HER COMPUTER. TIM AND RACHEL LEAVE TOGETHER – DAWN WATCHES THEM GO.
OTHER PEOPLE ARE LEAVING. DAWN TAKES A FILE IN TO BRENT, CLEARLY ON HER WAY HOME.
BRENT: Cheers. Oh, can you call Milsons and get that credit breakdown faxed over, or e-mailed, or whatever?
DAWN: Yep. Sure.
BRENT: And, er, do you mind typing up those appraisal contracts ASAP? I want to get them back to them.
DAWN: Sure. Okay. See you Monday.
BRENT: See you later.
SHE IS ON HER WAY OUT.
BRENT: Dawn — I’m fed up. I’m fed up, to be honest. It’s just I…
THIS SUDDEN OUTBURST CATCHES DAWN STANDING IN LIMBO BETWEEN BRENT AND THE DOOR.
DAWN: Oh. Why?
BRENT: This place, I don’t say anything… But this place, sometimes I think it’s a right shit-hole.
DAWN: Do you?
BRENT: Yeah.
PAUSE.
BRENT: Do you think I’m funny?
DAWN: Uh-huh. Yep.
BRENT: Do you think Neil’s funny? Sit down.
HE MOTIONS TO A CHAIR. DAWN FEELS OBLIGED TO SIT DOWN.
DAWN: Do I think Neil’s funny? Er …
BRENT: Yeah.
DAWN: I don’t really know him, David.
BRENT: But he’s not funnier than me?
DAWN: No, definitely not.
BRENT: No. Right. I wish you’d tell that to the Swindon lot – miserable bunch of … ain’t they, some of them? Boring.
DAWN: Mmm.
BRENT: What’s your favourite stuff that I do, comedy-wise?
DAWN: (bluffing) Um, oh, there’s too much.
BRENT: Impressions?
DAWN: (leaping on his suggestion) Oh, yes.
BRENT: Which ones?
DAWN: Er, oh … Which ones are there again?
BRENT: Kermit.
DAWN: Kermit. Brilliant.
BRENT: (as Kermit the Frog) “Er, welcome to The Muppet Show.”
DAWN FORCES A LAUGH. BRENT LOOKS PLEASED.
BRENT: (as Miss Piggy) “Hi yah, frog!”
HE SWINGS HIS HAND TOWARDS DAWN’S HEAD, STOPPING JUST SHORT OF GIVING HER A CHOP TO THE NECK.
BRENT: Miss Piggy. Do you know Kermit’s nephew, Robin? Here’s one … (SINGING) Halfway up the stairs is the stair where I sit …
DAWN: Do you do Gonzo?
BRENT: No. Do you want a beer?
DAWN: Er, I can’t go to the pub.
BRENT: No, no, no, I’ve got some here. For emergencies.
HE DISAPPEARS BEHIND HIS DESK.
DAWN, STILL IN HER COAT, LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE.
BRENT REAPPEARS WITH TWO LITTLE BOTTLES OF BEER. HE HANDS ONE TO DAWN AND SHUFFLES HIS CHAIR ROUND TO BE NEXT TO HER.
BRENT: Cheers … I was looking through some of my old poems I used to do.
DAWN: Oh, do you —
BRENT: Yeah.
DAWN: Oh, I didn’t know. Yeah, so what sort of —
BRENT: Quite, sort of, powerful. Here’s one. Shall I read one to you? This one’s called ‘Excalibur’.
(RECITING LOUDLY) I froze your tears and made a dagger, And stabbed it in my cock forever — It stays there like Excalibur. Are you my Arthur? Say you are.
DAWN: Good —
BRENT: Take this cool dark steeléd blade, Steal it, sheathe it in your lake. I’d drown with you to be together. Must you breathe, ‘cause I need heaven.
DAWN: Ahh, it’s … powerful.
BRENT: Very. And double meanings, did you get the double meanings?
DAWN: I did.
BRENT SITS BACK AND MUSES ON THINGS. HE ABSENT- MINDEDLY BLOWS INTO HIS BOTTLE TOP. IT MAKES A LITTLE WHISTLING NOISE. DAWN LOOKS ON, UNABLE TO ESCAPE.
CLOSING MUSIC AND END CREDITS, THEN:
DAWN AND BRENT ARE BOTH STILL SITTING IN HIS OFFICE, BLOWING INTO THEIR BOTTLES.