Charity

SCENE 1. INT. RECEPTION AREA. DAY.

DAWN IS BEHIND THE RECEPTION DESK, WATCHING BRENT AS HE ADDRESSES THE CAMERA.

WE HAVE NEVER SEEN BRENT AS GLEEFUL AS HE IS TODAY. HE CANNOT STOP GIGGLING. HE’S LIKE A CHILD AT CHRISTMAS.

BRENT: (giggling) Hello, just another normal day at the office, innit?

BRENT TURNS HIS BACK ON THE CAMERA. WHEN HE TURNS BACK HE’S WEARING A PLASTIC RED NOSE.

BRENT: Just a normal day, innit, so … What? (TO DAWN) What are you laughing at?

SHE IS NOT LAUGHING.

BRENT: (giggling) No, obviously Red Nose day – it’s always a good laugh, we had a …

HE SPOTS SOMETHING OFF-SCREEN.

BRENT: Keith, here, right. This is the sort of thing …

BIG KEITH APPEARS. HE IS DRESSED AS ALI G.

BRENT: (giggling) Ali G. Ali Keith. (HE SPOTS SOMETHING ELSE) Gareth come here, right – (TO CAMERA) Look at this, normal day, right? Just a normal office.

WE SEE GARETH HOPPING OVER.

BRENT: (laughing hysterically) What are you doing?

GARETH: I’ve got to hop everywhere. I’m being sponsored.

BRENT: (to camera) Hopping everywhere! So that’s the sort of thing we’ll be doing today. We always have a good laugh; raised quite a lot last time, didn’t we? (HE SUDDENLY BECOMES OVER-EARNEST) But you know, on a serious note, it is Comic Relief and we are raising money for people who are starving to death. If I make people laugh while I’m saving lives, sue me. But, er, you know … (HE NOTICES KEITH AND GIGGLES AGAIN) Do it.

KEITH: (with usual lack of emotion) Booyakasha.

BRENT: That’s an accountant. And that’s the boss encouraging it. So what sort of a day is it? Is it normal? I’ve got the Slough Gazette coming down to take a photo.

GARETH: What time are they coming down?

BRENT: About five-ish. So …

GARETH: They’ll love us, won’t they?

BRENT: No, I think it’s just me. I’ve got something planned, so …

GARETH: But we can all be in it though?

BRENT: Well, not really, I called them, so …

GARETH: But they’ll love us, all being stupid –

BRENT: (annoyed) Stop trying to worm your way into someone else’s photo.

HE TAKES THE NOSE OFF AND STANDS THERE, ANNOYED.

SCENE 2. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE/RECEPTION AREA. DAY.

OFFICE SCENES: TRUDY IS WEARING DEELY-BOPPERS AND SHEILA IS SPORTING AN ILL-FITTING WONDERWOMAN OUTFIT. EVEN ‘MONKEY’ HAS JOINED IN THE ENFORCED MERRIMENT AND IS SPORTING A RED NOSE.

BRENT IS POINTING TO DAWN, WHO IS SITTING BEHIND RECEPTION WEARING RED LIPSTICK AND WITH HER HAIR IN BUNCHES. A D.I.Y. SIGN SAYS “KISSES FOR £1!”

BRENT: (to camera) Everyone’s joining in. This young lady. Ooh – (POINTING AT SIGN) – a bit saucy, selling kisses, for the lads – or the ladies, if there’s any ladies that like that sort of … I don’t think there are any in this office and if there are, good luck to them: they’re all welcome, we’re all equal now, so … It’s different for girls anyway. It’s more light-hearted, lower risk …

GARETH: Erotic …

BRENT: (hearing GARETH, then pointing at DAWN) Well, not in this case. (REALISING WHAT HE’S SAID) I mean it’s not a sexual day. It’s, er, you know …

CHRIS FINCH WALKS IN.

BRENT: (laughing, to camera) Oh, you thought it was bad before – here’s the man: Finchy!

FINCHY NOTICES DAWN’S SIGN.

FINCH: Brentmeister!

BRENT: Here we go.

FINCH: Oh, kisses for a quid.

BRENT: Oh. He’s seen it!

FINCH: It’s a good cause. Do you mind kissing me on the nose?

DAWN: No. Put your quid in.

HE OPENS HIS JACKET. HE’S WEARING A RED NOSE IN HIS FLIES.

FINCH: Okay. Kiss me on the nose!

BRENT AND GARETH CRACK UP.

FINCH: (to BRENT) Hey, what do I get for a tenner?

BRENT: Oh no.

HE SLAPS A TENNER ON THE RECEPTION DESK AND MIMES VIOLENT SHAGGING, COMPLETE WITH PELVIC THRUSTS THAT LEAVE LITTLE TO THE IMAGINATION.

FINCH: Squeal, piggy, squeal!

FINCH’S SIMULATED RUTTING CONTINUES FOR QUITE SOME TIME. DAWN LOOKS ON IN DISBELIEF. BRENT AND GARETH FIND THIS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS THEY’VE EVER SEEN – THEY’LL BE TALKING ABOUT IT FOR WEEKS.

NOT BEFORE TIME, FINCH STOPS AND TAKES HIS TENNER BACK.

FINCH: No, I’m not that desperate.

BRENT: (laughing, to camera) Oh, who says famine has to be depressing?

BRENT DOES SOME LITTLE PELVIC THRUSTS OF HIS OWN.

SCENE 3. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM IS WORKING AT HIS DESK. GARETH HOPS OVER. TIM LOOKS ON, UNAMUSED. WE SEE THAT BEN, A SLOUGH EMPLOYEE, HAS HIS SUIT ON BACK TO FRONT.

GARETH: Erotic …

BRENT: (hearing GARETH, then pointing at DAWN) Well, not in this case. (REALISING WHAT HE’S SAID) I mean it’s not a sexual day. It’s, er, you know …

CHRIS FINCH WALKS IN.

BRENT: (laughing, to camera) Oh, you thought it was bad before – here’s the man: Finchy!

FINCHY NOTICES DAWN’S SIGN.

FINCH: Brentmeister!

BRENT: Here we go.

FINCH: Oh, kisses for a quid.

BRENT: Oh. He’s seen it!

FINCH: It’s a good cause. Do you mind kissing me on the nose?

DAWN: No. Put your quid in.

HE OPENS HIS JACKET. HE’S WEARING A RED NOSE IN HIS FLIES.

FINCH: Okay. Kiss me on the nose!

BRENT AND GARETH CRACK UP.

FINCH: (to BRENT) Hey, what do I get for a tenner?

BRENT: Oh no.

HE SLAPS A TENNER ON THE RECEPTION DESK AND MIMES VIOLENT SHAGGING, COMPLETE WITH PELVIC THRUSTS THAT LEAVE LITTLE TO THE IMAGINATION.

FINCH: Squeal, piggy, squeal!

FINCH’S SIMULATED RUTTING CONTINUES FOR QUITE SOME TIME. DAWN LOOKS ON IN DISBELIEF. BRENT AND GARETH FIND THIS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS THEY’VE EVER SEEN – THEY’LL BE TALKING ABOUT IT FOR WEEKS.

NOT BEFORE TIME, FINCH STOPS AND TAKES HIS TENNER BACK.

FINCH: No, I’m not that desperate.

BRENT: (laughing, to camera) Oh, who says famine has to be depressing?

BRENT DOES SOME LITTLE PELVIC THRUSTS OF HIS OWN.

SCENE 3. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM IS WORKING AT HIS DESK. GARETH HOPS OVER. TIM LOOKS ON, UNAMUSED. WE SEE THAT BEN, A SLOUGH EMPLOYEE, HAS HIS SUIT ON BACK TO FRONT.

SCENE 4. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM IS NOW TALKING TO THE CAMERA.

TIM: Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against this sort of thing. It’s a good cause, but I just don’t want to have to join in with someone else’s idea of wackiness, okay? It’s the wackiness I can’t stand. It’s like, you see Cancer outside Asda collecting for personally Research ‘cos they’ve been, or I dunno, affected by it, or whatever, or selling poppies: there’s an old bloke selling poppies: there’s a dignity about that. A real quiet dignity.

TIM LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER. GARETH AND BRENT AND A FEW OTHERS ARE WRESTLING BEN OFF HIS CHAIR.

TIM: (to camera) And that’s what today’s all about. Dignity …

TIM LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER AGAIN. GARETH AND THE GANG HAVE NOW PULLED OFF BEN’S TROUSERS AND UNDERPANTS TO EXPOSE HIS PRIVATE PARTS TO THE CAMERA.

TIM: (to camera) … always dignity.

BRENT AND GARETH ARE HAVING THE TIME OF THEIR LIFE.

BEN: You bastards! My wife and kids are going to see those!

SCENE 5. INT. RECEPTION AREA. DAY.

BRENT IS STANDING WITH GARETH.

BRENT: Sure. There’s people watching this now, going: “Oi Brent, why are you still bothering with Comic Relief? They’re always doing it and there’s still people starving.” That’s why I’m still doing it; that’s why you should too, you know … (TO UNSEEN INTERVIEWER) Probably put a number up there, shall we, if people wanna make donations?

BRENT HELPFULLY POINTS HIS FINGER TO INDICATE THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN.

BRENT: And I hear people go, “Oh no, the money just goes to hungry foreigners.” Not true. A lot of it stays in this country and goes to home-grown problems, a.k.a. –

BRENT HAS NOTICED BRENDA SITTING AT HER DESK IN HER WHEELCHAIR. HE GRABS HER CHAIR, PULLING HER BACKWARDS AND SWINGING HER ROUND TO FACE THE CAMERA.

BRENT: – the disableds. You know, a lot of money goes to these fellas. (TO BRENDA) I’m not saying it goes to you, you know. You don’t need it, do you? You’re working. But – if you do claim for it, you probably claim for other stuff and that’s up to you, as long as you don’t abuse the system, you know. (TO CAMERA) Sadly a lot of them are.

BRENDA: What do you mean?

BRENT: A lot of people are abusing the system.

TIM IS AT HIS DESK, LISTENING.

GARETH: (chipping in) You’ve got to make sure that the people who say that they’re crippled –

BRENT: (correcting him) – disabled –

GARETH: – actually are –

BRENT: – disabled.

BRENDA: What? Are you suggesting that people pretend to be disabled in order to claim money off the DSS?

GARETH: I don’t know, I’m just saying there should be tests, that’s all.

TIM: Oh God. What tests?

GARETH: Well, stick pins in their legs – see if they react …

BRENDA: That is not going to work. I have feelings in my legs, I just can’t walk.

GARETH: Alright. I’m just saying there should be tests.

TIM: We’re all ears, Gareth.

GARETH: Oh, I don’t know. When they go down the DSS to make a claim, they should set off a fire alarm, a fake fire alarm. Everybody legs it out of the office, leaving them there. If they’re a fake they’ll be up and running with you; if they’re real, they’ll be left there … screaming … for help –

TIM REACTS.

GARETH: – and then you just come back in and say, “It’s alright, don’t cry; it’s just a test. You’ve passed – here’s your money.”

BRENT: Yeah, spend it on what you like, one of those little blue cars or whatever you want …

SILENCE.

GARETH: That’s just one idea.

BRENT: Yeah. So that’s …

BRENT POINTS TO BRENDA, WHO IS WEARING SOME NOVELTY RED DEVIL HORNS.

BRENT: She’s joining in with it. (PATRONISING) Do you wanna put this on, a little nose?

BRENDA: No I don’t …

BRENT: No. It’s up to you. (TO CAMERA) Up to her. Her own decisions.

SCENE 6. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM AND GARETH ARE AT THEIR DESKS.

TIM: Gareth, you know I’m doing kisses for a pound as well, like Dawn?

GARETH: Well, you’re not and I wouldn’t pay if you were.

TIM: I know, so I’ll put your pound in, shall I?

GARETH: Huh?

TIM: I’ll put a pound in so you can kiss me.

GARETH: Look, I wouldn’t kiss you if you paid me.

TIM: Well, I am paying Gareth, it’s quite simple. So first of all, just as it’s for charity, I need to just get what’s rightfully …

TIM CREEPS TOWARDS GARETH AND TRIES TO KISS HIM. GARETH FIGHTS HIM OFF.

GARETH: Why are you such a bender? Get off of me.

TIM: I’m not a bender, I’m just –

GARETH: Get off.

TIM: I’m not –

GARETH: I’m not kissing you. I didn’t put a pound in.

TIM: Well, I’m gonna put a pound in.

GARETH: You are such a pervert.

TIM: I’m not a pervert.

GARETH: A dirty little pervert.

TIM: It just feels good though, that feels better …

GARETH: Get off me. (TO CAMERA) I hope you’re getting all this.

TIM: I hope you’re getting all this.

GARETH: And I hope your girlfriend knows that you’re gay ‘cos otherwise she’s gonna get a big surprise.

TIM: (poking around in GARETH’s pocket) Hang on, is that your big surprise? I’ve got your big surprise!

GARETH: Get off!

TIM: I’ve got it. I’ve found his big surprise. Oh, okay, alright, okay, okay, don’t …

TIM BACKS OFF.

GARETH: You take things too far.

TIM: Alright. Just don’t … Don’t get so het up about it.

JUST WHEN GARETH THINKS HIS ORDEAL IS OVER, TIM GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM FULL ON THE LIPS.

TIM: Ha ha ha ha, hoo hoo hoo!

TIM MAKES FACES. DAWN IS HIGHLY AMUSED BY THESE ANTICS. GARETH WIPES HIS MOUTH CLEAN IN DISGUST.

GARETH: (to camera) That was one-way. I didn’t kiss him back.

SCENE 7. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

VARIOUS EMPLOYEES ARE STANDING IN A LINE TRYING TO PASS AN ORANGE TO ONE ANOTHER UNDER THEIR CHINS.

BRENT IS LAST IN THE LINE AND TRUDY IS NEXT TO HIM. NATURALLY, BRENT IS EXCITED AT THE THOUGHT OF THE INTIMACY, BUT JUST AS SHE IS ABOUT TO PASS THE ORANGE TO BRENT, JENNIFER TAYLOR-CLARKE WALKS INTO THE OFFICE.

JENNIFER: Okay, gather round everybody. We’ve got a little surprise for you. Do you want to come away from your desks?

TRUDY HASTILY DROPS THE ORANGE, AND SHE AND THE REST OF THE LINE WALK OFF TOWARDS JENNIFER.

BRENT IS LEFT, CROUCHING, WAITING FOR THE ORANGE.

BRENT: (disgruntled, calling after them) On my turn! Can you remember where we were in that game?

ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED, HE KICKS THE ORANGE AWAY LIKE A MOODY CHILD.

JENNIFER: (to SHEILA) Sheila. Oh Sheila, nice costume. You look fantastic. (TO EVERYONE) Okay, would you please give a big warm welcome to the fantastic Neil Godwin and the lovely Rachel!

NEIL ENTERS, DRESSED IN A WHITE SUIT LIKE JOHN TRAVOLTA IN SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER. RACHEL IS WITH HIM, WEARING A RED 1970s DRESS.

NEIL: It’s that time again. Now, we’ve both suffered for our art here. Please would you mind suffering with us and I’m going to be collecting at the end, so if you could give generously? Thanks very much. Jennifer, could you do the honours please?

BRENT IS LISTENING TO THIS. HE LOOKS WORRIED. NEIL IS STEALING HIS LIMELIGHT.

JENNIFER HITS ‘PLAY’ ON THE STEREO. IT’S ‘MORE THAN A WOMAN’ BY THE BEE-GEES.

PEOPLE GATHER ROUND AND START WHOOPING AND CHEERING AS NEIL AND RACHEL BEGIN A CHOREOGRAPHED DANCE APING THE ONE IN SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER. IT’S ROUGH AND READY BUT GOOD ENOUGH TO IMPRESS THE STAFF OF A PAPER MERCHANTS IN SLOUGH.

WE CUTAWAY TO: BRENT LOOKING IRRITATED. OTHER PEOPLE ARE SMILING AND CLAPPING. TIM IS LOOKING AT RACHEL ADMIRINGLY. DAWN IS WATCHING TIM WATCHING RACHEL. BRENT IS WATCHING NEIL WITH INCREASING JEALOUSY AND ANNOYANCE.

THE MUSIC SEGUES INTO ‘YOU SHOULD BE DANCING’ AND NEIL PICKS UP THE TEMPO, DOING A SOLO DISCO-DANCE ROUTINE COMPLETE WITH POINTS, TWIRLS AND HAND-JIVES.

BRENT: That looks gay.

THE CROWD ARE LOVING IT.

THE MUSIC FINISHES AND THE ROOM GOES WILD, CHEERING, CLAPPING, WHISTLING.

RACHEL RUNS OVER TO TIM, EXCITED AND PROUD. HE HUGS HER IN FRONT OF DAWN, WHO DOESN’T QUITE KNOW WHERE TO LOOK OR WHAT TO DO WITH HERSELF.

NEIL HAS A CHARITY BUCKET AND STARTS COLLECTING MONEY AND PRAISE. BRENT LOOKS SICK WITH JEALOUSY.

NEIL: Thank you very much. There’s quite a bit in there. You can add that to yours if you like.

BRENT: Cheers. I’ve already raised more than that in a way. (TO CAMERA) Three hundred quid we did last time, so er … (TO NEIL) And if you wanted dancing you should’ve come to me, couldn’t you, if you want? I know you rehearsed that, it’s all planned.

NEIL: What, do you dance?

BRENT: Big time. More modern stuff than that as well. I sort of fused Flashdance with MC Hammer shit.

RACHEL: Alright then mate, well, show us your moves.

BRENT: No, there’s no beat, is there?

NEIL: Oh, go on.

BRENT: You had music and everything. Well … as it’s for charity, just a little bit.

BRENT STARTS JIGGING AROUND AND CLAPPING. EVERYONE STARTS CLAPPING AND HUMMING AS HE BEGINS HIS DANCE.

IT IS THE MOST LUDICROUS THING ANYONE HAS EVER SEEN. SOMEHOW THEIR BOSS IS TRYING TO INCORPORATE BREAK, DISCO AND BOY-BAND DANCE MOVES INTO ONE FLUID WHOLE. LIKE A TRAFFIC ACCIDENT, NO-ONE REALLY WANTS TO LOOK BUT THEY ARE INCAPABLE OF AVERTING THEIR EYES. THE CLAPPING FIZZLES OUT AND EVERYONE IN THE ROOM GAZES IN WIDE-EYED WONDER AT BRENT’S ‘ROUTINE’. HE ATTEMPTS A FINAL TWIRL AND ENDS WITH A FLOURISH.

BRENT: So, and that’s …

EVERYONE FEELS OBLIGED TO APPLAUD, WEAKLY.

TIM: Great, David.

BRENT: Give me a bit of warning next time and you might get a …

GARETH: We don’t have to give a donation for that, do we?

BRENT: Well, don’t say it like that. All the money collected is for both dances, both excellent dances in their … If there is a difference, mine was impromptu, so … But I don’t think you should get extra points for that necessarily. Make your own minds up, leave me out of it. I’m collecting for charity. Alright?

HE PICKS UP THE CHARITY BUCKET AND STROLLS OFF, LEAVING HIS AUDIENCE SPEECHLESS.

BRENT TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

BRENT: You’ve seen me entertain and raise money, but maybe I’d like to do that in the future for a living. You know, use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people and if it’s ideas for TV shows, game shows or whatever you want, I’m your man. I’m already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but I’d like to do that on a global scale really. And that’s not going, “Oh look at me today, I’m entertaining whilst saving lives – aren’t I brilliant?” It’s going, “If you think I’m brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving but are also brilliant”. Not as entertainers – a lot of them can’t even speak English – but, you know, don’t give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least. And then maybe they could do something in their own country, on television or whatever they have – the wireless – or, I don’t know, some … Give ’em a job on the world service or summat.

SCENE 8. INT. RECEPTION AREA. DAY.

‘JIMMY THE PERV’ AND ‘THE OGGMONSTER’ ARRIVE. THEY’RE CRAZY-LOOKING GUYS WEARING LONG WHITE COATS AND WITH STETHOSCOPES ROUND THEIR NECKS. ‘JIMMY THE PERV’ HAS A CHARITY BUCKET. ‘THE OGGMONSTER’ RINGS DAWN’S DESK BELL EXCITEDLY.

JIMMY THE PERV: Right, we’re from the local mental hospital. Is Gareth Keenan here, ‘cos he’s escaped!

OGGY: ‘Cos he is mental.

WE CUT TO GARETH, EXCITED AND LAUGHING.

GARETH: It’s my crew.

TIM REACTS. GARETH HOPS OVER TO JOIN HIS ‘CREW’.

JIMMY THE PERV: (to DAWN) Kisses for a quid. Yes, I’ll have some, thank you very much.

GARETH: My mad mates, that’s all we need!

JIMMY THE PERV GIVES DAWN A QUID FOR A KISS. SHE KISSES HIM. HE GIVES HER ANOTHER POUND FROM HIS CHARITY BUCKET. SHE KISSES HIM. HE GIVES HER ANOTHER QUID.

DAWN: Oh, lovely. Um …

JIMMY THE PERV: Another one.

HE CONTINUES TO GIVE HER POUND COINS, WITH EACH ATTEMPTED KISS BECOMING MORE LASCIVIOUS.

GARETH: (to DAWN) My mates.

TIM REACTS.

GARETH: Sorry about this. My mad mates.

BRENT APPEARS. HE NOTICES THE WHITE COATS.

BRENT: (to GARETH) They’ve finally come to take you away then?

JIMMY THE PERV: Are you mad as well?

BRENT: Guilty.

GARETH: He’s the boss.

JIMMY THE PERV: Oh, give us a job.

BRENT: (gesturing to GARETH) I’ve already got one reprobate, thanks very much.

GARETH: (introducing his ‘crew’) Jimmy the Perv and the Oggmonster.

BRENT IMMEDIATELY CLOCKS THAT THE OGGMONSTER IS VERY TALL.

BRENT: (looking up at OGGY) Oh, bloody hell. What’s the weather like up there?

OGGY: Oh, I’ve heard that before.

BRENT: Parents put you in a grow bag when you were little, did they?

OGGY: That’s an old one.

BRENT: “Let’s grow ourselves a big lanky goggle-eyed freak of a son.”

OGGY: Alright, calm down mate. There’s no need to get offensive.

BRENT: No, no, I was joining –

OGGY: I didn’t call you fatty as soon as I saw you.

BRENT: Alright. No, I was joining in with –

OGGY: No. And don’t have a go at the eyes, because that is a stigmatism that I’ve had from the age of five so that’s what makes them a bit bulbous, so don’t just … I didn’t call you like whale man or the blubber man as soon as I saw you!

BRENT: No, yeah, but I don’t go round calling myself ‘the mong boy’.

OGGY: Well, I don’t either. I call myself ‘the Oggmonster’.

BRENT: I’m not going to call you ‘the Oggmonster’.

OGGY: Well, that’s my name.

BRENT: No it’s not. What’s your real name?

OGGY: Nathan.

BRENT: That’s a good name.

OGGY: (tearful) Is it?

BRENT: Yes. I’ll call you Nathan.

OGGY: I didn’t call you fatty soon as I saw you.

HE RUNS OFF IN TEARS.

BRENT: What is … What is the matter with him?

EVERYONE STANDS IN SILENCE, LOOKING AWKWARD. TIM REACTS.

SCENE 9. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM IS WALKING OVER TO TWO OF HIS COLLEAGUES.

TIM: (to camera) I’ve got a sponsorship form for Comic Relief. I wanted to enter into the spirit a bit more, you know, so … Erm, gents, sorry to interrupt – (TO EMPLOYEES) – I wonder if you’d like to sponsor me? I have to hide as many of Gareth’s possessions as I can from him for the rest of the day.

OLIVER: You’ve got to do what?

TIM: I will be hiding Gareth’s belongings.

EMPLOYEE: I’ll give you two quid for the lot.

TIM: Two quid for the lot. Yes, a most generous offer.

SCENE 10. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT WALKS INTO HIS OFFICE AND FINDS JENNIFER AND NEIL ARE ALREADY IN THERE.

BRENT: They’re waiting for me. Ooh, break it up, put her down. No, they wouldn’t – she wouldn’t … Her husband’s loaded, isn’t he?

JENNIFER: He does okay.

BRENT: Ohhh, dear … Oh, what a day.

BRENT POINTS AND LAUGHS AT THE JOHN TRAVOLTA SUIT THAT NEIL IS STILL WEARING.

NEIL: (friendly) Okay David, do you have that report?

BRENT LOOKS A LITTLE LOST.

BRENT: (stalling) Oh, glad you’ve brought that up …

NEIL: Well, that’s why I’m here.

BRENT: Yes, um, I’m formulating a lot of good ideas that are …

NEIL: No, David, I don’t want to talk about a report, or the report we’re gonna do soon. I’m talking about the report that we talked about four days ago that was definitely going to be done today. You know how important I consider this report to be. I come in and I discover that this –

NEIL PICKS UP A PIECE OF PAPER FROM BRENT’S DESK AND WAVES IT UNDER HIS NOSE.

NEIL: – is the fruit of your labours.

BRENT: Well, don’t go through my stuff when I’m not here.

NEIL: Just please read the first sentence.

BRENT: Well …

NEIL: Just please read the first sentence for Jennifer.

BRENT: (reading) “Imagine a cross between Telly Addicts and Noel’s House Party. You’ve just imagined Upstairs Downstairs, a new quiz show devised and hosted by David Brent.”

NEIL: David, I just don’t understand this.

BRENT: Well, the contestants run upstairs and they get a clue and then –

NEIL: No. Not the game show. I don’t understand why you haven’t done the report you said you’d do. I don’t understand your consistent negligence, and failure to do what is asked of you.

BRENT: Because you’re viewing my methods like there’s something missing, like you’re looking at it like the jigsaw that it is, but you’re viewing it through a keyhole when really you should be –

BRENT MAKES AN EXPANDING MOTION WITH HIS HANDS.

NEIL: David, some words would be useful here.

BRENT: Oh, I think actions speak louder than words.

NEIL: You’re on a warning. That’s the action I’m going to take, it’s a verbal warning – one, three strikes and you’re out – and things have got to change. Obviously.

BRENT: Fine. Give me all three now then, because, oh, I’d love to see you run this place. You’d have a mutiny on your hands for a start ‘cos they would … If that’s what you want, come on! Let’s bring it on and I’ll be out …

NEIL: No, David, that’s not what I want. I wanna see this place run with you doing your job, okay? Take the verbal warning –

BRENT: – Still take the warning? –

NEIL: – take the verbal warning, learn from it and let’s move onwards and upwards. Okay?

BRENT SHRUGS.

BRENT TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

BRENT: Neil makes me laugh though because, you know, it’s his interfering, it’s his timing. He’s going on about he wants some report doing – it’s Red Nose day, you know? Ooh, what’s more important? You, “Neil” … (HE MIMES THE INVERTED COMMAS) … with your “report” … (MORE INVERTED COMMAS) … or some starving children? (SCRATCHING HIS CHIN) Ooh, I don’t know. What would Lenny Henry say? I think I know. Imagine him going out of the door on Comic Relief day and Dawn French is going: (NAGGING VOICE) “Where you going? You haven’t done the washing-up, you haven’t put the rubbish out.” (GIVING THE FINGER, OVERLY ANGRY) “Do it yourself, I’ve gotta save some Africans.”

SCENE 11. INT. SMOKERS’ ROOM. DAY.

KEITH IS SITTING IN THE SMOKERS’ ROOM, STILL DRESSED AS ALI G. DAWN IS THUMBING THROUGH A MAGAZINE.

KEITH: What are you reading?

DAWN: A holiday brochure.

KEITH: Why’s that then? Going on holiday?

DAWN: Possibly.

KEITH: Where to?

DAWN: The States.

PAUSE.

KEITH: United States?

DAWN: Yep.

LONG PAUSE.

KEITH: I don’t know if you’ve heard the gossip but Tim’s going out with Rachel.

DAWN: Yeah, yeah I’d heard.

KEITH: Yeah. ‘Cos he used to fancy you, didn’t he?

DAWN: Oh, did he?

KEITH: Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did. And now he’s found someone better.

DAWN: Yep.

ANOTHER LONG PAUSE.

SCENE 12. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

GARETH HOPS OVER AND SITS AT HIS DESK. HE GOES TO MAKE A PHONE CALL BUT CANNOT FIND HIS PHONE.

GARETH: Have you seen my phone? Where is my phone?

TIM TRIES NOT TO LAUGH. GARETH REALISES THAT SOMETHING IS AFOOT.

GARETH: Have you got it? Where have you put it? Seriously, where have you put my phone? I don’t believe it.

TIM: Gareth?

GARETH: So many times I’ve told you not to touch my stuff.

GARETH GETS UP AND BEGINS SEARCHING TIM’S DESK FOR TRACES OF HIS PHONE.

TIM: Gareth, listen. Excuse me.

GARETH: The phone’s a different matter.

TIM: Gareth, it’s for charity…

GARETH: (still searching) What else have you taken?

TIM: I haven’t taken –

GARETH: Where’s my Tiny Tanks?

TIM HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER.

GARETH: How am I supposed to work?

TIM: You’ll just have to hop to it …

SCENE 13. INT. SMOKERS’ ROOM. DAY.

KEITH AND DAWN ARE STILL SITTING THERE IN SILENCE.

KEITH: A lot of crime in America.

DAWN: Right, well, I’ll be careful.

KEITH: Word of advice: keep your traveller’s cheques in a bum-bag.

DAWN: Thanks. I’ll … I’ll buy one.

KEITH: What, when you get there?

DAWN: Yep.

KEITH: (sighing) Word of warning then: out there they call them ‘fanny packs’ …

PAUSE.

KEITH: ‘cos fanny means your arse over there …

PAUSE.

KEITH: … not your minge.

DAWN REACTS. KEITH TAKES A BITE FROM A SCOTCH EGG.

SCENE 14. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM IS SITTING AT HIS DESK WORKING. GARETH HOPS IN AGAIN.

HIS ENTIRE DESK HAS BEEN CLEARED OF ALL HIS BELONGINGS. ALL THAT REMAINS IS A RED NOSE AND THE MOUSE OF HIS COMPUTER. THE REST OF THE COMPUTER IS MISSING, ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE.

GARETH: Where is … ? God … You’re so immature … Where … ? Right: I demand that everything –

IN HIS FURY, GARETH STOPS HOPPING.

TIM: (shouting to the room) Gareth has stopped hopping, everyone!

FRUSTRATED BY HIS OWN RULES, GARETH BEGINS HOPPING AGAIN.

GARETH: (surveying his empty desk) How am I supposed to do any work?

TIM: Gareth, I’ve told you, it’s for charity.

GARETH: It’s not for charity though, is it? It’s for you winding me up. And you’ve been doing it again.

EXHAUSTED, GARETH STOPS HOPPING.

TIM: (shouting to the room) Gareth’s stopped hopping again!

GARETH: I don’t have to hop all day. It’s just when I’m moving that I have to hop.

TIM: Where does it say that in the rule book?

GARETH: Where is my … ? See, that’s mine, for a start, straight away. Where’s the rest of it?

DAWN LOOKS ON, SMILING.

TIM: Gareth, Gareth, okay Gareth, just calm down, okay? Have a seat; you’ve been on your foot all day.

GARETH: (off-screen) Oh God, how do you hide a chair?

SCENE 15. INT. RECEPTION AREA. DAY.

TIM WALKS UP TO DAWN AND DROPS SOMETHING IN THE POST TRAY. THEY CHAT, BUT IT’S NOT THE USUAL FLIRTING. IT’S FRIENDLY BUT WORK-RELATED.

TIM: Dawney, take that?

DAWN: Yeah, sure.

TIM: You alright?

DAWN: Yeah, you?

LEE COMES IN WITH DAWN’S LUNCH IN A BAG.

TIM: Hello.

LEE: There you go. Prawn and avocado.

DAWN: Thank you.

LEE: See you later on.

DAWN: Yeah. Are you not going to eat here?

LEE: No, I’ve got to get back.

DAWN: Oh, well. I’ve made nineteen pounds today.

LEE: Yeah? Any of it going to English kids or is it all going abroad, I suppose?

TIM: Well, just … Will you please stop moaning and give her a quid for a kiss.

LEE: I’m not paying for it, mate.

TIM: Listen, listen, them’s the rules, look.

DAWN: Thank you.

LEE PUTS IN A FIVER.

LEE: There you go. What do I get for that? Come here, you.

HE GOES TO KISS HER BUT INSTEAD PRETENDS TO BITE HER NECK. SHE LAUGHS AND THEY PLAY-FIGHT.

TIM WATCHES. IT’S HIS TURN TO FEEL AWKWARD AND NOT KNOW WHERE TO LOOK.

TIM: Oh good. That’s great.

LEE SAYS HIS GOODBYES, PRETENDS TO TAKE DAWN’S COLLECTION, THEN PUTS IT BACK. HE LEAVES HER, SMILING.

TIM IS LEFT WITH DAWN.

TIM: Right, oh, my contribution.

HE DROPS A POUND IN HER COLLECTION PLATE.

DAWN: Thank you. Where do you want your kiss?

TIM: Uh?

DAWN: Where do you want your kiss?

TIM: No, it’s alright, I’ll just … give you a pound.

DAWN: You’ve got to have a kiss.

TIM: I don’t have to have a kiss —

DAWN GRABS TIM’S LAPELS, PULLS HIM TOWARDS HER AND KISSES HIM SQUARE ON THE LIPS. IT’S A LITTLE TOO TENDER AND LINGERING TO BE ENTIRELY PLATONIC. THEY PULL APART, AVOIDING EACH OTHER’S EYES.

TIM WANDERS BACK TO HIS SEAT.

THE CAMERA STAYS ON DAWN.

SCENE 16. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

OFFICE SCENES. TIM IS BACK AT HIS DESK BUT LOOKS PENSIVE. GARETH HAS NOW FOUND HIS COMPUTER.

RACHEL WANDERS OVER TO TIM’S DESK.

RACHEL: What are you doing?

TIM: Just working.

RACHEL: I’m very, very, very bored.

SHE PUSHES HIS STUFF ASIDE AND SITS ON HIS DESK, SMILING AT HIM.

GARETH: Excuse me. Desk procedures. Chairs are for sitting on.

RACHEL: (to TIM) I think he’s a little bit jealous that he’s not getting the view you’re getting.

GARETH: Wrong: I’ve got the arse this side so I’d only wanna be sitting where he’s sitting if you was wearing a skirt – then I could look up there … at it.

RACHEL: (to TIM) Aren’t you going to defend my honour?

TIM: (laughing, embarrassed) No … I think you … you’d better get off the table.

RACHEL: Ooh, he’s getting a bit embarrassed by his new girlfriend.

TIM TRIES TO LAUGH THIS OFF BUT HE CLEARLY IS EMBARRASSED.

TIM: I’m not.

RACHEL: You are.

TIM: I’m not. I’m not.

RACHEL: You alright?

TIM: Yeah.

SHE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK AND GETS OFF THE DESK.

RACHEL: You cool?

TIM GIVES A THUMBS-UP BUT LOOKS TROUBLED.

SCENE 17. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

NEIL AND JENNIFER KNOCK AND ENTER. BRENT IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK.

NEIL: Excuse me, David, erm …

BRENT: Yes.

NEIL: Can we have another quick word?

BRENT: Not now, no. I’m literally running downstairs this minute.

NEIL: What for?

BRENT: The Gazette are coming in to take my picture, so I’m going to be in the paper – well, Wernham Hogg are gonna be in the paper. Free advertising, so … That’s not why I’m doing it.

NEIL: This shouldn’t take long.

BRENT: Okay.

NEIL: I’m sorry to spring this on you now: we’ve been discussing something that you said earlier and it’s certainly something we’ve been thinking about as well. We would like to offer you a very generous redundancy package.

BRENT IS DUMBFOUNDED.

BRENT: Are you offering me it or are you telling me I’ve got to take it?

NEIL: Um … We’re telling you you’ve got to take it.

JENNIFER: We will put in a proper meeting tomorrow.

BRENT: That’s good timing, innit? Telling me that today – the day of laughter. Brilliant. Well, that’s that ruined, isn’t it?

BRENT STANDS UP. HE’S WEARING A BERNIE CLIFTON OSTRICH COSTUME.

BRENT: That’s what I was … It’s got pockets and everything.

HE STANDS IN SILENCE, GUTTED, DIGESTING THE NEWS.

BRENT: So now I’ve got to try and go down there and be funny. It’s gonna be good, innit, with that going through – (HE POINTS TO HIS HEAD WITH THE BEAK OF THE OSTRICH) I knew you were up to something, planning something. (TO JENNIFER) Jennifer do you agree with this because we can …

JENNIFER NODS.

BRENT: I’ll be alright. Don’t worry about me. I’ve got other irons in the fire, so this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, to be honest.

BRENT IS HOLDING THE OSTRICH HEAD WITH A STICK. WHEN HE MOTIONS AS HE TALKS, THE OSTRICH HEAD FLIPS AROUND LIKE IT’S ALIVE.

BRENT: But I’m going to love to see you telling that lot out there because you are going to have a mutiny on your hands. They will go berserk. Definitely.

THEY SAY NOTHING.

BRENT: If that’s it, can you leave now please? Go on. I’ve got stuff to do. I’ve got, I’ve got laughter … I’ve got money to raise … mouths to feed.

NEIL: Thanks for your time.

BRENT: Yeah.

NEIL AND JENNIFER LEAVE.

BRENT’S NOT SURE WHAT TO DO. HE GOES OUT INTO THE OFFICE AND ADDRESSES THE ROOM.

BRENT: Um … If you’re wondering what that meeting was just about in there … That’s it … I’ve been made redundant. Yeah. After it was me who saved others from redundancy and then it’s back … The good die young! I said you lot’d go mental.

EVERYONE LOOKS BLANK.

BRENT: And now I’ve got to go and give laughter … But … See ya …

HE STARTS TO WALK OFF THEN TURNS ROUND, EXPECTING A REACTION.

BRENT: Huh?

BUT PEOPLE JUST STARE AT HIM BLANKLY.

HE WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE, STILL IN COSTUME.

SCENE 18. EXT. CAR PARK. DAY.

A PHOTOGRAPHER IS PREPARING TO TAKE PHOTOS OF BRENT IN HIS OSTRICH OUTFIT.

DAWN AND TIM ARE WRAPPED IN COATS, LOOKING COLD AND MISERABLE, AND HOLDING A BIG CHEQUE THAT SAYS “£120”.

IT’S MURKY AND OVERCAST.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay. Do you just want to make it peck?

BRENT MAKES THE OSTRICH PECK AT THE FLOOR.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Yeah. Just run around a bit? Yeah.

BRENT RUNS AROUND. HE LOOKS PITIFUL.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Good. Yeah. Good. Okay. Smile: it’s for Comic Relief.

BRENT: Can I just do it standing here?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Yeah. Just, can you make it peck at your mates, like Roy Hudd.

BRENT: Rod Hull.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Yeah, just do that.

BRENT MAKES THE OSTRICH HEAD PECK TIM.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Good. Yeah. Okay. Good, that’s fine, yeah, it’s a bit dark actually, I didn’t bring a flash. Probably won’t be able to use these actually. Okay. Don’t be disappointed if they’re not in.

BRENT: (deflated) No.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay.

TIM: Thank you.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Cheers.

DAWN: Bye. Well done David.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER LEAVES.

TIM: Well done, mate.

BRENT: No worries.

GARETH HOPS INTO VIEW.

GARETH: Did I miss it?

CLOSING MUSIC AND END CREDITS, THEN:

THE PHONE RINGS IN THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMENT. KEITH, STILL IN COSTUME, ANSWERS IT.

KEITH: (unexpressive) Booyakasha.