Interview

SCENE 1. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT IS WANDERING AROUND THE OFFICE, HANDING OUT BUSINESS CARDS CONSPICUOUSLY.

HIS TALKING HEAD BEGINS OVER THIS.

BRENT TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

BRENT: I don’t look upon this like it’s the end; I look upon it like it’s moving on, you know? It’s almost like my work here’s done. I can’t imagine Jesus going, “Oh, I’ve told a few people here in Bethlehem I’m the son of God; can I just stay here with mum and dad now?” “No, you’ve got to move on, you’ve got to spread the word. You’ve got to go to Nazareth please.” And that’s very much like … me. My world does not end with these four walls. Slough’s a big place, and when I’m finished with Slough there’s Reading, Aldershot, Bracknell, you know, I’ve got Didcot, Yateley. Winnersh. Taplow, you know? Because I am my own boss, I can Burfield – I can wake up one morning and go, “Oh, I don’t feel like working today, can I just stay in bed?” “Oh, I dunno, you’d better ask the boss.” “David, can I stay in bed all day?” “Yes, you can, David.”

HE POINTS TO HIMSELF.

BRENT: Both me. I’m not … That’s not me in bed with another bloke called David.

SCENE 2. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT CROUCHES DOWN NEXT TO JAMIE.

BRENT: Be a bit weird for you, will it, when I’m …

JAMIE: Well, different certainly …

BRENT: Sadder, sadder, but I’m telling this to everyone: I do not want you going, “Oh that’s it, we’re out of here, there’s no point”, or walking round with your shoulders hunched –

JAMIE’S PHONE RINGS.

JAMIE: Sorry, can I just get that?

BRENT: Yeah.

JAMIE: (answering phone) Hello? Oh that’s great. No … That’s a load off my mind … Thanks for calling. Cheers. Bye.

HE HANGS UP.

JAMIE: (to BRENT) Sorry, what were you saying?

BRENT: I was just, just … I want to, you know –

JAMIE: (interrupting) Oliver?

OLIVER: Hello.

JAMIE: They took the lot, mate.

OLIVER: All of it? You lucky … You were bricking it, weren’t you?

JAMIE: I was. Yeah.

BRENT: All I’m saying is, um, I don’t want you … I’ll leave you with –

JAMIE: (to BRENT) Sorry, can I just phone Steve?

BRENT: Yeah. Busy. Too busy.

JAMIE MAKES ANOTHER CALL. BRENT TRIES TO GET UP SUBTLY.

JAMIE: Steve, it’s Jamie, they took the lot mate … Yeah … No, it’s a team effort … Yeah … Oh well, that’s what I thought …

BRENT PUTS HIS BUSINESS CARD DOWN IN FRONT OF JAMIE, BUT HE’S NOT INTERESTED.

HE SPOTS BIG KEITH AT THE PHOTOCOPIER.

BRENT: (cheery, to camera) Oh, here he is. The big man.

BRENT STANDS BEHIND HIM, GETTING A BUSINESS CARD OUT OF HIS POCKET. BIG KEITH STEPS BACKWARDS AND, WITHOUT NOTICING, TREADS ON BRENT’S TOE. BRENT WINCES IN PAIN BUT TRIES TO RETAIN HIS DIGNITY.

BRENT: Ahhh. Clumsy.

HE WALKS OFF.

SCENE 3. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

OFFICE SHOTS. DAWN AND TIM ARE BOTH LOST IN THOUGHT.

RACHEL COMES OVER TO TIM’S DESK.

RACHEL: Hiya.

TIM: Hiya. Alright?

RACHEL: How are you?

TIM: I’m alright. How are you?

RACHEL: My mum and dad phoned me last night –

TIM: Uhuh.

RACHEL: Um, okay, basically we have this beautiful little cottage in the New Forest. Once a year we kind of organise this family do and, um, my mum and dad wanted to know whether we’d like to come.

TIM: Oh, what a shame, I can’t. When is it?

RACHEL: Well, we’ll have about like a week, two weeks’ notice or –

TIM: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s …

RACHEL: It’ll be on the weekend.

TIM: That’s what, yeah, that’s tricky. That’s a problem … potentially.

RACHEL: Well, I kind of told them that we’d go.

TIM: You told them? Well, I wish you’d asked me.

SCENE 4. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

GARETH’S PHONE RINGS. HE PUTS IT ON SPEAKER-PHONE.

GARETH: Hello?

OGGY: (on speaker-phone) Oggy oggy oggy!

GARETH: Oy oy oy! (LAUGHING) Alright Oggy? Keeno here, on speaker-phone.

OGGY: You on speaker-phone?

GARETH: Yeah.

OGGY: Tits!

GARETH: Shut up!

THEY BOTH LAUGH. TIM WATCHES THIS.

OGGY: Who heard that?

GARETH: Everyone, you mentalist. Shut up. What do you want?

OGGY: You coming down Chasers tonight for Gobbler’s birthday?

GARETH: Yeah, definitely. Jimmy the Perv coming?

OGGY: Yeah, yeah.

GARETH: What about Fishfingers?

GARETH LOOKS AROUND, GRINNING, TO CHECK THAT PEOPLE HAVE HEARD THE NAME OF HIS CRAZY PAL.

OGGY: Oh, Fishfingers can’t come because Susan caught him getting off with what’s-her-face with the norks –

GARETH: Oh no. That is mental.

OGGY: Yeah.

GARETH: I’ll see you later then.

OGGY: Gonads!

OGGY HANGS UP. GARETH LAUGHS, LOOKING ROUND.

GARETH: Mentalist. Did you hear that?

TIM: Uhuh.

TIM HOLDS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS. HE IS STILL SPENDING HIS LIFE SITTING NEXT TO THIS MAN.

GARETH: Oggmonster.

SCENE 5. INT. RECEPTION/OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT WALKS INTO THE OFFICE WITH HELENA PIDGEON, A HORSEY-LOOKING YOUNG WOMAN, DRESSED IN A SUIT.

BRENT: Here we are. The madhouse. (TO DAWN) Hiya.

BRENT LINGERS NEAR TIM.

BRENT: Oh, alright Tim?

TIM: Alright.

BRENT’S TRYING TO GET HELENA NOTICED.

BRENT: What her? She’s just writing an article on me for ‘Inside Paper’. HE POINTS AT HER COPY OF INSIDE PAPER.

BRENT: (shouting to room) Ben, are you wondering who that is? Well, I’ll tell you all … If you’re wondering who this stranger is wandering around, she’s writing an article on me for ‘Inside Paper’.

NO-ONE IS INTERESTED.

AN EMPLOYEE WALKS IN.

BRENT: Where’ve you been?

EMPLOYEE: Warehouse.

BRENT: Well, you’ve missed me telling everyone … She’s writing an article on me. For – (POINTING AT HIMSELF) subject matter.

HE LEADS HER TOWARDS HIS OFFICE.

SCENE 6. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT AND HELENA ARE SITTING DOWN IN HIS OFFICE.

BRENT: Right. What do you want to know?

HELENA: Do you mind if I talk to some of your staff later?

BRENT: (worried) Why?

HELENA: Well, my train doesn’t leave ‘til one-thirty, so I’ll hang about if that’s okay and have a chat with some of them …

BRENT: Well, I want to see what they say before –

HELENA: I’m not going to put anything nasty in.

BRENT: Well, they won’t say anything nasty, so …

HELENA: Okay.

SHE OPENS HER NOTEBOOK.

HELENA: Right, so would you like to tell me about your individual outlook on management?

BRENT: Sure. Put: “David Brent is refreshingly laid-back for a man with such responsibility …”

HELENA: Yeah, can you just answer in your own words and I’ll work it up later.

BRENT: Yeah.

BRENT THINKS LONG AND HARD ABOUT THIS.

BRENT: “Brent mused and then replied …”

HELENA: Sorry, no, David, could you just say what’s on your mind and I’m getting it down, so I’ll …

BRENT: Well, are you getting it down, because you’re not doing short-hand, and I’m going to be pretty –

HE SNAPS HIS FINGERS.

HELENA: Just –

BRENT: Well, okay, your question I suppose was: “Is it difficult to remain authoritative and yet so popular?”

HELENA: Well, no, that wasn’t my question.

BRENT: Well, shall I answer that one first?

HELENA: Sorry, no, can we just stick to my questions?

BRENT: (curt) Well, maybe you should be clear what the question is ‘cos I’m getting a little bit … And that’s, you know …

HELENA: Okay.

SHE GLANCES DESPAIRINGLY AT THE CAMERA CREW.

SCENE 7. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

DAWN IS LEANING ON TIM’S DESK. THEY ARE LAUGHING AND CHATTING ABOUT SOMETHING. RACHEL JOINS THEM, GATECRASHING THEIR LITTLE TETE-A-TETE.

RACHEL: What’s so funny?

TIM: Nothing, nothing.

RACHEL: I was just talking to Emma about … What is that pub we went to on Friday?

TIM: Oh, the Jolly Farmer.

GARETH’S PHONE RINGS. HE PUTS IT ON SPEAKER-PHONE.

GARETH: Gareth Keenan. Hello.

ANGE: (on speaker-phone) Hi baby. It’s Ange.

GARETH: Alright?

ANGE: Are you coming around tonight?

GARETH: I can’t. I’m going up Chasers with the lads.

ANGE: Oh, come round first. We’ll have a bit of time together.

GARETH: Alright.

ANGE: Have some fun.

GARETH: Yep. Okay.

ANGE: Are you going to bring the toys again?

GARETH, EMBARRASSED, GRABS THE RECEIVER, SNAPPING IT OFF SPEAKER MODE.

GARETH: (into receiver) Erm, yeah … Okay … Yeah … Look forward to … doing it to you too. Alright, bye.

HE HANGS UP. TIM CAN’T BELIEVE HIS LUCK.

TIM: The toys?

GARETH: Shut up.

TIM: What are the toys? Is it Buckaroo? (LIKE IT’S A SERIOUS QUESTION) It’s not Boggle is it?

GARETH: Shut up.

TIM: If it’s Kerplunk I’m coming round.

GARETH: It was actually a private phone call, so –

TIM: Well, don’t put it on speaker-phone then Gareth.

PAUSE.

TIM: Yeah, the Jolly Farmer … Is it Hungry Hippos?

RACHEL, TIM AND DAWN LAUGH.

SCENE 8. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

HELENA IS STILL INTERVIEWING BRENT.

HELENA: Private life, then, just to flesh out David Brent “the man”. Is there a better half?

BRENT: David quipped, “Why buy a book when you can join a library?”

HELENA: So you play the field?

BRENT: Well, I’m not going round, like, using chicks ‘n’ shit, but I’m just, you know, chilling out while I’m young I suppose.

HELENA: And is there a “chick” in tow at the moment?

BRENT: Oh, I don’t kiss and tell.

HELENA: I’m just trying to find out if you’re in a relationship at the moment.

BRENT: Brent says, “No comment”.

HELENA: Right. So you don’t have a girlfriend?

BRENT: Well, you know, what is a “girlfriend”?

HELENA: I don’t know, someone you’d have sex with?

BRENT: (angry) Alright, don’t get coarse – in a magazine for the public. I don’t think you’d win a Pulitzer for filth.

SCENE 9. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

GARETH HAS BOUGHT A BIRTHDAY GIFT FOR HIS FRIEND: AN UGLY, ANIMATED PUPPET CALLED ‘DIRTY BERTIE’.

GARETH: I’ve got this for my mate, Gobbler. It’s his birthday. We’re all going up Chasers tonight. Watch this.

GARETH CLAPS HIS HANDS TO DEMONSTRATE ‘DIRTY BERTIE’. THE PUPPET WOLF-WHISTLES THEN STARTS SHOUTING AND MAKING THRUSTING MOTIONS.

PUPPET: Oh yeah, oh yeah! Come on, come on baby! Come on, come on baby!

GARETH: Watch …

THE PUPPET PLAYS THE ‘WILLIAM TELL’ OVERTURE AND ITS UNDERPANTS START TO VIBRATE.

PUPPET: Oh, oh, oh, oh no!

GARETH: (to TIM) Watch this. You know Gobbler, don’t you? You seen this?

TIM LOOKS UNIMPRESSED. GARETH IS TICKLED PINK. HE CLAPS HIS HANDS TO START THE PUPPET AGAIN.

PUPPET: Oh yeah, oh yeah! Come on, come on baby! Come on, come on baby!

GARETH: Watch, watch, watch, watch … He’s gonna love that. (POINTING) He comes in his pants!

GARETH, IN FITS, STARTS THE PUPPET YET AGAIN. TIM TOSSES HIS PEN OVER HIS SHOULDER IN FRUSTRATION AND EXITS.

TIM TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

TIM: You know, I don’t give myself a hard time about things particularly. Thirty is young now anyway. I’m not someone who has specific goals about, you know, having done this or that by my age: “I should’ve done this, why haven’t I taken that chance?” I just think, well, if you look at life like rolling a dice then my situation now, as it stands, yeah, it may only be a three. If I jack that in now, go for something bigger and better, yep, I could easily roll a six, no problem. I could roll a six; I could also roll a one, okay? So I think sometimes just leave the dice alone.

SCENE 10. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE/RECEPTION. DAY.

GENERAL OFFICE SHOTS. DAWN IS LOOKING PENSIVELY AT TIM WHO ALSO SEEMS TO BE DEEP IN THOUGHT.

SCENE 11. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT IS STILL CHATTING WITH HELENA.

BRENT: That’s why my professionalism is probably only as important as – (KNOCK AT THE DOOR) – come in – my erm, humanism.

DAWN ENTERS THE OFFICE WITH AN ENVELOPE IN HER HAND.

DAWN: Hi. I just wondered if you’ve got any time for a little chat?

BRENT: I’ve always got time for my staff, Dawn. You know that. (POINTING THIS OUT TO HELENA) “He’s always got time for his staff.”

DAWN: Before you go –

BRENT: (to HELENA, afterthought) “Even though a lot happening and his mind should be on other stuff, he still …” (TO DAWN) Shoot.

DAWN: Okay. Before you leave I wanted to hand in my notice.

SHE HANDS THE LETTER TO BRENT.

BRENT: Oh no. I thought this would happen. Who else is thinking of doing this, Dawn?

DAWN: I don’t think anyone is.

BRENT HANDS THE LETTER BACK TO DAWN.

BRENT: Don’t throw your career away just because I’m leaving, yeah? I know it won’t be the same, but you’ll probably get to know someone else and –

DAWN: That’s not why I’m actually going.

BRENT: I’ve read between the lines, so …

DAWN: (handing the letter back to BRENT) Well, you haven’t read it.

BRENT: (handing the letter back to DAWN) Very flattering, but is it just a coincidence that you’re handing in your notice when I’m leaving?

DAWN: (handing the letter back to BRENT) Yes, it is.

BRENT: Is it?

HELENA: May I ask, why are you leaving, if you don’t mind my asking?

DAWN: No. I’m gonna go away with my fiancé.

HELENA: Oh. Where are you going?

DAWN: The States. Just, er, travelling.

BRENT: (agitated) Well, alright, okay … We’re just … Yeah, thanks. (TO HELENA) What are you gonna write about this because I thought we … ? (TO DAWN, DISMISSIVELY) Okay, cheers – (TO HELENA) I thought we were … Getting back to … strings to Brent’s bow. A: philanthropist …

SCENE 12. INT. RECEPTION SEATING AREA. DAY

TIM IS SITTING LOST IN THOUGHT. NEIL APPROACHES HIM.

NEIL: Hiya. Have you got a minute?

TIM: Yeah, sure.

NEIL SITS DOWN.

NEIL: I don’t know if you know, but when David goes, we’re probably going to do an external appointment. But we wondered if you’d do us a favour in the meantime and be caretaker manager for a while.

TIM: Oh blimey. God.

NEIL: Just doing David’s job for a bit, overseeing, and obviously there’d be acting-up pay.

TIM: Right, well, that’s really flattering, thank you, but listen – I am going to say no, and –

NEIL: I mean, it’s a bit more work for a lot more money.

TIM: Yeah, I understand. I’ve got nothing to spend it on so …

NEIL: It’s only temporary.

TIM: I thought that about this job and I’ve been here for …

NEIL: Okay.

TIM: So I’m … you know. Listen, I think you should give it to Gareth, seriously, I do think you should. He takes things seriously, he’s conscientious, he works hard …

OFF-SCREEN WE HEAR ‘DIRTY BERTIE’ CHANTING.

TIM: … He’s responsible, he knows this place inside out, you know. I think, genuinely, I think he might be the man for it.

OFF-SCREEN, BERTIE’S THEME TUNE KICKS IN.

NEIL: Great. Thanks Tim, listen – I just wanted to ask.

TIM: Thank you. Much appreciated. Thank you.

SCENE 13. INT. SMOKERS’ ROOM. DAY

TIM, DAWN, GARETH, LEE, OLIVER, MOUSEY SHEILA AND TRUDY ARE SITTING IN THE SMOKERS’ ROOM. TIM IS READING OUT SOMETHING FROM A MAGAZINE.

TRUDY: I quite like shy men actually.

DAWN: Yeah, I understand that.

TIM: Would that be yours as well?

DAWN: No.

TIM: What do you look for in a man?

DAWN: Rugged good looks.

LEE: You always told me it was a good sense of humour.

DAWN: (to LEE, trying to keep TIM out of her eyeline) Yeah, you’ve got that … You’ve got a good sense of humour.

LEE: Yeah, I know. I know.

DAWN TRIES HARD NOT TO LOOK IN TIM’S DIRECTION.

WE SEE TIM’S REACTION.

SCENE 14. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

OFFICE SHOTS. TIM IS SITTING AT HIS DESK, GAZING AT DAWN, WHO IS AT THE PHOTOCOPIER. TIM LOOKS UNHAPPY. HE HAS OBVIOUSLY COME TO SOME DECISION.

SCENE 15. INT. KITCHEN. DAY.

TIM FINDS RACHEL IN THE KITCHEN.

TIM: Hi Rach, have you got a sec? Can I have a word?

RACHEL: Mmm …

THEY WALK OVER TO A QUIET AREA OF THE OFFICE.

TIM: I just wanted to tell you and I don’t know how to say it. Oh, this is so hard.

SCENE 16. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

RACHEL IS SITTING AT HER DESK, TEARFUL, BEING COMFORTED BY A COLLEAGUE. GARETH IS WATCHING HER.

GARETH: (to TIM) Well done. She’s crying.

TIM: I know. Just leave it.

GARETH: I suppose it’s up to me to clear up your mess.

TIM: Gareth, okay, I’m begging you. Just stay out of it, mate.

GARETH: No, you dumped her, so it’s nothing to do with you any more. She obviously needs something to cheer her up.

HE PICKS UP ‘DIRTY BERTIE’. TIM GRABS HIS ARM.

TIM: Okay. Don’t take Dirty Bertie, alright? Don’t … don’t go at all. I beg you, don’t take Bertie.

GARETH: Overruled.

TIM: Gareth, if you have to go, okay, don’t take Bertie.

GARETH PUTS ‘BERTIE’ BACK DOWN AND WALKS OVER TO RACHEL.

GARETH: Hi, I, er –

RACHEL: Fuck off.

HE WALKS AWAY, ONLY TURNING BACK TO ADD:

GARETH: Potty mouth.

SCENE 17. INT. RECEPTION SEATING AREA. DAY.

BRENT IS HANDING OUT BUSINESS CARDS AGAIN. HE FINDS A FEMALE EMPLOYEE ON A TEA BREAK.

BRENT: (to EMPLOYEE) Oh. There you go. So, stay in touch.

EMPLOYEE: Yeah. Cheers.

SHE TAKES THE CARD. BRENT, FEELING PATERNAL, PATS HER ON THE HEAD.

BRENT TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

BRENT: People can’t believe I’m this happy to be leaving and it’s not ‘cos there’s anything wrong with it; it’s because, you know I did that thing at the community centre? Well, as I was giving that motivational speech, I could literally see them all getting all motivated from it. And that’s, you know … It’s like being born again and it showed me how much I had to offer other people.

SCENE 18. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT WALKS INTO HIS OFFICE WITH JUDE AND RAY FROM THE MANAGEMENT CONSULTANCY FIRM. HE INTRODUCES THEM TO HELENA.

BRENT: (to HELENA) And these are the guys from Cooper and Webb, the Management Training Consultants I’m dealing with at the moment. This is Ray, this is Jude.

RAY: Hi.

BRENT: This is Helena, she’s writing quite a big article on me for ‘Inside Paper’ – the trade magazine. So, you know, I’ve mentioned our thing, so … You don’t mind if she sits in on this gig do you?

RAY: No, not if you don’t.

BRENT: No, I’m coolio. Okay.

SCENE 19. INT. RECEPTION. DAY.

Dawn answers the phone at reception. Behind her, we see Gordon the maintenance man come out of the fire door carrying a bag of toilet rolls. As ever, he’s stunned by the camera, trapped in its gaze like a rabbit in headlights.

NEIL AND GARETH COME OUT OF THE MEETING ROOM. THEY’RE FINISHING A CONVERSATION.

NEIL: I’m gonna be in in a few days.

GARETH: Okay.

NEIL: Obviously if you’ve got any problems give me a call at, er …

NEIL IS DISTRACTED BY GORDON, WHO IS STILL PARALYSED BY THE CAMERA.

NEIL: Erm, see you later. Bye.

NEIL WALKS OUT PAST RECEPTION. GARETH WALKS OVER TO TIM.

GARETH: Alright, mate?

TIM: Alright.

GARETH: Probably wondering who they’re gonna offer David’s job to. Me.

TIM: You got it?

GARETH: Yes.

TIM: Ah, brilliant. Congratulations.

GARETH: Thank you. Things are going to start changing round here soon. You can start bucking your ideas up, starting with your appearance.

TIM CANNOT BELIEVE THE MONSTER HE’S CREATED.

GARETH: It’s going to be a well-oiled tight ship round these here parts.

SCENE 20. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT CONTINUES HIS CONVERSATION WITH RAY AND JUDE. HELENA IS STILL PRESENT.

HELENA: So, what sort of management training is it?

RAY: We, we specialise in —

BRENT: (interrupting) Well, I’ll tell her. They use celebrity speakers — (POINTS TO HIMSELF) — expert speakers, and my personal tip is my rise to the top, which gives it a whole new edge, so… Okay, so… Where are we? Shoot.

RAY:
Um, we’d like to thank you very much
for the time you’ve given us –

BRENT:
No sweat. It’s what I do.

RAY:
– but we won’t be using you again, I’m
afraid.

BRENT IS SHELL-SHOCKED.

BRENT:
You won’t be? Why not?

RAY:
It’s just not exactly what we were
looking for.

BRENT:
No, I know but I’ll do it how you …
I did it like that ’cos that was the vibe of the day, wasn’t it? And I’ll just, you
know, but I’ll do it differently. How do you, how do you want me to do it?

RAY:
We have a very specific idea of what
it is that we’re looking for and we
know –

BRENT: (utterly broken)
Oh, fuckin’ hell.

AWKWARD PAUSE.

JUDE:
We would like to say thank you.

BRENT: (dismissive)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yaddah
yaddah yaddah. Go on then, get …
Timewasters, again.

JUDE:
We’re really sorry about –

BRENT:
Oh, get out. Go on. Thank you.
Wasting my time.

SILENTLY AND SLOWLY RAY AND JUDE GATHER THEIR STUFF AND EDGE OUT OF THE DOOR, LEAVING HELENA ALONE WITH BRENT. HE LOOKS AT HER.

HELENA:
Oh, you mean me as well?

BRENT:
Yeah.

SHE GATHERS HER THINGS TOGETHER.

HELENA:
Would you mind if I just took a quick photo?

BRENT:
No.

SHE FISHES HER CAMERA OUT OF HER BAG. THIS PROLONGS AN ALREADY AWKWARD MOMENT.

SHE TAKES AIM – BUT THERE’S A HOLD-UP.

HELENA:
I’m just waiting for the flash to … The green light … Okay …

EVER THE PROFESSIONAL, BRENT NODS AND STRIKES A POSE.

HELENA TAKES THE PHOTO.

BRENT:
Right.

HELENA: Can I just take one more for safety?

SHE WINDS THE CAMERA ON. THE PROCESS REPEATS ITSELF. THEY RESUME THE SAME PAINFULLY SILENT POSES AGAIN.

HELENA: I’m just waiting for the green light.

BRENT: Yeah, I know.

THE SILENCE IS TORTUOUS. FINALLY HELENA TAKES THE PHOTO.

BRENT: Right.

SHE MAKES A NOISY EXIT. LEAVING BRENT ALONE LOOKING DEVASTATED.

SCENE 21. INT. SMOKERS’ ROOM. DAY.

DAWN IS SITTING READING A MAGAZINE. TIM JOINS HER.

TIM: Hello.

DAWN: Hello.

TIM: You alright?

DAWN: Yeah. You?

TIM: Fine. Uh, am I fine? I’ve just heard you were leaving.

DAWN: Blimey.

TIM: Say it isn’t so.

DAWN: That got around fast.

TIM: It is … It’s true?

DAWN: Yeah, yeah.

TIM: Were you going to tell me or – ?

DAWN: God. Yeah.

TIM: Right. You were?

DAWN: Yes.

TIM: Okay, okay … You’re going to another job?

DAWN: No, um, Lee and I are going to go away.

TIM: On holiday?

DAWN: No, no. We’re going to Florida for about six months. Something like that.

TIM: (shocked) Six months?

DAWN: Uhuh. Lee’s sister she lives out there and so we could live with her and, er, he’s not happy in his job; I’m not happy in mine –

TIM: So what do you call … ? Is there a name for this?

DAWN: I dunno.

TIM: … whatever you’re doing.

DAWN: Starting again.

TIM: Right. Starting again?

DAWN: We’re just gonna get our heads together I think and, you know –

TIM: Um. Cool.

LEE WALKS IN.

TIM: Oh God, hello. The adventurer. Here he is. She was just telling me about the American thing.

LEE: Yeah, yeah. My sister’s over there, yeah.

TIM: Brilliant.

LEE: (to DAWN) Got a big house, haven’t they?

DAWN: We haven’t seen it yet.

LEE: Seen pictures though; it’s a big place. Her husband’s raking it in as well, so…

TIM: Great.

LEE: Yeah, we thought we’d get one of them mobile homes, you know, drive up the coast, do the beaches, until the cash runs out. Then I suppose come home or better still get a place out there if we like it. Accommodation’s well cheap.

TIM LOOKS PAINED BUT IS TRYING TO MAINTAIN A BRAVE FACE.

TIM: Is it?

LEE: And if Dawn gets a job on reception out there, she’ll be twice as well off, so it makes sense.

DAWN SOAKS IN THIS HAPPY PROSPECT.

TIM: Oh, I fancy that. That’d be nice wouldn’t it? Brilliant. Well, good luck. I’d better get back to it. Well done, mate.

LEE: Cheers.

TIM: Have a great time.

LEE: Yeah. Looking forward to it.

TIM: Alright.

LEE: (to DAWN) Alright, love? Hello, how you doing?

DAWN: Good.

LEE: What’s that? You looking for swimming costumes or something? Bikinis?

DAWN’S TALKING HEAD BEGINS OVER THIS.

DAWN TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

DAWN: A real relationship isn’t like a fairy-tale. If you think that for the next forty years every time you see each other you’re gonna glow, or, you know, every time you hold hands there’s gonna be electricity, then you’re kidding yourself, really. What about reliability, or someone paying the mortgage, or someone who’s never been out of work? Those are the more important practical things, you know, in reality.

SCENE 22. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE/BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

OFFICE SCENES. WE SEE SHEILA LOOK OVER AT OLIVER, QUIET LONGING IN HER EYES.

BRENT IS ALONE IN HIS OFFICE. HE STANDS UP AND BUMPS HIS KNEE ON THE DESK. HE HOBBLES AWAY IN PAIN, THEN WITHOUT WARNING TURNS AND ATTACKS THE DESK VIOLENTLY WITH HIS FOOT.

CUT TO: DAWN WALKING PAST TIM. AS SHE DOES SO SHE FLICKS THE BACK OF HIS NECK. HE SMILES AND THEN LOSES HIMSELF IN THOUGHT.

TIM’S TALKING HEAD BEGINS OVER THIS.

TIM TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

TIM: You know, as I said at the time, when I asked Dawn out, I didn’t “ask her out”; I asked her out as a friend, you know. I felt sorry for her because she was having trouble with Lee at the time and it was … No, it wasn’t like a, you know – under different circumstances, then sure, something may have happened – but she’s going away now, you can’t act … You can’t change circumstances, you know …

HE TRAILS OFF AND FALLS SILENT FOR A MOMENT.

TIM: Sorry, excuse me …

TIM SUDDENLY GETS UP AND WALKS OUT OF THE FRAME.

THE CAMERA BEGINS TO MOVE – IT’S OBVIOUSLY BEING LIFTED OFF ITS TRIPOD. THE CAMERAMAN HASTILY FOLLOWS TIM, WHO IS STRIDING PURPOSEFULLY DOWN A CORRIDOR. HE APPROACHES DAWN AT RECEPTION.

TIM: Dawn, Dawn, can I just have a word in here?

HE LEADS HER INTO THE MEETING ROOM AND CLOSES THE DOOR. THE CAMERA WATCHES THEM THROUGH THE WINDOW.

TIM UNHOOKS HIS INTERVIEW MICROPHONE AND THE SOUND FROM INSIDE THE MEETING ROOM DISAPPEARS.

WE SEE TIM SAYING SOMETHING TO DAWN. WE CANNOT HEAR WHAT IS BEING SAID. DAWN PUTS HER ARMS ROUND HIM AND HUGS HIM, THEN SAYS SOMETHING IN RESPONSE.

PAUSE.

THEY BOTH EMERGE FROM THE MEETING ROOM BUT WE CANNOT READ THEIR FACES.

TIM WALKS PAST THE CAMERA AND WE FOLLOW HIM TO HIS DESK. HE REALISES THAT HE HASN’T GOT HIS MICROPHONE ON. HE CLIPS IT BACK ON AND LIFTS THE MIC TO HIS MOUTH.

TIM: She said no, by the way.

WE HOLD ON TIM, BACK BEHIND HIS DESK.

SCENE 23. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

NEIL AND JENNIFER ARE SETTLING DOWN WITH BRENT. BRENT IS ACTING DEFIANTLY IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY. HE IS ALMOST DIGNIFIED.

NEIL: You alright, David?

BRENT: Yeah. Fine. You?

NEIL: Yeah.

BRENT: Good. Small talk done. Go on.

NEIL: Okay, thanks very much. Everyone really appreciates what you’ve done.

BRENT: Do you?

NEIL: Okay. Down to business.

NEIL PASSES A PIECE OF PAPER ACROSS TO BRENT. BRENT READS IT.

NEIL: That’s what we’ve come up with as a redundancy offer.

BRENT: Yeah. More than I expected.

NEIL: We’ve been quite generous.

BRENT: Bada-bing.

NEIL: Now, you can leave on the third with your holiday I understand, which is a Tuesday. Now, we wondered if you wanted to come back for a party on the Friday or leave on the Friday before?

BRENT: Whatever.

NEIL: Okay. Well, again, thanks very much David.

NEIL OFFERS HIS HAND. BRENT TAKES IT – BUT HOLDS ON.

BRENT: Don’t make me redundant … Please.

NEIL: (embarrassed) Look, David …

BRENT: (handing the offer back) I don’t … I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want redundancy. I don’t want that. I haven’t signed anything so …

NEIL: Well, David, unfortunately it’s not really up to you. I’m sorry.

BRENT, FOR THE FIRST TIME, REALISES HE CAN’T ACT TOUGH HERE.

BRENT: (desperate) No, okay then … Alright then. Well, I’m asking, okay? Please don’t make me redundant. (TO JENNIFER) You can, you can talk to someone, Jenny.

JENNIFER: The wheels are already in motion.

BRENT: No, well, stop them because –

NEIL: David, we’re not going to discuss this now.

BRENT IS ALMOST IN TEARS.

BRENT: No, but just say that it’s not definite now before you go. And we can … I will try twice as hard, I really will. I know I’ve been complacent and I’ll turn this place around if we just say that it’s not definite now, and then we can, um … “You’re not going until …” Starting from now. Starting from now.

SILENCE. NEIL AND JENNIFER DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

WE HOLD ON THE THREE OF THEM UNTIL WE CAN BEAR IT NO LONGER.

SCENE 24. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

VARIOUS OFFICE SHOTS.

WE SEE BOTH DAWN AND TIM, EACH ALONE AND EACH LOOKING UTTERLY SHELL-SHOCKED.

BRENT’S TALKING HEAD BEGINS OVER THIS.

BRENT TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

BRENT: Life is just a series of peaks and troughs, yeah? And you don’t know whether you’re in a trough until you’re climbing out, or on a peak until you’re coming down. And that’s it, you know. You never know what’s round the corner. But it’s all good. Here you are: “If you want the rainbow, you’ve got to put up with the rain.” Do you know which “philosopher” said that? Dolly Parton. (PAUSE) And people say she’s just a big pair of tits.

CLOSING MUSIC AND END CREDITS, THEN:

WE SEE DAWN BEHIND THE RECEPTION DESK, LOOKING SHAKEN. THE PHONE RINGS AND SHE ANSWERS IT.

DAWN: Hello, Wernham Hogg …