Merger

Pre-titles sequence. Scene 1. Int. Open-plan office. Day.

Tim is sitting at his desk. For the first ever time, he looks as though he’s working hard. Gareth enters.

Tim:
Morning Gareth.

Gareth sits down and starts singing that infuriating Muppet Show song: ‘Mah-na-mah-nah’. Another employee comes over and joins in.

Tim tries hard to ignore this.

Suddenly David Brent appears from his office, grinning wildly, and joins in with the song.

They’re now all singing and bopping around. They’re having the time of their lives. Tim is not.

Eventually they finish singing and go back to what they were doing.

Brent: (giggling)
Muppets…

OPENING TITLES….

Tim talking head. Int. Day.

Tim:
No, I’m not giving up the idea of going to university. It’s not like I’m never going to go, it’s just that I’ve been made Senior Sales Rep., which is a great opportunity for me. There’s people now coming in from Swindon, which is a new and exciting sort of venture for me as well. I’m thirty, time to grow up, basically. It’s that simple.

Scene 2. Int. Open-plan office. Day.

Tim and Gareth are at their desks, working. Tim is on the phone doing business, being efficient and sounding responsible.

Tim:
Listen, I suggest we put this down as a lesson, right? You have this stuff over to me by three o’clock today … Three o’clock today, please … Alright, then we’ll say ‘no harm done’. Alright? Okay … See ya.

Gareth takes a call on his mobile.

Gareth:
Gareth Keenan. Who’s that? Oggy! Oggy oggy oggy! Oink oink oink!

Tim reacts.

Gareth:
Oggy oggy oggy, oink oink oink! Oggy – oggy – oggy oggy oggy! Oink oink oink! … Yeah, I’ll see you later.

He hangs up.

TIM:
Do you still keep in touch with Oggy?

GARETH:
That was Oggy just then.

TIM:
Was it? How is he?

GARETH:
He’s fine. You don’t even know him.

TIM:
No, I wish I did, he sounds great.

GARETH:
He is actually.

TIM: (angry)
One thing Gareth: when you’re on the phone, could you keep the pig impersonations down to a minimum?

GARETH:
Yeah. Here we go. I’ve told you before. You can’t tell me what to do, I’m Team Leader.

TIM:
Well, actually Gareth, I’m Senior Sales Rep., so, yes I can.

GARETH:
Er, Team Leader beats Senior Sales Rep.

TIM:
No, no, it doesn’t. My job title actually means something Gareth, yeah? I’ve got a pay rise, I’m on a new scale. Team Leader doesn’t mean anything, mate.

GARETH:
Excuse me, it means I’m leader of a team.

TIM:
No it doesn’t, it’s a title someone’s given you to get you to do something they don’t want to do for free, right? It’s like making the div kid at school milk monitor. No-one respects it.

GARETH:
Er, I think they do.

TIM:
No, they don’t, Gareth.

GARETH:
Er, yes they do, ‘cos if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last so it was warm.

TIM REACTS.

SCENE 3. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

Scenes of office life.

BRENT IS HOVERING AT HIS OFFICE DOORWAY. AN EMPLOYEE IS OUTSIDE, TRYING TO SEND A FAX. SUDDENLY BRENT COMES OUT AND COLLARS HIM.

BRENT:
Oh no, I was going through some old stuff. Found that. Do you remember that? ‘Inside Paper’. It’s the trade magazine for the paper industry. My ugly mug on the front. Oh no … Embarrassing.

SILENCE. THE EMPLOYEE IS NOT INTERESTED AND HAS NOTHING TO SAY.

BRENT:
(a bit annoyed) Alright …

HE BRUSHES THE EMPLOYEE AWAY, AS IF TO SAY, ‘IF YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED, SOD OFF.’ BRENT IS LEFT, HAVING MADE A FUSS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA. HE REALISES THIS IS FAINTLY EMBARRASSING AND MUTTERS TO HIMSELF TO TRY TO GET OUT OF IT.

BRENT:
He’s put me off what I was doing now, where was I … ? Oh yeah, making those phone calls.

HE SIDLES BACK INTO HIS OFFICE.

SCENE 4. INT. RECEPTION. DAY.

DAWN IS BEHIND THE RECEPTION DESK CANOODLING WITH HER FIANCÉ LEE. TIM APPROACHES AND DROPS A PACKAGE INTO HER IN-TRAY.

TIM:
Hello Dawn. Someone’s coming to collect that later, so if you could …

DAWN:
Okay …

TIM WALKS AWAY. HE DOUBLES BACK.

TIM:
(to LEE) I wouldn’t get caught behind there today, mate, because there’s new people coming in and top brass are milling about so you should, er …

DAWN:
It’ll be fine.

LEE:
I’m going anyway, mate.

DAWN:
Bye.

LEE KISSES DAWN THEN WALKS AWAY. TIM WATCHES HIM GO.

TIM:
I’m sorry about that, it’s just I’ve got to supervise everything and make sure it’s all sort of, you know …

HE STARTS TO WALK AWAY.

DAWN:
You haven’t visited for ages.

TIM:
Oh, yeah, well, I’m busier now, I’m sort of a bit snowed under, so …

DAWN:
But you’re alright though?

TIM:
Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. You?

DAWN:
Mmm, you’d have laughed –

DAWN’S PHONE RINGS.

TIM: (cutting her story short)
Phone.

TIM WALKS BACK TO HIS DESK. DAWN WATCHES HIM GO AS SHE TAKES THE CALL.

SCENE 5. INT. RECEPTION. DAY

A HANDSOME 30-YEAR-OLD MAN IS STANDING AT RECEPTION. BRENT APPROACHES HIM.

BRENT:
It’s all go.

DAWN:
This is Neil.

BRENT: (shaking his hand)
Neil Godwin.

NEIL:
Hi.

BRENT: (to camera)
Neil is Jennifer’s replacement. He’s sort of overseeing –

NEIL: (to camera)
I’m David’s boss.

BRENT: (to camera)
Yes, just a tiny, a little bit above me, and that’s only because it’s –

NEIL: (to camera)
I’m the UK Manager. I was sort of David’s equivalent in Swindon, and doing the same kind of job as him. Obviously my branch closed and now my staff are coming here, so I’m essentially David’s boss, looking after him –

BRENT:
Well … “Looking after” is the wrong term to use because we’re both … (TO NEIL) Good to meet you, though.

NEIL:
We have met before.

BRENT:
Have we?

NEIL:
Yeah. Ipswich Conference.

BRENT:
Oh God. I was a “leetle beet drunk”!

NEIL:
For most of the week, as I remember.

BRENT: (excited to be thought of as a rock ‘n’ roller)
Oh, doesn’t sound like me does it, Dawn? Anyway … Come into my boudoir. Ooh!

DAWN WATCHES THEM GO, A FORCED SMILE ON HER FACE.

BRENT:
Is Jennifer with you?

NEIL:
No, she’s on her way apparently.

BRENT:
Oh, part-timer.

THEY REACH THE HAT-STAND, WHICH NOW HAS ‘MONKEY’ IMPALED ON IT. BRENT STOPS AND POINTS IT OUT.

BRENT:
Monkey! That’s an example of the laughs we have here – for one …

BRENT TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

BRENT:
Sure, we’re in potentially traumatic times, but they are exciting times … with the merger. And things moved fast. Only two weeks ago I was telling them at the party I’d decided to stay after all and you saw how relieved they were at that. But we’ve had a personnel change of twenty, twenty-five per cent, you know, people coming and going. Redundancies – some voluntary, some involuntary, which is always hard. I had to let my PA go – last in, first out – which, you know, was really sad. That was upsetting. I’m coping. I rolled with the punch, you know, and it turns out that Dawn can do a lot of it anyway, so …

SCENE 6. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY

NEIL SITS IN FRONT OF BRENT’S DESK. BRENT SITS BEHIND IT, TRYING TO LOOK LIKE THE MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN. NEIL STARTS TAKING SOME PAPERWORK OUT OF HIS BRIEFCASE.

NEIL:
I’m sure there’s going to be plenty of time for this later, I just thought I’d give you some of this while I think of it …

BRENT IS SUBTLY PUSHING THE TRADE MAGAZINE, INSIDE PAPER, TOWARDS NEIL. NEIL ABSENT-MINDEDLY MOVES IT ASIDE. BRENT LEANS FORWARD TO RETRIEVE IT.

BRENT:
Oh, er, is that in the way?

NEIL:
No, you’re alright.

HE HOLDS UP THE TRADE MAG.

BRENT:
You can put something down there ‘cos I’ll move that. Oh God. Look at that. Stupid – get UK manager of the month in ‘Inside Paper’ and pull a daft face. Typical.

NEIL:
You look quite young there.

BRENT:
Yeah, photogenic. Sort of natural.

NEIL: (noticing the cover date)
And it’s eighteen months old.

BRENT: (caught out)
Yeah, I’ve been meaning to throw that away. I got it out today to throw it away. Definitely.

HE PLACES IT GENTLY ON TOP OF THE BIN.

BRENT:
There. Just look at that. ‘Inside Paper’. ‘Inside the Paper Bin’ now. Recycle that. It’s a shame ’cos …

SCENE 7. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

GARETH AND TIM ARE WORKING. GARETH HAS A BISCUIT TIN ON HIS DESK SHAPED LIKE A COMICAL NEW YORK COP. HE LIFTS THE LID AND TAKES A BISCUIT. A ROBOTIC AMERICAN VOICE BOOMS OUT.

BISCUIT TIN:
Stop. Move away from the cookie jar!

TIM LOOKS UNIMPRESSED. GARETH SNIGGERS AND LIFTS THE LID AGAIN.

BISCUIT TIN:
Stop! Move away from the cookie jar!

BRENT SIDLES UP.

BRENT:
Hello.

GARETH:
Do you want a biscuit?

BRENT:
What is it?

BRENT LIFTS THE LID.

BISCUIT TIN:
Stop! Move away from the cookie jar!

BRENT AND GARETH BOTH LAUGH. TIM ROLLS HIS EYES.

BRENT:
It’s good, innit? Oh, d’you know this little thing we’re doing lunchtime? Just a welcoming do for the new Swindon lot. Just a meet-and-greet and I’ll be doing a speech, so no heckling.

GARETH:
I got a joke you can use.

BRENT:
Well, you don’t usually do jokes but go on …

GARETH:
Alright, it’s Christmas dinner. Royal family, having their Christmas dinner. Camilla Parker-Bowles goes, “Okay, we’ll play twenty questions.

BRENT TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

Big day today. The Swindon mob are arriving. I’ve laid on a little do for them, part of the job. If you’re asking me what vibe I’m gonna lay down, it’s going to be very much a just a chill-out, let’s-get-to-know-each-other type of vibe. (WE SEE THAT JENNIFER TAYLOR-CLARKE HAS ARRIVED AND IS TALKING TO BRENT AND NEIL.) Jennifer’s coming back just to oversee the transition. Very much holding Neil’s hand – daunting for him, sure.

A GROUP OF EMPLOYEES ARE DEEP IN CONVERSATION. BRENT IS HOVERING BEHIND THEM, TRYING TO JOIN IN. DAWN HANDS HIM A GLASS OF WINE.

BRENT: (loudly towards new employees) Oh no, Dawn … You know I don’t drink!

THEY SLOWLY REACT TO THE INTERRUPTION.

BRENT: Uh? Just … She gave me some wine and I went, “No, I don’t drink”.

SWINDON EMPLOYEE: Do you not drink?

BRENT: (giggling and nudging Slough employee) He says, “Do I not drink”?!

PAUSE.

SLOUGH EMPLOYEE: (resignedly) Yeah, he drinks.

BRENT: Just a little bit.

NO-ONE IS INTERESTED.

SCENE 9. INT. RECEPTION/MEETING ROOM. DAY

BRENT IS EXCITEDLY USHERING PEOPLE INTO THE MEETING ROOM.

BRENT: Take a chair. Not literally! Ladies first. Oh, here we go.

NEIL: Did you put the chairs out yourself?

BRENT: Yes, it was worth the effort.

NEIL: It’s great.

BRENT: Are you going to say a few words?

NEIL: Just a few, nothing much.

BRENT: Don’t be nervous. Just keep it short and bring me on. Enjoy the show.

NEIL: Okay.

BRENT GOES INTO THE ROOM, GIGGLING TO HIMSELF AT THE THOUGHT OF WHAT HE’S GOING TO SAY.

BRENT TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

BRENT: Some people are intimidated when talking to large numbers of people in an entertaining way. Not me, you know, I have had experience. At one of the Coventry conferences, some of us put on a little revue. I was the main thing and I did impressions of the conference co-ordinator, Eric Hitchmough, and he talks like this and he always says this one thing. He says, “I don’t agree with that in the workplace”. And I did him as famous people. Like the compère would go, “Ladies and gentlemen, Lieutenant Columbo.” And I’d come out in a mac and I’d go, “One final thing, my wife loves you, but I don’t agree with that in the workplace!” That’s great, and I did him as Basil Fawlty: “I think I mentioned it once but I got away with it and I don’t agree with that in the workplace!” And they were cracking up, and he loved it, because there was nothing vicious, you know. Some comedians would have picked on other stuff, you know, been more nasty. Like, he’s got a little withered hand like Jeremy Beadle – I didn’t mention it. No need.

BRENT, NEIL AND JENNIFER ARE SITTING AT THE FRONT OF THE ROOM. NEIL GETS UP TO SPEAK.

NEIL: Okay, hello everyone. For those of you that don’t know me, my name’s Neil Godwin. For those of you that do know me, keep schtum.

MILD LAUGHTER.

NEIL: I’m a man of simple pleasures. I don’t need lovely houses, beautiful girls and classy restaurants – so it’s a good job I moved to Slough!

SOME LAUGHS AND A FEW “OOHS”.

NEIL:
No, it’s great to be in Slough, really it is – I’ve spent a year in Beirut.

MORE LAUGHTER.

NEIL:
Now, I know David is feeling a bit worried about taking on all these new staff –

BRENT GETS TO HIS FEET BUT SHEEPISHLY HAS TO SIT DOWN AGAIN WHEN HE REALISES IT’S NOT YET HIS BIG MOMENT.

NEIL:
– because as manager it is going to mean a lot more responsibility. He’ll now have to delegate twice as much work!

LAUGHS AND CHEERING. BRENT SMILES. PLEASED TO BE PART OF THE JOKE.

NEIL:
But there will be pwrks for him – I’m sure he’s looking forward to having a whole new group of men underneath him!

SOME GOOD-NATURED WHOOPING. BRENT LOOKS A LITTLE ANNOYED.

NEIL: Anyway, here’s the man at the top of the pile … David Brent.

BRENT GETS UP. PEOPLE APPLAUD.

BRENT: (pointing to Neil)
Wait! You know he was saying there about me being the top of the pile of men, like saying I’m gay, right? I’m not ggay. In fact I can honestly say I’ve never “come over a little queer”.

HE MIMES WANKING. THER IS SOME NERVOUS MUTTERING.

BRENT: Get to the real stuff, that’s just … He put me off.

BRENT THUMBS THROUGH A THICK WAD OF HAND-WRITTEN NOTES.

BRENT: Welcome to Slough, to the new people. My name’s David Brent and I’ve always been in the paper industry, haven’t I, yeah. My parents owned a paper shop – until it blew away. ‘Cos it was paper.

THERE IS A FAINT RIPPLE OF GROANING. BRENT IS SLIGHTLY TAKEN ABACK BY THE LESS THAN OVERWHELMING RESPONSE.

BRENT: There’s better ones than that. Okay. Yeah. I’m not used to public squeaking, I piss-pronunciate a lot of my worms.

THERE IS NO RESPONSE. PEOPLE SIT STONY-FACED.

BRENT: (struggling) Do you not – that’s The Two Ronnies – do you not like that? That is classic stuff.

A MOBILE PHONE RINGS.

BRENT: (snapping) Turn the phone off, that’s part of it. If you’re not concentrating you’re not going to enjoy it as much … (COMPOSING HIMSELF) Focus. Okay. Anyway, good to have you all here from Swindon. ‘Cos I hear they dropped an atomic bomb on Swindon. About fifteen quid’s worth of damage.

THE AUDIENCE LOOKS STUNNED AND EMBARRASSED AT THIS MANGLED JOKE.

BRENT:
Right. Okay. Let’s … Right. Oh, it’s a good job Eric Hitchmough isn’t here ‘cos you know what he’d say: “I don’t agree with that in the workplace!”.

(HE DOES HIS COLUMBO IMPRESSION) “Yeah, one final thing, my wife loves you but I don’t agree with that in the workplace!” What’s that Eric, you’ve given up being a Los Angeles detective and you’ve started running a hotel in Torquay? (HE LAUNCHES INTO HIS BASIL FAWLTY ROUTINE) “Yes, don’t mention the war, I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it. And I don’t agree with that in the workplace!”

BRENT RESORTS TO BASIL FAWLTY’S GOOSE-STEPPING FUNNY WALK.

BRENT:
(frustrated) “I don’t agree with that in the workplace!”

NO-ONE LAUGHS. HE IS DYING UP THERE.

BRENT:
Do you not know who Eric Hitchmough is?

PEOPLE SHAKE THEIR HEADS.

BRENT:
Who’s been to the Coventry conference?

A COUPLE OF HANDS ARE RAISED.

BRENT:
Right, so do you not know Eric Hitchmough?

JAMIE:
Yeah, but I didn’t know he talked like that.

BRENT:
He talks exactly like that, doesn’t he Gareth?

GARETH:
I prefer that stuff you do about his little hand …

GARETH MIMES HIS LITTLE HAND.

BRENT:
I don’t do stuff about his little hand.

GARETH:
Yeah, you do, the wanking claw …

BRENT:
(to audience, desperate now)
Has everyone heard of Harry Enfield?

PEOPLE ANSWER “YES”,
SHOCKED BY THE AGGRESSION.

BRENT:
Yes, right then, okay. Then who’s this?
“I do not believe you wanted to do that. Only me.”

THERE IS NO RESPONSE. BRENT IS CRUSHED.

BRENT:
Oh come on …
(ANGRY NOW)
Ahhh, you try something. And that’s … Aah …

BRENT SITS BACK DOWN, A BROKEN MAN.

NEIL GETS UP AGAIN.

NEIL:
Erm, thanks David.

BRENT: (curt, hearing his name)
Uh?

NEIL:
Thanks.

BRENT: (ungracious)
Whatever, just …

NEIL:
Okay, there’s plenty of wine and snacks left through there, so if you want to help yourselfs to anything, come through –

PEOPLE SHUFFLE OFF IN EMBARRASSED SILENCE. BRENT STAYS SEATED. EVERYONE AVOIDS LOOKING AT HIM AS THEY LEAVE.

SCENE 10. INT. RECEPTION AREA/OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

A “WELCOME SWINDON” DRINKS PARTY IS IN PROGESS. PEOPLE ARE MAKING STILTED SMALL TALK WHILE DRINKING CHEAP WINE FROM PLASTIC GLASSES.

GARETH IS TALKING TO BRENDA, THE WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR. HE DOESN’T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HER.

CUT TO: BIG KIETH LOOKING BORED.

CUT TO: TIM AND JENNIFER CHATTING. DAWN WALKS BY AND LOOKS HAPPY WHEN TIM CALLS HER OVER.

TIM:
Sorry, excuse me Jennifer. Dawn – sorry, I’ve just realised you’ve been off reception for an hour and I don’t know if we’re missing calls or what. Could you check? Could you check the messages?

DAWN NODS. A LITTLE TAKEN ABACK.

TIM:
Is that alright? Thanks very much mate. Cheers.

TIM RESUMES HIS CHAT WITH JENNIFER. DAWN WALKS AWAY DISAPPOINTED ONCE AGAIN BY TIM’S CHANGE OF CHARACTER.

SCENE 11. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT SLIDES UP NEXT TO A FEW OF THE SWINDON NEWCOMERS.

BRENT:
Hiya. Oh lunchtime gigs. They’re the worst, ain’t they? I don’t think Neil warmed you up, to be honest, that’s why it went over their …
(HE MIMES SOMETHING GOING OVER HIS HEAD)
He’s not a professional comedian.

SWINDON EMPLOYEE #1:
He was funny though.

BRENT:
Yeah, but often an amateur will stitch up a professional.

THERE’S SOME AWKWARD SILENCE AND NODDING. IT’S THE FIRST TIME THESE PEOPLE HAVE SEEN A MAN QUITE LIKE THIS.

BRENT:
Here’s one I should have told you, right … The royal family, yeah, Christmas day, had lunch, sitting down and Camilla goes, “Let’s play a game.” Right? “Let’s play twenty questions.” I’ll think of something and you’ve got to guess what I’m thinking of”, and what she is thinking of is a black man’s cock. So Charles goes “Is it bigger than a bread bin?” and she goes, “Yes”. Philip goes, “Can I put it in my mouth?”, she goes, “Yes.” So the Queen goes –

AS HE BEGINS THE PUNCHLINE, OLIVER, THE NEW BLACK EMPLOYEE, JOINS THE GROUP.

BRENT:
– “Is it a black m-“
(DRYING UP AS HE SEES OLIVER)
Hiya …

OLIVER:
Sorry, were you telling a joke?

BRENT:
No, that was it.

SWINDON EMPLOYEE #1:
What did the Queen say?

OLIVER:
Come on then. What was the joke?

SWINDON EMPLOYEE #1:
It was about the royal family playing twenty questions.

OLIVER:
It’s not the black man’s cock one, isn’t it?

BRENT:
Er … it might be. But bad., isn’t it?

OLIVER:
No, it’s alright, it’s funny.

BRENT:
Harmless.
(PATRONISING OLIVER FOR “TAKING IT SO WELL”)
Well done.

BRENT TURNS, LOOKING FOR SOME WAY TO SHIFT THE CONVERSATION ONTO SOMETHING ELSE. HE FINDS THE ANSWER OPPOSITE HIM IN THE FORM OF BRENDA IN HER WHEELCHAIR.

BRENT:
Have you all met the, er … this little lady … this lady …?

SCENE 12. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY

BRENT AND GARETH ARE SITTING NEXT TO EACH OTHER. JENNIFER AND NEIL ARE OPPOSITE THEM.

JENNIFER:
Well, it’s a shame this had to happen on Neil’s first day, but, well, I’ve just had a complaint from one of the new intake.

BRENT:
What complaint?

JENNIFER:
I can’t believe that you think the way to welcome people is by telling racist jokes.

BRENT:
Wrong. No way. He’d heard it before, right? He thought it was funny, so I don’t know why he’s complaining now.

JENNIFER:
He? It was a woman.

BRENT:
Oh, I assumed it was the …
(HE SWIPES HIS HAND ACROSS HIS FACE AS THOUGH THAT MIGHT SUGGEST “BLACKNESS”, BUT THEN THINKS BETTER OF IT)
… the new guy. Whoever it was is wrong, because it isn’t racist.

JENNIFER:
What is it?

BRENT:
What? The joke?

JENNIFER:
The gist of it.

BRENT:
It won’t be funny now, will it?

JENNIFER:
I don’t care, what’s the content?

BRENT:
Royal family sitting at home Christmas day and Camilla goes, “Oh, let’s play a game. I’ll think of something and you have to guess what I’m thinking of”, and what she’s actually thinking of is “a black man’s cock”.

BRENT AND GARETH GIGGLE TOGETHER, ENJOYING THE JOKE.

BRENT: So Charles goes, “Is it bigger than a bread bin?” Camilla goes, “Yes”. So Philip goes, “Can I put it in my mouth?” Camilla goes, “Yes.” So the Queen goes, “Oh, is it a black man’s cock?”.

GARETH LAUGHS.

BRENT: (pleased, pointing at Gareth)
And he’s heard it before. So that’s the sort of …

JENNIFER:
I can see why someone would find that offensive.

BRENT:
It’s not racist though, is it? I didn’t say anything bad about black people.

JENNIFER:
It’s about a black man’s cock.

BRENT:
Why is that racist? It just happens to be a black man’s cock. It could equally –

JENNIFER:
– No you’re using the ethnic stereotype that all black men have large penises because you think that makes it funnier.

BRENT:
It’s not an insult though, is it? It’s a compliment if anything.

JENNIFER:
So what you’re saying is that black people ought to be flattered that their only achievement in this world is having oversized genitalia?

BRENT:
I’m saying they shouldn’t be ashamed of them.

JENNIFER:
It’s a myth.

GARETH:
I don’t know Jennifer, I could show you a magazine where literally –
HE HOLDS OUT HIS HANDS ABOUT A FOOT APART.

JENNIFER: (angered)
Could you?

GARETH:
Well, I haven’t got it with me, but when you are next in?

BRENT:
I could change it. I could just say “big cock”. Not mention the colour.

JENNIFER:
Well, you could, or you could save these jokes for your free time and not tell them in the workplace.

BRENT:
(childish, pointing to Gareth)
It was his joke, he told me it.

JENNIFER:
Whatever David, let’s leave it there. You’ve heard my opinion on the matter, now shall we go back outside?

JENNIFER HEADS BACK TO THE PARTY. GARETH FOLLOWS HER. BRENT WALKS WITH NEIL.

BRENT: (to Neil)
She’s right to be careful, because some of them can be a little bit sensitive.

NEIL:
Sorry. Who can?

BRENT:
Some … people can take things the wrong way. Ooh! As an actor said to the bishop!

HE LAUGHS BUT SUDDENLY REALISES HE COULD IN TROUBLE AGAIN.

BRENT:
And that’s not a gay stereotype. I’m not saying that is the wrong way. I’m saying it’s a way. Some women like it the wrong way., don’t thy, and they’re straight. It’s doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay, you know, a lot of people are – one in ten apparently – that seems a bit high, doesn’t it? But you know, if you – you might be gay. I mean …

(FLOUNDERING)
… if you are, good luck to you – just, just make sure it’s legal and – be safe! Okay?

NEIL NODS, SLIGHTLY PUZZLED. THEY RE-JOIN THE PARTY.

GARETH TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

GARETH:
That’s it, see. A lot of people can’t keep up with what words are acceptable these days and what words aren’t. It’s like my dad, for example, he’s not as cosmopolitan or as educated as me, and it can be embarrassing, you know? He doesn’t understand all the new trendy words, like, he’ll say “poofs” instead of “gays”, “birds” instead of “women”, “darkies” instead of “coloureds” …

SCENE 13. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY

POPLE ARE STANDING CHATTING. GARETH HAS HIS EYE ON RACHEL, THE YPUNGEST, MOST ATTRACTIVE NEW GIRL.

TIM IS HELPING HIMSELF TO THE SANDWICHES AND SNACKS THAT ARE LAID OUT ON THE TABLE. UNSURPRISINGLY, BIG KEITH IS ALSO THERE, CHOWING DOWN.

KEITH:
Alright, Tim?

TIM:
Yes thanks, Keith.

RACHEL IS ALSO GETTING SNACKS. TIM BUMPS INTO HER.

RACHEL: (to TIM) Hiya.

TIM:
Sorry, didn’t mean to … Do you know you’ve got a T-shirt with “Pot My Pink” on it?

RACHEL:
Do you play snooker?

TIM:
So, it’s … Rachel?

RACHEL:
Tim?

TIM:
Well done.

GARETH APPEARS FROM NOWHERE, WORRIED THAT HE’S MISSING OUT ON THE ‘NEW TOTTY’.

GARETH:
Gareth Keenan. Gareth Keenan.

RACHEL:
Hiya.

KEITH: (out of nowhere)
Keith.

SCENE 14. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY

BRENT WALKS OVER TO JENNIFER, WHO IS TALKING TO A FEW PEOPLE, INCLUDING OLIVER.

BRENT:
Hey Jenny, so you’ve met Oliver?

JENNIFER:
Yes.

BRENT:
Yeah. Good lad. (TO OLIVER) We were having a laugh earlier, weren’t we?

OLIVER:
Er … Oh yeah.

BRENT:
Did you like that joke I told about the Royal Family?

OLIVER: (slightly puzzled)
Uh, yeah, yeah, it was funny.

BRENT: (feigning surprise)
Oh. Yeah.

JENNIFER:
David, we’ve talked about this and I think I’ve made myself perfectly clear.

BRENT:
Yep, interesting –

JENNIFER:
I’ll see you later, David. Goodbye.

SHE WANDERS OFF.

BRENT: (to OLIVER)
She should chill out a bit more, shouldn’t she? Maybe have a bit of the old ganja.

BRENT MIMES TAKING A DRAG ON A JOINT.

BRENT:
D’you know what I mean? (HE GESTURES AT OLIVER) ‘Course you do. Oh … Meetings would be different, wouldn’t they? “Yes, David, I’ve called this meeting because I want you to go down the twenty-four-hour garage and get me some Hob-Nobs”. Munchies … Like Scooby Doo. All …

(HE DOES A SCOOBY DOO IMPRESSION) Scooby Doo, Dooby dooby-doo. Shaggy!

HE STARTS LAUGHING HEARTILY AT HIS OWN JOKE.

SCENE 15. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

YET AGAIN BRENT IS EXPLAINING HIMSELF TO JENNIFER AND NEIL.

BRENT: (desperate now)
I was not advocating the use of drugs! I was talking to someone on their level, because I can communicate with people from all walks of life.

SCENE 16. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM IS STILL TRYING TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH RACHEL. GARETH HAS INVEIGLED HIS WAY INTO THE CONVERSATION. TIM IS HOLDING A POLYSTYRENE BOWL OF CRISPS AND OFFERS THEM TO RACHEL.

TIM:
Do you want one?

GARETH: (just wittering)
Snacks.

TIM: (searching for something to ask RACHEL)
So, when did you come up?

RACHEL:
Saturday.

GARETH: (still wittering)
Ahh, Saturday.

TIM:
Was it your mum or your boyfriend, or whatever, drove you?

RACHEL:
No, my brother came up with me.

TIM:
Okay. You got a lot of ties in Swindon or you starting again up here?

RACHEL:
I’ll be going back weekends.

TIM:
Oh right. Okay.

GARETH:
Sorry, so have you got a boyfriend or not?

RACHEL: (chuckling)
Er no, I haven’t. Erm, I think I left my drink, I’m just gonna …

TIM:
Okay, see you in a bit.

SHE WALKS OFF.

GARETH: (aside to TIM)
Tim, I know you don’t mean to but you’re sort of cramping my style a bit.

TIM:
What?

GARETH:
I mean I’m kind of planning to get off with her.

TIM:
Gareth. What if I liked her?

GARETH:
I saw her first, mate.

TIM:
And how does that work?

GARETH POINTS AT HIS EYES AND THEN TOWARDS RACHEL.

TIM:
So? You’ve won that argument doing that, have you? Yeah, of course. That’s won the argument.

SCENE 17. INT. RECEPTION. DAY.

PEOPLE ARE RETURNING TO THEIR DESKS.

TIM IS WALKING PAST RECEPTION. DAWN CALLS TO HIM.

DAWN:
Hi!

TIM:
Hi.

DAWN:
They came for the package.

TIM:
Oh they came, did they?

DAWN:
Yeah. No problem.

TIM:
Cool.

DAWN:
I’m so bored.

TIM:
Are you? Right. Okay.

DAWN:
Do you want to wind up Gareth for a bit?

TIM:
No. I don’t think we should. He’s a bit busy.

DAWN:
So?

TIM:
So am I Dawn, actually. So should you be …

DAWN LOOKS SHOCKED. TIM NEVER USED TO SPEAK TO HER LIKE THIS.

SCENE 18. INT. RECEPTION/OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

PEOPLE ARE BACK AT WORK.

CUT TO: BRENT IN HIS OFFICE, STARING INTO SPACE, LOST IN THOUGHT.

CUT TO: DAWN LEANING ON HER RECEPTION DESK WATCHING TIM. TIM LOOKS ROUND AND SHE BREAKS HER GAZE, PRETENDING TO BE BUSY WORKING. TIM WALKS UP TO HER DESK.

TIM:
Dawn, hello. Listen, I’ve been checking my diary: I’ve been overlooking something – so have you actually – there’s a twenty-minute window I’ve got here, it says to “wind up Gareth with Dawn”.

DAWN BREAKS INTO A SMILE, RELIEVED AND EXCITED.

TIM:
So shall we do that, shall we? This way please, madam.

DAWN FOLLOWS TIM INTO THE MEETING ROOM. WE HEAR GARETH’S VOICE FROM INSIDE.

GARETH: (off-screen) Oh no, please, I’m not in the mood. I’m working …

TIM: (off-screen)
Gareth, just a quick one. Did you see that film last night? Gaylords say No …

GARETH: (off-screen)
No …

WE HEAR DAWN LAUGHING.

CUT TO: BRENT STILL IN HIS OFFICE, LOST IN THOUGHT.

SCENE 19. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

PEOPLE ARE WORKING. BRENT SUDDENLY APPEARS.

BRENT:
Sorry. Can I have a – hello – can I have a quick word with everyone? I’m mainly talking to the Swindon lot here. Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me, yeah? I don’t think, you know, you didn’t like some of the jokes I told earlier … You’ve got to chill out, yeah? Trust me. This is what I do. Alright? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant – fact! Yeah? And you’ll never have another boss like me, someone who’s basically a chilled-out entertainer, yeah? Now, some of you maybe didn’t understand the jokes I was making and misinterpreted one, and went to Jennifer, okay. Little bit annoyed that you thought you could go to Jennifer and not me. Who was it that complained? And it’s not a witchhunt, just, who was it that … ?

TRUDY AND BRENDA FROM SWINDON PUT THEIR HANDS UP.

BRENT:
Okay, two of you, good. Right, you – why did you think you could go to Jennifer but not me?

TRUDY:
Because I don’t know you, and I didn’t like the kind of joke you were telling.

BRENT:
Well …

TRUDY:
And I don’t think someone in your position should be laughing at black people.

BRENT:
It’s funny that only two of you thought that out of everyone, but, you know …

MALE SWINDON EMPLOYEE:
Erm, I don’t like it either.

BRENT:
Right, proves my point. Swindon, you’re new, you don’t know me.

SLOUGH EMPLOYEE:
I’m not new and I found it quite offensive.

BRENT:
(angry, pointing at OLIVER)
Right, well, he didn’t, so …

BRENDA:
but what’s he got to do with it?

BRENT:
Well, if he doesn’t mindus laughing at him, what harm’s been done is what …

TRUDY:
But why is it that only black people should be offended by racism?

BRENT:
Good point, yeah. First sensible thing you’ve said all day. Because I say come one, come all, we’re all the same, yeah? Let’s –

TRUDY:
So is that why you’ve only got one black guy in the whole organisation?

BRENT: (smug)
Wrong. Indian fella in the warehouse, and there used to be one Indian fella used to work up here – lovely chap – he left, he didn’t like it. Up to him, you know. If I had my way, the place would be full of ’em.

HE POINTS TO OLIVER TO ILLUSTRATE WHO HE MEANS BY “THEM”.

BRENT:
– wouldn’t it, Gareth?

GARETH:
Yeah. Or half and half.

BRENT:
(to OLIVER) Yeah. You are half and half, aren’t you?

OLIVER:
I’m mixed race, yes.

BRENT:
That is my favourite, yeah, that is what I’m trying to achieve … That’s the … (HE WEAVES HIS FINGERS TOGETHER) … melting pot … please? (TO ROOM, POINTING AT HIMSELF) So there’s your racist for you!

BRENT IS THINKING “MY WORK HERE IS DONE” AND HE WALKS OFF INTO HIS OFFICE. PEOPLE GO BACK TO WORK, STUNNED.

TIM AND DAWN ARE LAUGHING TOGETHER ABOUT BRENT’S SPEECH. HE STARTS DANCING WITH HER AND SINGING.

TIM:
What the world needs is a great big melting pot …

FROM NOWHERE, LEE APPEARS AND VIOLENTLY PUSHES TIM AGAINST THE WALL, SHOCKING EVERYONE WITH HIS FEROCITY. LEE STORMS OFF AND DAWN RUSHES AFTER HIM.

TIM IS LEFT TO STEW IN THE PAINFUL SILENCE. HE FEIGNS AN UNCONCERNED LAUGH AND SITS BACK DOWN AT HIS DESK.

CLOSING MUSIC AND END CREDITS, THEN:

DAWN IS TIDYING UP THE REMAINS OF THE BUFFET, ALONE.