Motivation

SCENE 1. INT. CORRIDOR. DAY.

WE ARE SPYING ON RACHEL AND TIM FROM AFAR. THEY ARE FLIRTING AND TIM KISSES HER NECK. SUDDENLY DAWN APPEARS – TIM AND RACHEL BREAK AWAY EMBARRASSED, AND DAWN REELS, FEELING AWKWARD THAT SHE HAS INTERRUPTED. WE SEE THE SHOCKED LOOK ON HER FACE AS SHE WALKS AWAY.

SCENE 2. INT. RECEPTION. DAY.

OFFICE SCENES. DAWN IS BEHIND RECEPTION. BRENT ARRIVES, WITH JACKET AND BRIEFCASE.

BRENT: (to camera) Another day, another dollar. (TO DAWN) Any mail?

DAWN: That’s your …

DAWN HANDS SOME LETTERS TO HIM AND DOES A DOUBLE-TAKE.

DAWN: That’s an earring.

BRENT: Whatever. Get over it.

DAWN: How long have you had that?

BRENT: (playing it cool) Too long baby.

DAWN: It’s bleeding.

BRENT: It really stings.

DAWN: Blimey. Is it an old one that you had to –

BRENT: Yeah, and I had to push really hard at the time and it was sort of like, it feels like …

DAWN: But they heal over.

BRENT: It had healed over. So I think I just, like, opened a sore.

HE FIDDLES WITH THE EARRING.

BRENT: You know those, um –

TIM AND RACHEL LAUGH OFF-SCREEN. DAWN LOOKS OVER AT THEM.

BRENT: What you looking at?

DAWN: (defensive) I’m not looking at anything.

BRENT: You know those people that came in, Ray and Jude, that I had the meeting with?

DAWN: I know.

BRENT: (over-explaining, showing off to camera) Yeah, they do … well, you know, they do sort of training seminars, yeah, and use expert speakers, don’t they? They’re using me for my … you know …

DAWN: Expertise?

BRENT: Yeah. Well, the good news for you, young lady, is you’re involved so …

DAWN: How?

BRENT: Well, I’m doing one tonight, I’m getting quite a bit of money for it … It’s a bit gauche, but three hundred quid – so I need someone just to carry my bag or something, organise …

DAWN: Oh, well …

BRENT: Hundred quid. For an hour’s work tonight.

DAWN: Hundred for an hour? That is a lot.

BRENT: Eighty.

DAWN: You just said a hundred.

BRENT: Ninety.

DAWN: You just said a hundred.

BRENT: Alright. Get there early then for that ‘cos that’s sharing the wealth, see? Looking after … that is silly money, a hundred for that. I should’ve …

SCENE 3. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK.

BRENT: Very exciting. It’s what I … you know … always wanted to do and it’s that working … I’ve had these cards made up.

(READING THEM)

“David Brent. Assertiveness and Guidance Training In Business – If it’s in you, I’ll find it.” ‘Cos that’s actually what I do, you know. I go along and I just point out what you’ve already got, I’m like a spiritual guide. The reason I’ve put “If it’s in you, I’ll find it” is if I’ve wasted good time and money looking for it and I can see it’s definitely not in you, I don’t want to be sued ‘cos you haven’t got it. So you’re not going to get me on that.

SCENE 4. INT. CORRIDOR. DAY.

TIM AND RACHEL ARE KISSING. GARETH SPOTS THEM.

GARETH: What’s going on here?

TIM: What does it look like?

GARETH: How long has this been going on? When were you going to tell me? I can’t believe you’d get off with the bird that I fancy.

TIM: Why can’t you believe that, Gareth?

GARETH: Well, I can’t believe there’s a bird that fancies you over me for a start. What are you … He’s a weird little bloke. Look at his cartoon face and his hair. He looks like a Fisher Price man. And his rubbish clothes. It makes me think there’s something wrong with you for a start, but yet in my head I’d still do you, so I’m confused. Alright, I’ll ask you straight: is there anything that could happen between us two while this is going on?

RACHEL: Like what?

GARETH: What, specifically?

RACHEL: Yeah.

GARETH: Hand job? Look, don’t answer now. Think about it.

HE LEAVES, HIS FINAL OFFER MADE.

TIM: Do I look like a Fisher Price man?

RACHEL: (laughing) Yeah.

TIM: Do I? What? Don’t say yeah …

SCENE 6. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

A MAN IS SITTING AT TIM’S DESK.

DAWN CATCHES TIM AS HE PASSES RECEPTION.

TIM: Hello.

DAWN: Your favourite computer geek is here.

TIM: Jesus.

TIM APPROACHES HIS DESK. SIMON, THE COMPUTER GEEK, IS TAPPING AWAY ON TIM’S KEYBOARD.

TIM: Alright Simon. How’s it going?

TIM DOES A SILENT KARATE CHOP BEHIND SIMON’S BACK.

TIM: What are you doing with my computer?

SIMON: (smug, pedantic) Hmm. It’s not your computer is it? It’s Wernham Hogg’s.

TIM: Right. What are you doing with Wernham Hogg’s computer?

SIMON: You don’t need to know.

TIM: No, I don’t need to know, but could you tell me anyway?

SIMON: I’m installing a firewall.

TIM: Okay. What’s that?

SIMON: It protects your computer against script kiddies, data collectors, viruses, worms and Trojan horses and it limits your outbound Internet communications. Any more questions?

TIM: Yes. How long will it take?

SIMON: Why? Do you want to do it yourself?

TIM: No. I can’t do it myself. How long will it take you, out of interest?

SIMON: It’ll take as long as it takes.

TIM: Right, um… How long did it take last time you did this –?

SIMON: (interrupting) It’s done.

TIM: Right, thank you.

SIMON: Now, I’m gonna switch it off. When it comes back on, it’ll ask you to hit yes, no or cancel. Hit cancel. Do not hit yes or no.

TIM: Right.

SIMON: Did you hear what I said?

TIM: Yep.

SIMON: What did I say?

TIM: Hit cancel.

SIMON: Good.

TIM: Thanks.

SCENE 7. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT IS STILL TALKING TO THE CAMERA.

BRENT: I’m an educator, I’m a motivator of people, I excite their imaginations, it’s like bloody ‘Dead Poets Society’ sometimes out there. You know, at the end when they all stand on the tables? I wouldn’t want them to stand on the tables, literally – it’s against health and safety for one thing – but my point is this: life is about communication. We live for three score year and ten and it’s – (HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH HIMSELF) “Did I communicate?” “Yes, you did.” “Did I get something across?” “Yes, you did.” “Are you gonna pay me for it?” “Yes, lots.” “Thanks very much, not why I do it, but thank you.”

SCENE 8. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

SIMON IS WORKING ON GARETH’S COMPUTER. GARETH IS SITTING NEXT TO HIM, WATCHING HIM TAP AWAY. TIM IS AT HIS DESK, FORCED TO LISTEN TO THEIR INANE CHATTER.

GARETH: Going go-karting again at the weekend with the lads.

SIMON: Oh yeah, what, down SuperKarts?

GARETH: Yeah.

SIMON: You any good?

GARETH: Came first last time I went. Eight minutes, fifty-one. Got a certificate.

HE POINTS TO A CERTIFICATE STUCK UP NEAR HIS DESK.

SIMON: Yeah, well, I went down there the first day it opened, right? I did a couple of laps; I pulled over; the bloke that runs the thing came over and said, “Oi. No professionals.” I took my helmet off. I said, “I’m not a professional”. He said, “You’re not a professional?” I said, “No.” He said, “Well, you should be. If I was you I’d take up Formula One, and if you drive like that you’ll probably be the best in the country.” I said, “I’m not interested, I’m making shitloads out of computers.”

GARETH: Have you ever had a go at speedway?

SIMON: Have you?

GARETH: Yeah.

SIMON: Right, well, I was doing it once, and erm, I was bombing it round and some idiot had left, like, a ramp thing out –

TIM: Litter bugs.

SIMON: I could see the people were going, “Oh my God, if that guy hits that ramp going at that speed, he’s definitely dead.” I hit the ramp, I took off in the air, I turned over in the air, and they were going, “Well, he’s definitely dead now.” I landed on my wheels, pulled over and said, “What were you worried about?”

TIM REACTS.

SCENE 9. INT. RECEPTION. DAY.

NEIL IS TALKING TO DAWN. BRENT WANDERS PAST.

BRENT: What’s this then, a mother’s meeting?

NEIL: David, Dawn tells me you’re shutting down reception at five.

BRENT: Well, just half an hour early today.

NEIL: Do you think it can run okay without her?

BRENT: Yeah, phones’ll go straight … They can answer their own phones. They can do their own post tonight, just once.

NEIL: Well, that’s good, so we can probably lose her altogether then, can we?

BRENT: What do you mean?

NEIL: Well, if you don’t need a receptionist, we may as well let her go. Either she’s needed or she’s not.

BRENT: We do need a receptionist.

NEIL: Well, my point is, David, you haven’t put a system in place, you know. For your own needs you’ve told Dawn to shut down reception at five, you haven’t told these people they can pick up the phone if it rings. I mean, does Dawn know that they can do their own post?

BRENT: (to DAWN) Dawn, they can do their own post tonight.

DAWN: Okay.

NEIL: It’s no use telling her now.

BRENT: Well …

NEIL: It’s just there’s no system in place … You’re not thinking things through. (FRUSTRATED) I’m tired of this fuzzy thinking, David.

BRENT: Alright, chill out, don’t have a cow, mate.

NEIL: Don’t talk to me like you’ve forgotten who’s in charge here. Let me remind you, I’m your boss, okay?

BRENT: Yes.

NEIL: Just try and think things through.

NEIL WALKS OFF.

BRENT LOOKS AT THE CAMERA, THEN AT DAWN.

BRENT: (to DAWN) That was your fault again. I took the rap for you, didn’t I? You …

HE WALKS OFF, ANNOYED.

SCENE 10. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

SIMON AND GARETH ARE IN DISCUSSION. TIM IS LISTENING AND REACTING.

SIMON: Once, right, when Bruce Lee was filming, one of the extras just came over and just started a fight …

GARETH: Oh yeah, I know this, he was amazing at Kung Fu, but Bruce Lee just did a round-house on him …

SIMON: Well, no: he smashed him through a wall. And instead of firing him he just said, “Go back to where you were, let’s get on with the film.”

TIM: Man, those cats were as fast as lightning.

GARETH: You know when he was fighting Chuck Norris in ‘Enter the Dragon’?

SIMON: No.

GARETH: You not seen that?

SIMON: No.

GARETH: Have you not … I can’t … That is a classic.

SIMON: No, I’ve not seen him fight Chuck Norris in ‘Enter the Dragon’, I’ve seen him fight Chuck Norris in ‘Way of the Dragon’.

GARETH: Oh, that’s what I meant, that’s what I meant.

SIMON: Oh, is it?

GARETH: Yeah.

SIMON: Why did you say you’d seen him fight Chuck Norris in ‘Enter the Dragon’? He fights Bob Wall in both, but Norris is only in ‘Way of the Dragon’.

GARETH: Yeah, I know, so when he was fighting Chuck Norris –

SIMON: In what?

GARETH: In ‘Way of the Dragon’ –

SIMON: Correct. At last.

HE THROWS A LOOK AT THE CAMERA, AS IF TO SAY “SEE HOW I JUST CAUGHT THIS GUY OUT?”

SIMON: You know Bruce Lee’s not really dead, don’t you? Yeah, it’s in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, infiltrating drugs gangs and the Triads.

RACHEL WANDERS OVER AND SITS ON TIM’S DESK.

GARETH: Yeah, I reckon that’s true.

TIM: Yeah, I reckon that’s true, ‘cos if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads you’d probably want the world’s most famous Chinese film star.

RACHEL LAUGHS AT TIM’S COMMENTS. SIMON IS ANNOYED.

SIMON: (to TIM, nasty) Oh. Gone off Dawn now, have you?

RACHEL: What?

TIM: What are you talking about? Just shut up, shut up.

SCENE 11. INT. RECEPTION. DAY.

OFFICE SCENES.

LEE and DAWN are chatting. TIM walks past.

LEE: Oi Tim, you shagged her yet or what?

TIM: What?

LEE: Your bird? What’s her name?

DAWN: Rachel.

LEE: Yeah, Rachel. Have you done her yet or what?

DAWN: Of course he hasn’t.

SHE WAITS FOR CONFIRMATION OF THIS FROM TIM.

TIM: I don’t kiss and tell, Lee.

LEE: I bet you bloody have, haven’t you?

DAWN IS WAITING FOR THE ANSWER, BUT TRYING TO LOOK UNINTERESTED. THE ANSWER SHE’S WAITING FOR DOESN’T COME.

TIM: Lips are sealed. Don’t ask me.

TIM jokes this off and walks away. LEE watches RACHEL chatting to an employee.

LEE: No, he’s done well there.

DAWN: What do you mean, done well?

LEE: She’s tasty. She’s nice.

DAWN: But you don’t even know her.

LEE: No, I mean she’s very attractive.

DAWN: She’s not very attractive.

SCENE 12. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

GARETH is helping BRENT rehearse his speech.

BRENT: I think Ray’ll introduce me and I’ll come out, and I’ll do a bit of, you know, a few gags and then I’ll go – (READING FROM NOTES) “Right, you have to be thick-skinned in business. It doesn’t matter if you’re the tea boy or the general manager, people will try and rock your confidence and shake your spirit. Do not listen to them, yeah? Let’s try a little exercise.” Then I’ll just go into the audience and I’ll pick on someone at random, I’ll just go, er… (POINTING TO GARETH) You sir. What’s your name?

GARETH STARES AT HIM.

BRENT: Say your name.

GARETH: Leroy.

BRENT: Where’s Leroy come from?

GARETH: The coloured fella off of ‘Fame’.

BRENT: Well, use your own name.

GARETH: Oh, Gareth.

BRENT: Hi Gareth. Gareth – insult me, yeah? Let me show you that sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me … Just throw some insults at me and I’ll show you how to roll with the punches.

GARETH: Um … The Swindon lot don’t seem to respect you.

BRENT: (annoyed) Why would they say that, they don’t know me, they’re not going to know that … and it’s not true. Do something else.

GARETH: Um. (THINKS) A lot of people are laughing at the heels on your shoes.

BRENT: (angry) I’m not gonna be wearing the shoes, am I?

GARETH: Are you going to be wearing the earring?

BRENT: What, they’re having a go at that as well, are they?

GARETH: Some people are.

BRENT: What else?

GARETH: Um, they’ve given you a nickname.

BRENT: What, the Swindon lot?

GARETH: Yeah, but everyone’s using it.

BRENT: What is it?

GARETH: Well, I don’t really …

BRENT: No, come on, what is it?

GARETH: Bluto.

BRENT: The villain from ‘Popeye’?

GARETH: Yeah.

BRENT: What, is it because of the beard?

GARETH: No, it’s ‘cos he’s –

HE PUFFS OUT HIS FACE AND CHEST TO SIGNIFY ‘A FAT BLOKE’.

BRENT: What’s that? That’s … I can’t believe this.

BRENT WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR.

GARETH: Don’t go out. They’ll know it was me that told you. (WHINEY) David.

BRENT IGNORES HIS PLEA AND GOES OUT ANYWAY.

SCENE 13. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT: (addressing the room) Hello, sorry everybody. Um, look, we are one big happy family here, yeah? Now, I’ve been trying to welcome you new guys, you know, I didn’t want you here, but you’re here now, so, you know, well done, welcome. But if there’s one thing I don’t like it’s nicknames, yeah? Because nicknames are … bad … names, yeah? They’re not helpful, yeah? They can be very hurtful to … Not to me — it’s like water off a duck’s back — but, you know, to —

EMPLOYEE: You used to call Malcolm Kojak.

BRENT: That was affectionate. He was a great detective, and a fine actor.

EMPLOYEE: Well, maybe Mr Toad’s affectionate.

BRENT: Who’s Mr Toad?

GARETH: Some people call you that as well.

BRENT: I thought I was Bluto?

GARETH: Yeah, Bluto and Mr Toad.

BRENT: (to EMPLOYEE) Why am I Mr Toad?

THE EMPLOYEE PUFFS OUT HIS FACE AND CHEST EXACTLY AS GARETH DID.

BRENT: (taken aback) There’s the face again. What? It’s an insult, isn’t it? Very … Body fascism, that’s what that is. The toad is the ugliest of all the amphibians. I can’t … If we’re handing out insults for being fat, let’s have a go at him.

HE POINTS AT BIG KEITH.

BRENT: Look at him. And he’s got glasses: four eyes as well. Why don’t we call him Fatty Fatty Toad Boy? If we’re … At least start on him and then move on. Mr Toad! I can’t …

HE WALKS BACK INTO HIS OFFICE, STILL STUNNED.

SCENE 14. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

NEIL IS CHATTING WITH SOME OF THE SWINDON STAFF.

NEIL: Everything adding up alright?

OLIVER: Yeah, just about. It was a real mess beforehand.

NEIL: Was it? But you’re on top of it now?

OLIVER: Yeah, it’s alright.

NEIL: What about you, Brenda, how are things?

BRENDA: Yeah, alright, but I didn’t get my wages through again.

NEIL: Did you not? Really?

BRENDA: Uhuh.

NEIL: Did you tell David?

BRENDA: Yeah, I told him in time.

NEIL: Oh, I’m really sorry about that. Let me… It’s sorted. Let me sort that out for you now.

BRENDA: I don’t want to cause any –

NEIL: No, don’t worry, it’s fine.

WE FOLLOW NEIL AS HE WALKS TOWARDS BRENT’S OFFICE. HE OPENS THE DOOR TO FIND GARETH KNEELING ON THE FLOOR, HOLDING BRENT’S LEGS, AS BRENT DOES SOME STOMACH CRUNCHES.

BRENT REACTS, EMBARRASSED, OUT OF BREATH.

THEY BOTH GET UP.

NEIL: Working hard?

BRENT: Working out. Fit body, fit mind.

NEIL: Good. A couple of things –

GARETH IS DOING HIS COOLING-DOWN EXERCISES. NEIL STARES AT HIM IMPATIENTLY, SO GARETH DECIDES NOW IS PERHAPS NOT THE TIME.

NEIL: A couple of things, David – did your wages go through okay this month?

BRENT: Yeah.

NEIL: Yours, Gareth?

GARETH: Yep. Fine.

NEIL: Good, so you two are okay. Phew. Why then has one of your team come to me saying they haven’t been paid this month?

BRENT GROANS, GRINNING, CLEARLY STALLING, SEARCHING FOR AN ANSWER.

BRENT: Oh. No.

NEIL WAITS TO HEAR THE EXCUSE.

BRENT TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

BRENT: He fears my methods because he doesn’t understand my methods, you know. Human nature, the unknown, sure, but relax, you know? I don’t want all this (AS NEIL) “Oh, er, what you doing, what you doing? How are you doing it?” (AS HIMSELF) “No. Judge me by my results.”

SCENE 15. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

NEIL AND BRENT ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INCREASINGLY HEATED DEBATE. GARETH LOOKS ON.

NEIL: This is not the first time you’ve forgotten something important. It’s not the first time this week, and it worries me when someone feels they have to go over your head and come to me.

BRENT: Snitches.

NEIL: Do you know I’ve never seen you write anything down. You’ve got two computers, I don’t even know what you use them for. You’ve got to have some sort of system.

BRENT: (tapping his head) It’s all up there.

NEIL: Yeah, but it’s not all up there, is it?

BRENT: Most of it is.

NEIL: Look David, I’ll tell you now: when I was managing the Swindon branch, our perception of your branch was: “They’re having a laugh.”

BRENT: Thanks very much.

NEIL: No, no, not in a good way. Having a laugh, mucking around at the expense of Wernham Hogg.

BRENT: Well, who’s to say if they weren’t mucking around, having a laugh all the time, it wouldn’t be much worse?

NEIL: I’m not interested in that, David. Look, I get the impression that you’d rather be popular than steer the ship in the right direction.

BRENT: Well, rubbish. And I resent the accusation, because this branch has performed very well, so –

NEIL: Well, it’s performed okay. I want it to perform a lot better.

BRENT: There you go. What is better? Because I could show you a graph of people versus task and where does the line go –

NEIL: The line goes where I want it to go. Now, if you can’t improve your margin and your volume sales, with or without making people laugh, if you can’t do that, you and I are going to have to have a very serious chat.

BRENT: Is this why you’re around all the time? Keeping tabs on me? Because I don’t need a babysitter.

NEIL: Well, with respect David, I think you do. You know, I’m aware of this management training thing you’re doing tonight and I’m worried it’s going to affect your performance at work.

BRENT: That’s extra-curricular, you know, some people play golf.

NEIL: Well, I play golf.

BRENT: There you go, so …

NEIL: Yes, but I’m performing as I want me to perform. You’re not performing as I want you to perform.

BRENT: I’m performing as I want me to perform.

NEIL: I don’t want you to perform like that.

BRENT: It’s a good performance. Let’s agree to disagree.

NEIL: No, let’s agree that you agree with me.

BRENT: Ooh, you’re hard. Showing off ‘cos …

BRENT POINTS AT THE CAMERA, LOOKING FOR SUPPORT.

NEIL: Well, I think I’ve made my point, David. Okay, I’ll see you later.

NEIL LEAVES.

BRENT AND GARETH SIT IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT. GARETH, UNSOLICITED, DECIDES IT WOULD BE A GOOD MOMENT TO START MASSAGING BRENT’S NECK. BRENT IS LOST IN THOUGHT AND DOESN’T NOTICE STRAIGHT AWAY. SUDDENLY, HE REALISES WHAT GARETH IS DOING.

BRENT: What you doing?

GARETH: You looked a bit tense.

BRENT: I am. With him …

GARETH: (massaging BRENT’s neck) Doesn’t that feel nice?

BRENT: Yeah, but –

BRENT POINTS TO CAMERA, AS IF TO SAY, “WHAT ABOUT THEM?”

GARETH: Shall we do some more work on your abs?

BRENT: Not now.

GARETH STARTS DOING A LIGHT CHOPPING ACTION ON BRENT’S SHOULDERS. BRENT STARES BLANKLY AT THE CAMERA.

SCENE 16. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE/RECEPTION. DAY.

OFFICE SCENES.

DAWN HAS HER COAT ON AND IS GLANCING TOWARDS TIM, WHO IS WORKING. EVENTUALLY SHE WALKS OVER AND HOVERS BEHIND HIS DESK UNTIL HE NOTICES HER.

DAWN: (looking toward BRENT’s office) Is he ready yet?

TIM: Who?

DAWN: David.

TIM: Oh, right. I don’t know.

DAWN: So what you doing tonight?

TIM: I think we’re just gonna go out to the pub.

DAWN: “We” is –?

TIM: Me and Rachel.

DAWN: Excellent. Just a couple of pints?

TIM: Couple of pints.

DAWN: Well, think of me, stuck with… (SHE GESTURES TOWARDS BRENT’S OFFICE) Ooh, you should come, for a laugh.

TIM: I think we’d better stay out of it.

DAWN: Yep. Definitely. Wise. Alright babes.

TIM: Alright mate.

DAWN: I’ll see you.

TIM: Have a good night. See you later.

SHE TOUCHES HIM ON THE ARM AND MANAGES TO FIND A WAY TO HOLD HIS HAND FOR A MOMENT AS SHE MOVES AWAY. TIM NOTICES THIS AND CONSIDERS IT FOR A MOMENT, BUT HIS THOUGHTS ARE INTERRUPTED BY BRENT STRIDING INTO VIEW FROM HIS OFFICE. DAWN, IN FRONT OF HIM, IS MAKING A FACE OF SHEER DISBELIEF. BRENT IS CARRYING A HOLDALL AND HAS CHANGED CLOTHES. HE’S GONE FOR THE ‘LOVEJOY’ LOOK – WHITE T-SHIRT TUCKED INTO PALE BLUE WRANGLERS, BIG WHITE TRAINERS, AND HIS LEATHER JACKET – PLUS A BASEBALL CAP.

BRENT: (to TIM) See you later. Wish us luck on our date. It’s not a date is it? She’s got a boyfriend. And I’m paying her! What sort of date would that be? I think you know. And a hundred quid: what would I get for that? Not that I would, ‘cos you wouldn’t, I mean, but … Everything, I imagine … I’m not imagining any of it, but I do know what sort of … I’m just …

HE DECIDES TO GET OUT WHILE HE STILL CAN.

BRENT: Okay, then, there we go. I’m just … Carry that, that’s what you’re being paid for.

BRENT THROWS THE HUGE HOLDALL ON THE FLOOR AND DAWN HEAVES IT OVER HER SHOULDERS.

SCENE 17. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE CORRIDOR. NIGHT.

BRENT IS ARRIVING WITH RAY AND JUDE. THEY STRIDE DOWN THE CORRIDOR WHILE RAY EXPLAINS THINGS, LEAVING THE DOOR TO SWING SHUT ON DAWN, STILL CARRYING THE ENORMOUS HOLDALL

SCENE 18. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE HALL. NIGHT.

PEOPLE ARE TAKING THEIR SEATS.

SCENE 19. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE BACKSTAGE AREA. NIGHT.

BRENT IS HOPPING AROUND, LIKE A BOXER BEFORE A FIGHT.

RAY: The other three guys, they’ve all done it before, so … I’ll introduce you when they get here.

BRENT: I love being backstage …

RAY: Can we just take a photo, it’s for the website and the newsletter, if that’s okay?

BRENT: No problem. You got to take a light reading?

RAY IS HOLDING A VERY BASIC DISPOSABLE CAMERA.

RAY: I think we’ll be okay. If you just …

BRENT: Yeah.

BRENT STRIKES A POSE THAT WOULD LOOK SUITABLE ONLY IF HE WERE A POP SINGER ON THE COVER OF SMASH HITS.

RAY: I mean just be yourself, you know. A bit more relaxed?

THE CAMERA IS OFF BRENT. WHEN IT PANS BACK, HE’S LYING FACE DOWN ON THE TABLE, PROPPING HIS HEAD UP WITH HIS HANDS, LIKE A 1950S MOVIE STARLET, ONE FOOT LOLLING COQUETTISHLY.

BRENT: Something like that?

RAY: Not quite.

BRENT: Okay.

HE RECLINES ON THE TABLE, KNEE BENT, LEANING ON HIS ELBOW.

RAY: Maybe if you just sit down.

BRENT: You’re the boss.

BRENT GRABS A CHAIR, AND SWINGS IT UNDER HIS LEGS SO THAT HE’S SITTING ON IT BACKWARDS. HE DOES A ‘VOGUE’-STYLE POSE.

RAY RELUCTANTLY TAKES A PICTURE. JUDE WATCHES IN DISBELIEF.

SCENE 20. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE CORRIDOR. NIGHT.

THE OTHER SPEAKERS, DRESSED IN SUITS, ARE STANDING CHATTING. ONE OF THEM IS SMOKING. BRENT APPROACHES THEM.

BRENT: Alright? Are you guys talking at this gig as well?

SPEAKER #1: Yeah. Just having a sneaky joint.

BRENT LOOKS EDGY AT THE MENTION OF DRUGS, BUT TRIES TO PLAY IT COOL.

BRENT: Partially decriminalised now anyway, isn’t it? So – at last. Go for it!

(ACTING STREETWISE) What is it, skunk?

SPEAKER #1: No, it’s just weed. Do you want a little taste?

BRENT: No.

SPEAKER #1: Are you sure?

BRENT: Yeah. No. I’m on a diet and when I get wasted I go to munchies-city so … you know.

THE OTHER SPEAKERS SMIRK.

BRENT: I’m mad enough without the gear as well so er, I’ll take a raincheck – I’ll catch you later, yeah?

SPEAKER #1: Yeah.

BRENT: Chill.

HE SKULKS OFF, TRYING TO LOOK HIP.

SCENE 21. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE HALL. NIGHT.

RAY IS ADDRESSING THE AUDIENCE.

RAY: Well, we’ve got four speakers for you tonight so no messing about. To begin with, from Sound Investments, Mr Mark Found.

SPEAKER #1: Let me dispel a myth: just because you’re a success in your life, some people will tell you that you shouldn’t be able to sleep at night. You should. Why? Because this is a business.

FADE OUT.

SCENE 22. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE HALL. NIGHT.

THE SECOND SPEAKER IS COMING TO THE END OF HIS SPEECH.

SPEAKER #2: Your future hasn’t happened yet. You shape it. You’re in the driving seat. Thanks.

RAY: Thanks to Richard Clark there from Stockport Graphics. Now with some words of advice on motivational techniques, from Wernham Hogg, Mr David Brent.

BRENT GETS UP AND SAUNTERS TO THE FRONT. HE RIPS OFF HIS BASEBALL CAP AND, WITHOUT LOOKING, FLINGS IT TOWARDS DAWN. IT SMACKS HER IN THE FACE.

HE PROWLS AROUND THE STAGE, STARING AT THE AUDIENCE, THEN THROWS OPEN THE EXIT DOOR.

BRENT: (dramatic) Get out!

PEOPLE STARE AT HIM IN SILENCE.

BRENT: Go on! I’ve opened the door for you, yeah? If you don’t want to make it, go now. Yeah? Save us all a bit of time, yeah, if you don’t think you can cut it. No? Good.

HE GOES TO CLOSE THE DOOR. A CLEANER APPEARS JUST AS HE’S ABOUT TO CLOSE IT.

CLEANER: (ruining the moment) Have you finished in here?

BRENT: No. I’m in a…

HE RETURNS TO HIS AUDIENCE, PUT OFF MOMENTARILY.

BRENT: Okay… You’re all looking at me, and you’re going, “Well, yeah, you’re a success, you’ve achieved your goals, you’re reaping the rewards. Sure, but, oi Brent! Is all you care about chasing the Yankee dollar?” Let me show you something I always keep with me.

BRENT GETS OUT A LITTLE POCKET-SIZED BOOK.

BRENT: Just a little book. (READING THE COVER) ‘Collected Meditations’. It’s a collection of philosophers, writers, thinkers, Native American wisdom, which I… And it’s really showing you that the spiritual side needs as much care and attention as the physical side. It’s about feeding the soul, yeah? Evolving spirituality – foreword by Duncan Goodhew, so… Can I read one which I think – (READING) “If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place most would be glad to take each his own home again rather than take a portion out of the common stock.”

(TO AUDIENCE) It’s saying for the first time, you know, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Don’t look over your neighbor’s fence and go, “Ooh, he’s got a better car than me, ooh, he’s got a more attractive wife.” We all wake up and we go, “Oh, I ache, I’m not eighteen anymore, you know, I’m thirty-n… I’m… I’m in my thirties.” But so what? “At least I’ve got my health.” And if you haven’t got your health, if you’ve got one leg, “At least I haven’t got two legs missing.” And if you have lost both legs and both arms, just go, “At least I’m not dead”. I’d rather be dead in that situation, to be honest. I’m not saying people like that should be, you know, put down.

HE SUBCONSCIOUSLY MIMES SOMEONE BEING ‘PUT DOWN’ BY LETHAL INJECTION. THE AUDIENCE STARES AT HIM, STONY-FACED.

BRENT: I’m saying that in my life I’d rather not live without arms and legs, because… I’m just getting into yoga, for one thing, so, in my opinion…

FADE OUT ON RAY AND JUDE LOOKING UTTERLY BEWILDERED.

SCENE 23. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE HALL. NIGHT.

BRENT IS STILL CENTRESTAGE.

BRENT: Are you familiar with the term “laughter is the best medicine”? Well, it’s true. When you laugh, your brain releases endorphins, yeah? Your stress hormones are reduced, and the oxygen supply to your blood is increased, so you feel … I try and laugh several times a day. Just because it makes you feel good, so let’s try that. (HE LAUGHS) Hey, just … Come on, trust me, you’ll feel …

HE THROWS BACK HIS HEAD AND LAUGHS SOME MORE. NO-ONE JOINS IN. HE BEGINS WITH A FEW TITTERS, AND WORKS HIS WAY VIA SOME CHUCKLES TO SOME MIGHTY GUFFAWS. DAWN CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT SHE’S SEEING. HER TALKING HEAD BEGINS OVER THIS.

DAWN TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

DAWN: I’d be lying if I said my life had turned out exactly as I’d expected. My old school just recently had a school reunion, which I didn’t go to, but one girl in my class it turns out, right, that she is now running her own Internet auction website, making a fortune, and is happily married to a marine biologist. (PAUSE) She used to eat chalk!

SCENE 24. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE HALL. NIGHT.

BRENT IS WINDING UP.

BRENT: Okay, well that’s about it from yours truly. Thanks for taking all I had to throw at you. I’m spent, but I am now going to make like a banana, and split!

NO-ONE LAUGHS. HE POINTS AT AN AUDIENCE MEMBER.

BRENT: He got it. Okay, before I go though, promise me you’ll remember one thing. Yeah? Just remember –

HE PUTS ON A TAPE. TINA TURNER’S ‘THE BEST’ BURSTS ON AND BRENT LEAPS UP ONTO THE STAGE, JIGGING AROUND AND SINGING. IT IS HIDEOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE.

BRENT: Yes!

TINA TURNER CONTINUES AT FULL VOLUME.

BRENT: Come on, listen to her, listen to her!

THE AUDIENCE LOOKS NONPLUSSED. BRENT IS SINGING ALONG ENTHUSIASTICALLY.

BRENT: Come on, get into it!

BRENT IS STILL CLAPPING AND JUMPING AROUND.

BRENT: I’ve been David Brent, you’ve been “The Best”. See you later.

HE RUNS OUT OF THE DOOR AT THE SIDE OF THE STAGE. TINA CONTINUES BELTING OUT ‘THE BEST’. NO ONE QUITE KNOWS WHAT THEY’VE JUST SEEN. JUDE EVENTUALLY GETS UP AND SWITCHES OFF THE DEAFENING SOUND.

JUDE: Um, yes, our thanks to David –

BRENT POPS HIS HEAD BACK ROUND THE OPEN DOOR.

BRENT: (annoyed) Who stopped it?

JUDE: I did.

BRENT: No, don’t stop it. Leave it going right to the end, ’til I get … Don’t do that again next time, okay?

JUDE: Sorry.

BRENT OFFERS A FINAL TRIUMPHANT SALUTE TO HIS AUDIENCE AND SKIPS OFF AGAIN.

JUDE: David Brent from Wernham Hogg.

SCENE 25. INT. COMMUNITY CENTRE BACKSTAGE. NIGHT.

BRENT IS HOPPING AROUND EXCITEDLY, ADRENALIN PUMPING. DAWN IS TRYING TO BE VAGUELY SUPPORTIVE.

BRENT: I’ll let you into a little secret now, right? Before I went out there I was worried whether I still had it. I’ll let you be the judge of that. High five! Don’t leave me hanging, Dawn.

SHE GIVES HIM FIVE.

BRENT: Oh God. Oh Jesus. Oh, here he is …

RAY COMES IN.

BRENT TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT AND THROWS HIS DIRTY T-SHIRT AT DAWN. SHE PUTS IT DOWN HURRIEDLY.

BRENT: (to RAY) Tina a bit too much for you?

RAY: Possibly.

BRENT: Oh, that’s your job. Hold me back, ’cause when I’m out there – I am … Whooooooooeee! – And it’s like – (HE MAKES APPROPRIATE SWEEPING HAND GESTURES) – So, that’s up to you I’m afraid. Oh gee.

HE PULLS A DEODORANT OUT OF HIS BAG AND SPRAYS IT WILDLY OVER HIMSELF AND DAWN.

BRENT: Tell you what though, they seemed to go for it, didn’t they?

RAY IS NON-COMMITTAL. JUDE COMES IN.

JUDE: Knock knock.

WITH HIS SHIRT OFF, BRENT PULLS IN HIS STOMACH.

BRENT: Hiya. You alright?

JUDE: Yeah … Well done …

BRENT: What d’you think?

JUDE: Well, my tastes are quite traditional.

BRENT: Bit too rock ‘n’ roll for you?

JUDE: Possibly.

BRENT: Each his own. Each his own. Better warn you now. That was me on a seven. So wait till you see me on a nine or ten. (TO DAWN) Innit?

RAY HANDS HIM A CHEQUE.

RAY: There’s your cheque.

BRENT: Thanking you. Well, there you go. (GIGGLING EXCITEDLY) More importantly though, what pub are we going to? More important than that – three hundred quid! I don’t think so. Where we going?

BRENT IS HOPPING AROUND, PUNCHING THE AIR AGAIN.

RAY: We can’t, we’re just gonna grab some food, go home.

BRENT: Pizza, yeah? Never mind Pizza Express, what about “beer express” first? “Next stop, drunkenness.” It doesn’t have to be. Go anywhere you want. Chinese, Indian, as long as it’s, you know … It’s on me. Here we go, the three musketeers.

THEY EXIT AND WE HEAR THEIR VOICES FROM THE CORRIDOR. DAWN IS LEFT BEHIND TO CLEAR UP ALL BRENT’S BAGS AND PROPS.

JUDE: Oh, I just remembered, I can’t …

RAY: (not wanting to be left with BRENT) What d’you mean?

JUDE: I just … remembered something I’ve got to do.

BRENT: Uh oh. Just us two, then. Oh, no! What sort of clubs are round here?

RAY: I’m not going to a club.

BRENT: You bloody are.

CLOSING MUSIC AND END CREDITS, THEN:

DAWN FINALLY LEAVES, BURDENED WITH BRENT’S BAGS.