Party

SCENE 1. INT. RECEPTION. DAY.

NEIL IS TALKING JOKINGLY WITH DAWN AT THE RECEPTION DESK. HE IS WEARING HIS CUSTOMARY TAN LEATHER JACKET.

BRENT ARRIVES. HE IS WEARING A TAN LEATHER JACKET LIKE NEIL’S. IT’S LESS FASHIONABLE OR WELL-CUT, BUT OTHERWISE REMARKABLY SIMILAR.

BRENT: Hiya.

NEIL: Hiya. Nice jacket.

BRENT: Whatever.

NEIL: It’s a bit like mine.

BRENT: What make’s yours?

NEIL: Armani.

BRENT: Expensive.

NEIL: And yours?

BRENT: (smug) Sergio Georgini.

NEIL: (looking down) New shoes as well. Quite a heel on them.

BRENT: (trying to be cool) We still on for ten?

NEIL: Yep.

BRENT HEADS FOR HIS OFFICE, NONCHALANTLY. DAWN GLANCES AT HIS SHOES AS HE WALKS AWAY AND STIFLES A LAUGH.

BRENT TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

BRENT: People see me and they see the suit and they go, “You’re not fooling anyone.” They know I’m rock ‘n’ roll through and through, but you know that old thing: “Live fast die young”? Not my way. Live fast? Sure – live too bloody fast sometimes – but die young?

HE SHAKES HIS HEAD.

BRENT: Die old …

HE LETS THIS HANG IN THE AIR LIKE IT’S THE MOST PROFOUND IDEA EVER.

BRENT: That’s the way I … Not orthodox, you know. I don’t live by “the rules”. And if there’s one other person who’s influenced me in that way, I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that –

(GIVES THE FINGER) – to the system, then it’s Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say –

(MIMES WANKING) “That’s what I think of your selection policy, yeah? Yes, I’ve hit the odd copper. Yes, I’ve enjoyed the odd doobie –

(MIMES SMOKING) – but will you piss off and leave me alone? I’m walking to John O’Groats for some spastics.”

SCENE 2. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

NEIL: Have you been re-organising stuff out there?

BRENT: Er, just been –

NEIL: Just looks a bit chaotic that’s all.

BRENT: assimilating, re-assimilating and you know –

NEIL: Re-assimilating what?

BRENT: Just taking on people and putting them into – Just categorising. Not in any sort of, like – “label me” – but just er, you know, that’s your vibe, that’s your vibe …

HE INTERWEAVES HIS FINGERS IN A SMUG WAY.

NEIL: Uh-huh.

BRENT: You know.

SCENE 3. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

THERE IS MUCH LAUGHTER AND CHATTER. TRUDY IS UNWRAPPING A BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

TRUDY: What’s in here then? Let’s have a look. Oh my God, a leather basque! Fantastic.

GARETH: (subtle) Try it on –

TRUDY: I’ve always wanted one of these actually, a leather basque. Cheers guys.

SHE HOLDS UP THE BASQUE AGAINST HERSELF AND THEN TRIES IT ON OVER HER TOP.

GARETH: (earnest) You should try it on, try it on properly in case you have to take it back – you should try it on without that stuff on underneath.

TRUDY: (ignoring GARETH) It fits!

RACHEL HANDS TRUDY ANOTHER GIFT. TRUDY OPENS IT. IT IS A HUGE, OVERSIZED PINK DILDO. EVERYONE LAUGHS.

TRUDY: Oh my God, it’s disgusting. You dirty …

THERE IS SOME GENERAL BAUDY BANTER. TIM TAKES THE DILDO AND WAVES IT AT GARETH.

TIM: Can I just, sorry … Look at the face, look at the face, Gareth, look at the face!

GARETH: Eugh, I can’t believe you’re even touching that!

TIM: Why?

GARETH: It’s disgusting.

TIM: It’s not disgusting.

TIM WIGGLES IT IN GARETH’S FACE.

GARETH: You don’t know where that’s been, mate.

TIM: Well, I do know where it’s … It’s been in a box, Gareth.

GARETH: No, I mean at the factory, you don’t know what goes on at the factory …

TIM: The factory, your amazing mind again.

GARETH: No, in my experience women who work in factories are slappers, so …

EVERYONE REACTS.

TRUDY: (laughing) Thank you everybody for my lovely presents.

SCENE 4. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT AND NEIL ARE STILL TALKING.

BRENT: They’re malleable and you know, that’s what I like really. I don’t like people coming here with that “Oh, we did it this way, we did it that way.” I just want to go, “Do it this way – if you like. If you don’t …” Team play. I call it “team individuality”. It’s playing. I call it “team management style. Again … It’s like a unorthodox – sue me.

NEIL: It certainly is, yeah. How does that work?

BRENT: But you know, nothing ever changes by staying the same. Quite literally.

SCENE 5. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE/BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

TIM IS WORKING. HE HAS THE DILDO STANDING UPRIGHT ON HIS DESK. GARETH IS ALSO WORKING. RACHEL WALKS UP TO TIM, LOOKING BORED. SHE PICKS UP THE DILDO.

TIM: Hello.

GARETH: Alright.

RACHEL: You like that, don’t you?

TIM: What?

RACHEL: Is that because it looks like yours?

TIM: Yeah. It’s identical. Well, mine’s not that size, it’s very, very tiny, but it is made of plastic.

GARETH: (trying to flirt) Mine’s massive and it ain’t made of plastic.

HE CHUCKLES AT HIS OWN STUNNINGLY WITTY COMMENT.

RACHEL: (to TIM) I dare you to go and put it in Brent’s office.

TIM: Why?

RACHEL: It’s a dare.

TIM: Yeah, I know, but he’s having a meeting with Neil, I can’t …

RACHEL: Well, that’s kind of the challenge, mate.

TIM: Well, why would I do that?

RACHEL: ’Cos it’ll make me laugh.

GARETH: I’ll do it.

TIM: No, I’ll do it. It’s alright.

RACHEL: Look, all you’ve got to do is just go in there and hide it in there somewhere, that’s all.

TIM: Just hide it?

RACHEL: Yeah.

TIM: Simple. It couldn’t be easier. Straightforward.

TIM PICKS UP THE DILDO AND MAKES HIS WAY TOWARDS BRENT’S OFFICE. BRENT AND NEIL ARE INSIDE HAVING A MEETING. TIM KNOCKS AND GOES IN WITH THE DILDO BEHIND HIS BACK.

BRENT: Come in.

TIM: Sorry to interrupt. I just wondered if … That’s embarrassing, I’ve completely forgotten what I came in for … Oh, I’m sorry …

HE ‘ABSENT-MINDEDLY’ PICKS UP A FOLDER AND HIDES THE DILDO BEHIND IT.

BRENT: That’s alright.

TIM: Um, it’s gone. Come on, come on Tim, get it back, no …

BRENT: Too many late nights.

TIM: Oh no, sorry, it’s totally gone.

BRENT: Don’t worry about it.

TIM: I’m holding your folder.

TIM PUTS THE FOLDER BACK ON BRENT’S DESK, WITH THE DILDO HIDDEN UNDERNEATH.

TIM: Sorry. I’m just … No, it’s gone. BSE.

BRENT: Don’t worry. Come back.

TIM: No more beef.

NEIL: As you’re here, there’s something you can do for me. My lot haven’t even been down to the warehouse yet.

TIM: Okay.

NEIL: It would be … Would you mind taking them down, just familiarise them?

BRENT: (annoyed) There’s not a lot of point, there’s not a lot to see.

NEIL: You know, we’re one organisation. I think it’d be quite a good idea for everyone to know everyone else. (TO TIM) If you just tell Glyn I said it was okay.

TIM: Brilliant.

BRENT: (to TIM) Well, tell Taffy that I said it was okay, and that Neil agrees with me – the Brentosaurus Rex.

TIM: Okay.

NEIL: Thanks.

HE WALKS BACK OUT, LAUGHING. RACHEL IS IMPRESSED; GARETH, OF COURSE, IS NOT.

TIM: Sorry, that was brilliant.

RACHEL: That was, absolutely –

TIM: Did you see where it went, it went under the folder.

THEY SLAP HANDS, CONGRATULATING EACH OTHER. WE SEE DAWN, WATCHING FROM RECEPTION, AS RACHEL AND TIM BUMP THEIR HIPS TOGETHER.

TIM: Gareth, out of ten?

GARETH: I give it a three.

TIM: Three?

RACHEL: Three.

SCENE 6. INT. SMOKERS’ ROOM. DAY.

OLIVER AND ANOTHER SWINDON EMPLOYEE ARE PLAYING DARTS.

BRENT SUDDENLY LEANS INTO SHOT.

BRENT: (to camera) “You can’t beat a bit of bully!” Bullseye. Here they are. Likely lads.

EMPLOYEE: New shoes.

BRENT: (shrugging) Fashion.

EMPLOYEE: Do you want a go?

BRENT: (acting casual) Yeah. Up to the oche, let Tony look after you. Oh dear, nothing in this game for two in a bed.

HE TAKES A DART, AIMS AND THROWS IT.

IT DISAPPEARS OFF-SCREEN BUT WE HEAR IT BANG AGAINST THE BOARD AND CLATTER LOUDLY TO THE GROUND.

BRENT: Shit flights on those, aren’t they? No wonder. Bit fuddy-duddy, darts, isn’t it, for a couple of young lads your age?

EMPLOYEE: I’m not young, I’m twenty-nine.

BRENT: Ooh, over the hill. How old would you say I was, if you didn’t know me?

EMPLOYEE: Um … forty?

BRENT: No, how old do you think I look?

EMPLOYEE: Thirty-nine?

BRENT: (scoffing, annoyed) Most people think I look about thirty.

EMPLOYEE: Definitely not.

BRENT: Oh, are you calling them liars? (TO OLIVER) What do you think?

OLIVER: Well, between 30 and 40?

BRENT: (nodding) Yes. More honest.

HIS POINT MADE, BRENT LEAVES.

SCENE 6. EXT. WAREHOUSE OUTER DOOR. DAY.

TIM IS LEADING THE SWINDON GANG INTO THE WAREHOUSE. HE STOPS OUTSIDE THE MAIN DOOR.

TIM: Okay, now guys we’re about to enter a warehouse environment. Now, I must warn you that some of the people in here will be working class, so there may be arse cleavage. So, just find a partner, hold hands, don’t talk to anyone though, okay? Are you chewing? Right, okay. Let’s go.

THEY LAUGH AS HE LEADS THEM INSIDE.

SCENE 7. INT. WAREHOUSE. DAY.

THERE IS MUCH WAREHOUSE HUBBUB.

TIM LEADS THE GROUP FURTHER INSIDE. A FEW WORKMEN ARE HAVING A BREAK. DAWN IS ALSO THERE, HAVING A COFFEE WITH HER FIANCÉ LEE. THERE IS A VAGUELY THREATENING AIR IN THE WAREHOUSE, AS IF THE WHITE-COLLAR WORKERS AREN’T QUITE WELCOME IN THIS BLUE-COLLAR WORLD.

TIM: Here we are, here’s the hub of the operation, working hard as usual. Alright?

GLYN: The strippers have arrived.

TIM: (unbuttoning his shirt) Well, I tell you what Glyn, you can have five minutes, but no touching.

GLYN: I always knew you were bent.

LEE SQUEEZES ONE OF DAWN’S BREASTS.

LEE: Hey, don’t worry. She’ll get the old milkers out for a tenner.

HIS WORKMATES CACKLE WITH LAUGHTER. DAWN ROUNDS ON LEE, FURIOUS.

DAWN: Fuck off.

LEE: What?

SHE GETS UP AND WALKS OFF. LEE’S WORKMATES LAUGH. TIM LOOKS FRUSTRATED, KNOWING NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO SPRING TO DAWN’S DEFENCE.

GLYN: Oi, lend us a tenner.

WAREHOUSE MAN: (to LEE) You won’t be seeing them tonight.

LEE: That’s alright. I got cable …

HIS WORKMATES LAUGH.

TIM AND THE SWINDON PEOPLE JUST LOOK EMBARRASSED.

TIM: Okay, um, I’m going to show you this aisle first.

WAREHOUSE MAN: (shouting to TIM) Bender!

SCENE 9. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY

TRUDY IS CLEARLY ENJOYING HER BIRTHDAY AND IS NOT HARD AT WORK.

TRUDY: (on phone) No, get lost you cheeky bastard. Ha ha ha! … No! … Ha ha ha!

SCENE 10. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY

BRENT IS COMING BACK INTO THE OFFICE, STILL WEARING HIS NEW LEATHER JACKET. A MIDDLE-AGED MAN AND AN ATTRACTIVE THIRTY-SOMETHING WOMAN ARE SITTING WAITING FOR HIM.

DAWN POINTS THEM OUT.

DAWN: David, this is Ray and Jude.

BRENT: Who?

DAWN: Ray and Jude from – sorry, forgotten where you’re from.

RAY: (getting up) From Cooper and Webb Consultants.

BRENT: (jokey) Who’s Cooper and who’s Webb?

RAY: Neither of us.

BRENT: Bet you get that all the time, do you?

RAY: No.

RAY OPENS HIS FOLDER.

RAY: Anyway, er …

BRENT TURNS HIS BACK ON HIM.

BRENT: First things first. Any more mail?

DAWN HANDS HIM SOME POST.

BRENT: Mr D. Brent – that’s me.

HE LOOKS THROUGH THE POST VERY DELIBERATELY, KEEPING HIS VISITORS WAITING, RAY AND JUDE STAND THERE AWKWARDLY.

BRENT LEAVES THE MAIL AND STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS HIS OFFICE.

BRENT: Come through.

THEY FOLLOW HIM INTO HIS OFFICE. BRENT REMOVES HIS JACKET WITH A FLOURISH. DAWN CAN’T RESIST ANOTHER SMILE WHEN SHE SEES HIS SHOES.

SCENE 11. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT HANGS UP HIS JACKET AND EASES HIMSELF BEHIND HIS DESK. RAY AND JUDE ARE LEFT TO FIND CHAIRS FOR THEMSELVES.

BRENT: Must, just er …

HE PICKS UP THE PHONE-RECEIVER AND FIDDLES WITH HIS COMPUTER – HE’S JUST TRYING TO LOOK BUSY.

BRENT: Shoot.

RAY: Well, are you aware of what we do?

BRENT: What sort of tip would you want me on if I was to … ?

RAY: We’re looking for people who are dynamic but who are also good communicators,

BRENT: Sure.

RAY: It’s a corporate message but obviously we’re after people who can communicate with young people, with twenty-somethings.

BRENT PUTS HIS LEGS UP ONTO THE DESK – HE’S CLEARLY TRYING TO SHOW OFF HIS NEW SHOES.

THEY ARE GARISH, INAPPROPRIATE, SHINY SLIP-ON SHOES WITH A NOTICEABLE CUBAN HEEL.

RAY: You don’t see heels like those much nowadays.

BRENT: You can still find ’em. Um, what sort of ‘bunce’ would I be looking at?

RAY: Sorry?

BRENT MIMES FINGERING SOME MONEY.

RAY: Well, to start with –

BRENT: What sort of tip would you want me on if I was to … ?

RAY: We’re looking for people who are dynamic but who are also good communicators,

BRENT: Sure.

RAY: It’s a corporate message but obviously we’re after people who can communicate with young people, with twenty-somethings.

BRENT PUTS HIS LEGS UP ONTO THE DESK – HE’S CLEARLY TRYING TO SHOW OFF HIS NEW SHOES.

THEY ARE GARISH, INAPPROPRIATE, SHINY SLIP-ON SHOES WITH A NOTICEABLE CUBAN HEEL.

RAY: You don’t see heels like those much nowadays.

BRENT: You can still find ’em. Um, what sort of ‘bunce’ would I be looking at?

RAY: Sorry?

BRENT MIMES FINGERING SOME MONEY.

RAY: Well, to start with –

BRENT: (interrupting) Bunsen burner. (EXPLAINING) Bunsen burner, nice little earner, hence the –

HE LOOKS AT JUDE, SMILING, TRYING TO IMPRESS WITH HIS JARGON.

BRENT: bunce.

RAY: Well, to begin with we’d put you on about three hundred pounds.

BRENT: (taken aback) Three hundred pounds? Just for an hour’s work?

JUDE: Well, no, you’d only talk for about fifteen minutes.

BRENT: (giggles) Fifteen minutes. That’s, that’s twelve hundred pounds an hour, pro rata. (TO CAMERA) That’s the sort of fee I’d be looking at for this so, you know … Yeah. (TO RAY AND JUDE) When would you want to do it?

JUDE: Well, soon.

BRENT: Count me in. Thank you.

JUDE: Sorry, do you have a diary? We could make some dates now.

BRENT: Absolument.

BRENT PICKS UP HIS DIARY FROM THE DESK. THE BIG PINK DILDO IS UNDERNEATH IT.

BRENT: What’s that?

JUDE: It’s a dildo.

BRENT: (fazed) Is it yours?

JUDE: (insulted) No.

BRENT: No, no, well, well, I dunno. Sorry. This is an example of … problems. Let’s have a look.

BRENT PICKS UP THE DILDO AND GOES OUT TO ADDRESS HIS TEAM. RAY AND JUDE FOLLOW HIM OUT.

BRENT: Okay, everybody. What am I doing in there with a dildo?

PEOPLE REACT.

BRENT: (pointing to JUDE) She says it’s not hers, and I for one believe her.

HE’S POINTING AT JUDE WITH THE DILDO. IT’S A BIT TOO CLOSE TO HER FACE TO BE POLITE.

BRENT: So whose is it?

TRUDY PUTS HER HAND UP.

BRENT: Right. What’s it doing in there?

TRUDY: Well, it’s a birthday present, but I don’t know what it’s doing in there.

BRENT: Birthday, so … Good harmless fun, but you know … Is it today, your birthday? What have we learnt from this?

TRUDY: Not to leave your dildo lying round?

BRENT: Don’t let it out of your sight, because it can wind up anywhere, and it’s … Oh, what’s that?

HE HAS ACCIDENTALLY TRIGGERED THE SWITCH ON THE DILDO. IT STARTS TO MOVE AROUND IN HIS HAND, LEAVING LITTLE TO THE IMAGINATION.

BRENT: (embarrassed) Sorry, how’d you … ? Oh, it’s worse.

THE VIBRATIONS ACCELERATE.

BRENT: What do you do when that happens? Well, you probably … Can you get that, make sure that gets back to …

EMBARRASSED, HE HURRIEDLY HANDS IT TO TIM.

BRENT: Yes, sure, yeah. We were actually in the middle of something, so, and that …

HE TRAILS OFF AND TAKES RAY AND JUDE BACK INSIDE HIS OFFICE.

TIM WAVES THE DILDO IN GARETH’S FACE AGAIN.

SCENE 12. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

RACHEL AND TIM ARE TRYING TO THINK OF MORE OFFICE PRANKS.

TIM: You’ve got to smuggle this somewhere about your person. I’m not saying anything about it, you’ve got to …

RACHEL: What does that mean, “about your person”?

TIM: You’ve got to –

GARETH: Oi, if you want to see bravery, come to me, I’ll do a dare.

TIM: Bravery?

GARETH: Yeah, come on.

TIM: Oh yeah.

RACHEL: Okay, okay, no, alright, okay – I’m gonna phone Dav–, no I’m gonna write things for you to say – come here – and then I’m going to phone David and I want you to say exactly what I write down, okay?

GARETH: No way, you’ll make me sound like a bender.

RACHEL: No, look, I swear I won’t. It’ll just be, it’ll just be funny things –

GARETH: No way.

RACHEL: – that’ll come out cute and that. Come on Gareth.

GARETH: I’m not gonna say anything that makes me sound like a bender.

SHE DIALS BRENT’S NUMBER. THEY PUT IT ON SPEAKER-PHONE. IT RINGS THEN WE HEAR BRENT’S VOICE.

BRENT: Hello?

GARETH: Hi, it’s Gareth.

BRENT: Hiya. I’m in a meeting at the moment, Gareth.

GARETH: Yeah, um, I’m just gonna say a few things.

BRENT: Right.

RACHEL HAS WRITTEN SOMETHING ON A PIECE OF PAPER AND SHE SHOWS IT TO GARETH.

GARETH: You’re doing a great job.

BRENT: Okay. (TO RAY AND JUDE) Just an employee saying what a superb job I’m doing. (TO GARETH) Is that it?

GARETH: No.

SHE SHOWS HIM THE PIECE OF PAPER.

GARETH: I like your little beard.

BRENT: Okay. Is that it?

RACHEL HOLDS UP ONE FINGER.

GARETH: One more thing.

BRENT: What?

GARETH: (reading what she’s written) You should wear tighter trousers.

RACHEL AND TIM STIFLE LAUGHTER.

BRENT: Can I give you a call back?

GARETH: Yep. Bye.

GARETH HANGS UP. RACHEL AND TIM CRACK UP.

TIM: (to RACHEL) That was genius!

GARETH: Thank you.

TIM: (still addressing RACHEL) Genius! Genius!

GARETH LAUGHS, THINKING HE’S PART OF THE FUN. WE SEE DAWN LOOKING AT THE MERRIMENT. TIM AND RACHEL SHARE A HUG. GARETH WATCHES THIS AND AWKWARDLY PUTS HIS ARM ROUND HER.

GARETH: Brilliant.

SCENE 13. INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY.

RAY AND JUDE ARE STILL WITH BRENT.

JUDE: We have a website with profiles of all our speakers on it; would you mind answering a few questions?

BRENT: No. Go for it.

JUDE: Okay. (FILLING IN FORM) If you could have a working lunch with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?

BRENT MUSES ON THIS.

BRENT: Martin Luther King and the Dalai Lama – and Rory Bremner, just to… ‘Cos they could get a bit heavy, couldn’t they, the two of them, and he’d lighten things up. Probably do impressions of them. And me.

JUDE: What’s your biggest disappointment?

BRENT: Alton Towers.

JUDE: (expecting something a bit more profound) Oh. I’ve never been.

BRENT: It’s rubbish. Next.

SCENE 14. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY. DAWN COMES OVER TO TIM.

TIM: Hiya.

DAWN: Still doing practical jokes?

TIM: No, I’m trying to do some work now. Should be giving them a rest.

DAWN: Oh, no, I’ve got some…

TIM: Really?

DAWN: Yeah.

TIM: What you got?

DAWN: Oh. I used to do loads… Oh, what were they…? Ah, you know, we can, we can think of some…

TIM: We can, yeah, absolutely.

DAWN: Some new ones.

TIM: Yeah, okay. Let’s think of some good ones.

DAWN: For?

TIM: For… What about Gareth?

DAWN: Um, possibly.

TIM: It’s about time he had some tricks played on him.

SCENE 15 INT. BRENT’S OFFICE. DAY

JUDE: What would your motto be?

MORE MUSING.

BRENT: Well, I’ve noticed that some bosses are intimidated by training their staff up too well, they don’t… I don’t mind it. I actually like my staff to be better than me. That way, it keeps me on my toes. So my motto would be: “Be careful ‘cos there’s always someone ready to step into your shoes and do your job better… than… you… do it.”

RAY STARES AT BRENT, DIGESTING HIS PROFUNDITY.

SCENE 16. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM IS MEDDLING WITH GARETH’S TELEPHONE. HE IS GLUING THE HANDSET TO THE PHONE ITSELF. DAWN IS WATCHING HIM, SMIRKING.

TIM: Heh heh. I’m gluing the phone in the name of fun.

SCENE 17. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

THERE IS SOME REVELRY GOING ON AT RECEPTION. PEOPLE ARE CHATTERING AND LAUGHING. NEIL IS HANDING OUT PLATES OF CAKE.

BRENT APPEARS FROM HIS OFFICE WITH RAY AND JUDE.

BRENT: What’s this?

OLIVER: Sorry, it’s just a little birthday bash for Trudy. It’s her birthday.

BRENT: Who organised this?

NEIL: I did.

NEIL HANDS A SLICE OF CAKE TO BRENT.

BRENT: (aside, to RAY and JUDE) A bit over the top innit? (TO NEIL) How much did that cost you? We’re paying you too much.

NEIL: No, I made it myself.

BRENT LOOKS SICK.

SLOUGH EMPLOYEE: (impressed) You made it yourself?

OLIVER: Every year he makes them.

BRENT TASTES THE CAKE.

BRENT: Oh, a bit sweet innit? Too rich.

EVERYONE ELSE MAKES “YUMMY” NOISES.

BRENT: (pronouncing to no-one) I prefer a flan.

THIS BRIEFLY STOPS THE MERRIMENT.

SCENE 18. INT. RECEPTION AREA. DAY.

A LITTLE DRINKS PARTY IS UNDER WAY. TIM IS TALKING TO RACHEL. A COUPLE OF SWINDON PEOPLE ARE STANDING CHATTING. WE SEE BRENT SNEAKING BEHIND THEM. HE SIDLES UP.

BRENT: You look like you’re in a meeting. No, it’s just that I’ve just had an interesting meeting. (POINTING OUT RAY) You see those two people over there? They’re business people and er … quite important actually … And they’ve got a business and they arrange seminars, management training seminars, where they get expert speakers to come and train … Sort of John Harvey-Jones-type figures. They’ve asked me, so … Yeah.

HE GRINS SMUGLY AT THE SWINDON PEOPLE. THEY NOD POLITELY BUT NO-ONE’S INTERESTED.

BRENT: That’s perfect for me though, ‘cos not only do I know about that stuff – I’ve got sort of natural authority with people – but I’m an all-round entertainer. So they’ve –

HE SLOWLY AND POMPOUSLY INTERWEAVES HIS FINGERS.

BRENT: Those qualities. Keep it under your hat.

HE STROLLS AWAY, CERTAIN THAT HE’S IMPRESSED THEM. HE POUNCES ON SOME MORE UNSUSPECTING EMPLOYEES.

BRENT: Hey, see those two business people over there …

SCENE 19. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM AND DAWN ARE AT TIM’S DESK. TIM CALLS GARETH’S PHONE, GARETH WALKS OVER AND TRIES TO ANSWER IT. THE WHOLE PHONE COMES UP WITH THE HANDSET AND FLIES ACROSS THE DESK.

TIM AND DAWN BURST INTO LAUGHTER.

GARETH: Was that you? You’re funny. You could have had my eye out.

HIS PHONE IS STILL RINGING. GARETH PRIES IT APART AND SPEAKS INTO THE HANDSET.

GARETH: Hello. Gareth Keenan.

TIM CAN’T BELIEVE HIS LUCK.

TIM: Cock! Thank you. Thank you, oh, glorious!

RACHEL COMES BOUNDING OVER. SHE’S LAUGHING AND SHE’S TOO ENTHUSIASTIC, ACTING LIKE SHE WAS PART OF THE JOKE.

TIM: Did you see that, he still picked it up!

RACHEL: Was that you?

TIM: Did you see him? We glued it …

RACHEL: Was that the superglue? Oh my God.

DAWN REACTS TO THIS. HER EXPRESSION SEEMS TO SAY, “SO HERE SHE IS AGAIN …”

SCENE 20. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

NEIL IS TALKING TO RAY AND JUDE. BRENT SLOPES UP.

RAY: Obviously we wouldn’t take up very much of your time, we just sort of –

NEIL: I really appreciate it, your interest, but I’m just so busy at the moment.

BRENT: What we talking about? What we talking about?

RAY: We’re just trying to involve this chap in motivation. He seems to know what he’s talking about.

BRENT: (annoyed) Oh, after you’ve asked me, it’s a bit rude innit? A bit rude.

RAY: Oh no, we’d use both of you for different seminars –

BRENT: (anxious) I can do them both.

NEIL: Well, I can’t do it anyway.

BRENT: He can’t do it anyway.

RAY: Well, can I have your card just in case?

BRENT: No point, is there?

JUDE: Well we might be able to persuade you.

BRENT: (overly aggressive) Well, he said no once. If he goes back on that, he’s weak, so …

AWKWARD PAUSE.

RAY: Well, anyway, we ought to be going really.

BRENT: Yeah, leave it as agreed. Okay.

RAY: We’ll be in touch, David. Nice to meet you.

NEIL: Nice to meet you. Bye.

BRENT: Bye. Okay.

THEY LEAVE. BRENT IS LEFT WITH NEIL.

BRENT: Oh, so you’re definitely not doing it. You said no, so … I thought you were trying to worm your way in.

NEIL: (trying to be nice) No, I’m not interested.

BRENT: (annoyed) Why? Beneath you, is it?

NEIL: No, I just don’t think you can teach people that sort of thing. Either you can do it or you can’t.

BRENT: Depends who the guru is.

HE POINTS TO HIMSELF.

NEIL: (jokey) Beware of false prophets.

BRENT: No, that’s my point, innit? It’s not all about profits …

NEIL: I meant “prophets” as in –

BRENT: (childish) “I meant, I meant, I meant”. “If only, if only.” “If only my auntie had bollocks she’d be my uncle” –

BRENT WALKS AWAY.

SCENE 21. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING. TRUDY SEEMS TO BE DRINKING A LOT.

RACHEL IS SITTING ON TIM’S DESK WITH A PACK OF TOP TRUMPS. THEY ARE BANTERING FLIRTATIOUSLY. TIM’S TALKING HEAD BEGINS OVER THIS.

TIM TALKING HEAD. INT. DAY.

TIM: No, I don’t talk about my love life for a very good reason and that reason is I don’t have one. Which is good news for the ladies, I suppose, I am still available. I’m a heck of a catch ‘cos, well, let’s look at it, I live in Slough … in a lovely house … with my parents. I have my own room which I’ve had since – yeah, since I was born. That’s seen a lot of action, I tell you. Mainly dusting, but er … I went to university for a year as well, before I dropped out, so I’m a quitter, so yeah: form an orderly queue, ladies.

SCENE 22. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM AND RACHEL ARE PLAYING TOP TRUMPS AND FLIRTING. RACHEL IS GETTING MORE PHYSICAL WITH TIM, TOUCHING HIM AND FALLING TOWARDS HIM. DAWN HAS NOTICED THIS.

TIM: Number of haircuts: is that a valid thing? Are you getting mullered?

RACHEL: Not really.

TIM: Right, you’ve spilled some on your …

HE WHISTLES EUPHEMISTICALLY.

RACHEL: Yeah, I know I have.

GARETH GLANCES OVER JEALOUSLY.

RACHEL: Shall we carry on with the game please?

TIM: I want to carry on. I wish you would. Shoot.

RACHEL STARTS FLICKING THE CARDS ON HIS CHIN.

SCENE 23. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT IS TRYING TO IMPRESS YET ANOTHER EMPLOYEE, JAMIE.

BRENT: But if they want to pay me that for fifteen minutes’ work that is their prerogative, so I’m not … Oh sorry.

HIS MOBILE PHONE RINGS AND HE ANSWERS IT.

BRENT: (to JAMIE) Chris Finch. (INTO PHONE) Finchy! Alright … Go on … “What’s the difference between a fox and a dog?” Go on … Ha ha! “About eight pints of lager”! It’s party time here mate. You coming in?

AS HE IS TALKING WE SEE CHRIS FINCH CREEPING INTO THE OFFICE, WHISPERING INTO HIS MOBILE.

BRENT: (oblivious) You coming in … ? Why not?

FINCH: (yelling in BRENT’s ear) ‘Cause I’m already here, you fat twat.

BRENT REELS IN SHOCK. EVERYONE LAUGHS, INCLUDING NEIL.

BRENT: (to NEIL) Hey Finchy. Chris Finch. Here he is. Neil, a very good friend: Chris Finch.

NEIL: Yeah, I know Chris, he nicks all my jokes.

FINCH: I do not nick ‘em, I borrow ‘em.

THEY SHAKE HANDS IN A STREETWISE STYLE.

FINCH: Hey, has that Lisa moved up here?

NEIL: No, she left. She’s looking for a job.

FINCH: Well, if it’s a blowjob. I can help her.

NEIL: She’s not that desperate for money.

FINCH: Tell her I’ll take her up the “dole office”.

HE MIMES SHAGGING. BRENT LAUGHS.

NEIL: The “dole orifice”.

BRENT: Rubbish.

BRENT TURNS UP HIS NOSE AT THIS, BUT FINCH LAUGHS. THIS ANNOYS BRENT.

FINCH: Well, I’ve got a vacancy she can fill.

BRENT: That’s better. His work. Don’t try and ___.

SCENE 24. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

THE PARTY CONTINUES. TRUDY IS POURING HERSELF ANOTHER DRINK AND CHATTING TO OLIVER.

WE SEE NEIL AND FINCH. THEY ARE CHATTING LIKE OLD FRIENDS.

RACHEL IS SITTING LOOKING THROUGH THE TOP-TRUMPS CARDS. GARETH CORNERS HER.

GARETH: If you like Top Trumps you should come to me. I’ve got about five different sets. Don’t try and beat me on Monster Trucks, though, ‘cos you won’t. My speciality.

RACHEL: Yeah, it’s a game of chance though, isn’t it? It’s what you –

GARETH: No it’s not. I would know what cards you’ve got immediately just through which cards I’ve got. I used to play it just by myself, with a dummy hand just testing out every different scenario of which cards would beat which other cards, for hours, sometimes three or four hours at a time. But, put in the work, the rewards are obvious.

SHE STARES BLANKLY AT HIM.

GARETH: So I’d know exactly what card you’ve got in your hand from what cards I’ve got and I would know, probability-wise, exactly what feature to pick on my card to defeat, statistically, any card that you could have in your hand at that precise moment. You will never win.

SHE STARES AT HIM.

GARETH: Could still be fun though.

SCENE 25. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT IS TRYING TO IMPRESS BIG KEITH. FINCH AND ANOTHER EMPLOYEE ARE STANDING NEARBY.

BRENT: Do you know what I’m getting for, what they’re paying me for this?

KEITH: No.

BRENT: Fifteen minutes’ work, yeah? Three hundred quid. So –

KEITH: Twelve hundred quid an hour.

BRENT: You do the math.

KEITH: Yeah, it’d be twelve hundred quid an hour.

BRENT: So that’s the sort of …

TRUDY COMES UP TO THEM.

TRUDY: Can I have a birthday kiss please?

EMPLOYEE: You certainly can.

SHE KISSES THE EMPLOYEE ON THE LIPS, THEN MOVES ON TO FINCH.

FINCH: Alright. No tongues.

SHE KISSES FINCH, THEN MOVES ON TO BIG KEITH, BUT THEN STRAIGHT PAST BRENT, WHO HAD BEEN EAGERLY AWAITING HIS KISS.

BRENT: Oh, that’s, that’s good, innit? She didn’t ask me out of respect. Knows I’d say “No”. Good. She didn’t cross a boundary and that’s, that’s … you know … Good girl.

SCENE 26. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TRUDY, DRINK IN HAND, IS SITTING ON OLIVER’S LAP. HE’S BOUNCING HER UP AND DOWN.

FINCH PASSES BY.

FINCH: That’s a good idea. I always do them from behind if I don’t like their face.

TRUDY: Ooh, cheeky bastard. (TO OLIVER) You like my face, don’t you, love?

OLIVER: I love your face. I think you’re beautiful.

TRUDY: Well, you can still do me from behind anyway.

OLIVER: Oh, I’ll bear that in mind then.

THEY BOTH LAUGH. OLIVER CARRIES ON TALKING TO SOMEONE ELSE.

GARETH, WHO HAS OVERHEARD ALL THIS, LEANS DOWN TO SPEAK TO TRUDY.

GARETH: I’ll do you from behind if you want — if it’s just a quick in and out, no strings attached.

TRUDY: That’s really sweet. Why don’t you put that in an e-mail to me?

GARETH: (nodding) Alright.

HE WALKS AWAY, CONGRATULATING HIMSELF ON HIS SUCCESS WITH THE LADIES.

SCENE 27. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING. FINCH AND NEIL ARE STILL CHATTING AND JOKING TOGETHER. TRUDY IS ENTHUSIASTICALLY KISSING A COLLEAGUE. BRENT LOOKS OVER ENVIOUSLY. EVENTUALLY HE SIDLES UP AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO TRUDY.

BRENT:
Birthday girl.

TRUDY:
Hello.

BRENT:
Hello. You alright?

TRUDY:
Great.

BRENT:
Yeah. I just want to have a quick word. I’ve seen you, I know it’s your birthday and you’re flirting with everyone, you’re mucking around, you know, but er, I know you wouldn’t take it any further.

TRUDY: (a bit the worse for wear)
Oh, I would!

BRENT:
Would you?

TRUDY:
Yeah!

BRENT:
Well, why not, you know. It’s all equal here –

TRUDY:
Well, I’m just having a laugh, aren’t I?

BRENT:
I know you are. It’s just that I don’t know what you’re after!

TRUDY:
A man hung like a shire-horse.

BRENT: (embarrassed but soldiering on)
Big, aren’t they, big magnificent animals? Say what you mean, don’t you? I’m just not sure you’re gonna find what you’re after.

TRUDY:
See, I’d ask you, but you’re a bit old really.

BRENT: (annoyed)
Thirties. Give me a break.

TRUDY:
Born in the thirties, you mean.

BRENT:
You’re having a laugh, you’re having a laugh. No. I’m thirty something – I’m, I’m … thirties.

TRUDY:
Yeah, but you’ve let yourself go a bit, haven’t you?

BRENT: (suddenly very angry)
I’ve let myself go a bit? Take a look at yourself. You’re an embarrassment, love, to be honest.

HE WALKS AWAY, CROSS.

SCENE 28. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

TIM AND RACHEL ARE TALKING TO BEN AND JAMIE. WE NOTICE THAT, ALMOST UNSEEN, TIM TOUCHES RACHEL’S WAIST AND HER HAND REACHES UP TO TOUCH HIS.

SCENE 29. INT. OPEN-PLAN OFFICE. DAY.

BRENT IS CHATTING TO GARETH AND FINCH. NEIL COMES OVER. THE CORRS’ ‘DREAMS’ IS PLAYING ON THE OFFICE STEREO.

NEIL: (referring to the music)
Who’s this?

FINCH:
It’s the Corrs isn’t it?

NEIL:
Oh, they’re alright, the Corrs. They’ve written some good tunes.

BRENT:
Yeah, they didn’t write that one though.

NEIL:
No? Who was that then?

BRENT: (pleased)
Don’t you know?

NEIL:
No.

BRENT: (milking it)
Oh, not into pop music, I suppose?

NEIL:
Well, I prefer R’n’B really. So who wrote that?

BRENT:
Fleetwood Mac and I prefer their version as well.

NEIL:
Yeah, well, I know who I’d rather wake up with.

BRENT:
Ooh, sexist, Neil.

FINCH:
They can play my instrument any day.

BRENT:
Oh, bawdy. I don’t think you pull women like the Corrs with that sort of attitude, Chris, so …

FINCH:
Yeah, ‘cos you’d know.

BRENT:
Well, I don’t know why you’re laughing because I’m a dark horse, so you don’t –

FINCH:
Yeah, like you could get anyone like the Corrs.

BRENT:
Yeah, what? Well, just ‘cos I don’t kiss and tell doesn’t mean I don’t get –

FINCH:
You don’t normally kiss, so you’ve got nothing to tell.

PEOPLE LAUGH, INCLUDING NEIL.

BRENT:
No, no …

NEIL:
Knowing him, he’d end up with the brother.

PEOPLE LAUGH.

BRENT: (snapping)
No, I wouldn’t. No, I wouldn’t. No, I’d push the brother out the room, I’d get the other three, and I’d bend ’em all over –

HE MIMES THIS IN ALL ITS GROTESQUE GLORY.

BRENT:
– and I’d do the drummer, the lead singer, and that one who plays the violin.

BRENT MIMES VIOLENTLY SHAGGING THE CORRS. PEOPLE STOP TALKING AND LOOK AT HIM. THERE’S A PAINFUL SILENCE. BRENT REALISES HE’S GONE TOO FAR.

BRENT: (pointing to NEIL)
Oh, see. Your fault, putting filth in people’s minds.

THE SILENCE CONTINUES.

CLOSING MUSIC AND END CREDITS, THEN:

PEOPLE ARE MAKING THEIR WAY HOME.

HEADLIGHTS SUDDENLY ILLUMINATE TWO FIGURES CROUCHED BETWEEN A COUPLE OF PARKED CARS.

WE SEE THAT ONE OF THE FIGURES IS CHRIS FINCH, DOING TRUDY FROM BEHIND.

AS QUICKLY AS THEY HAVE APPEARED THEY DISAPPEAR AGAIN AS THE CAR LIGHTS FADE, BUT FAINTLY WE CAN HEAR THEIR VOICES.

TRUDY:
My knees hurt.

FINCH:
Nearly done.