Downsize was the 1st episode of The Office (UK) series 1. It aired July 9th 2001 on BBC2. Written and directed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.
[Opening credits]
[Regional manager David Brent is in his office clicking a pen]
David: I don’t give shitty jobs. If a good man comes to me and says “Thank you David for the opportunity and continued support in the work related arena, but I’ve done that. I want to better myself, I want to move on.” then I can make that dream come true to AKA for you.
The point is you talk the talk but don’t walk the walk vis-a-vis you’ve not yet passed your forklift driver’s test. The man who gives the jobs in the warehouse is a personal friend of mine, alright? I know you’re the man for the job. [On phone] Sammy, you old slag. It’s the Brentmeister general. Have you advertised the forklift driver’s job? No, good, don’t bother, I’ve got the man here. He’s “perfeck”. Has he passed his forklift driver’s test?
He gives the tests. Yeah, yeah, he’s first aid trained. Yeah, we’ll get a CV over to you this afternoon. I’m seeing you Sunday, aren’t I? For my sins. How is Elaine, she left you yet? Yeah, alright, see you then. [Hangs up] She has left him, I forgot about that. [A shot of the office is shown, before the phone rings] David Brent?
[David is giving a tour of the office]
David: I’ve been in the business for twelve years. Been at Wernham-Hogg as general manager for eight of those so putting together my team. Lovely Dawn. Dawn Tinsley, receptionist. Been with us for ages, haven’t you?
Dawn: Yeah.
David: I’d say at one time or another, every bloke in the office has woken up to the crack of Dawn.
Dawn: What?
David: Can I have the mail, please?
Dawn: Yeah, just a fax.
David: Dawn, this is from Head Office.
Dawn: I know.
David: How many times have I told you, there’s a special filing cabinet for things from Head Office.
Dawn: You haven’t told me…
David: [Scrunches up and throws away the fax] It’s called the wastepaper basket! You’re face! Better get that back.
[David is being interviewed]
David: People say I’m the best boss. They go “Oh, we’ve never worked in a place like this before, you’re such a laugh, you get the best out of us.” and I go, ya know, “c’est la vie.” If that’s true, excellent.
[David is at reception with Dawn]
David: Beer. Be gentle with me, Dawn
Dawn: Why’s that then?
David: Oh God, had a skinful last night. Was out with Finchy, Chris Finch. Had us on a pub crawl. El vino did flow. I was blathered. Bladdered. Blottoed. Oh, don’t ever come out with me and FInchy.
Dawn: No, I won’t.
David: Oh, you gotta go for it. There’s guys my age and they look 50! How old do you think I look?
Dawn: Thirty s-
David: Thirty! Yeah. Yeah. About that. Yeah. But I’m going to have to slow down. Drinking a bit too much. If every single night of the week is too much.
Dawn: And every lunch time.
David: How many have I had this week?
Dawn: What?
David: How many pints have I drunk this week….if you’re counting?
Dawn: I’m not counting!
David: Aren’t you? Well you seem to know a lot about my drinking. Does it offend you? Huh? Ya know. Getting a little bit, a little bit personal. Imagine if I started doing that with you. I could come up with something witty or biting like “You’re a bit.” but I don’t cause I’m a professional and professionalism is… and that is what I want. OK? That’s all. That’s a shame.
[Gareth comes into work and hits Tim with a newspaper]
Gareth: Wazzup!
Tim: Don’t do that!
Gareth: Alright? What is it, time of the month? Just the eight pints for me last night then. That’s all. [Looks at newspaper] Oh no, oh God! “Boss and team leader in drunken night out! Shock horror!” it says here. It’s not like I’m out again tonight with Oggy. That’ll be a quiet night in at the library… not. I don’t think.
[Tim is being interviewed]
Tim: I’m a sales rep, which means that my job is to speak to clients on the phone about quantity and type of paper, whether we can supply it to them and whether they can pay for it… and I’m boring myself talking about it because…
[David interrupts Tim and Gareth, who are working]
David: Wazzup!
Tim: Hey! Wazzup!
David: Wazzup. You’re fired, Keenan. Drunkard! Hypocrite warning! Oh God, what’s he been saying? It’s all true, guilty as charged. Oh yeah, went out with a few of his mates, didn’t we? And, uh, he goes “Well, tag along if you want but I must warn you David, they do get a bit rowdy after a few pints.” and I went “I’ll see if I can stand it.” I was worse than them by the end! [Laughs] And they’re going, “Who’s that nutter?” “That’s my boss.” “We can’t stand it, we’re going” They just left, didn’t they?! Oh God, absolutely mental. Resolve! What?
Tim: Nothing.
David: See you later.
Gareth: See you later.
Tim: Take care.
[David’s boss, Jennifer Taylor-Clarke comes into the office]
Jennifer: Listen, would you mind giving maintenance a call? There’s a nasty smell in the lift.
[David is giving an interview]
David: Head Office don’t really interfere with me at all. Um, uh, Jennifer might come down once a week. Jennifer Taylor-Clarke. I call her, uh, Camilla Parker-Bowles. Not to her face! But I mean not because I’m scared of her!
[David is in a meeting with Jennifer]
David: I got them off Nobby Burton who comes round with a suitcase. Two for a tenner? Yes please! Four? OK, meeting with Jennifer Taylor-Clarke. Present.
Jennifer: Right.
David: Shoot.
Jennifer: Was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?
David: Did nor get an agenda.
Jennifer: Sorry?
David: Did not get an agenda, no.
Jennifer: I did fax you one this morning.
David: Have we got a fax, Dawn?
Dawn: Yeah we may have.
David: Then why isn’t it in my hand? Because a company runs on efficiency of communication.
Dawn: You put it in the bin that was a special filing cabinet.
David: As a joke, yeah. It’s not even my joke, it’s my brother’s joke. It’s meant to be with bills, doesn’t really work with faxes.
Jennifer: Do you want to have a look at mine?
David: Yeah.
[David is in an interview]
David: Yeah, sure, she’d, she’d, she’d say she was the boss, yeah, but there should be no ego when you’re pulling together to do something good, yeah? It’s like Comic Relief – Eh? I’m out here in Africa and I’m seeing the flies and starvation, and she, if she is the boss, she’s in a studio with, you know, Jonathan Ross and Lenny Henry, they got their suits on, they’re doing their bit, they’re counting the money, good luck to them, but their hands are clean while I’m down here in the office with little starving kids.
[Cuts back to the meeting between David and Jennifer]
Jennifer: Right, since the last meeting Alan and the board have have decided that we can’t justify a Swindon branch and a Slough branch.
David: OK, go on.
Jennifer: David, don’t panic.
David: Should be good, this is it. Go on.
Jennifer: No, no, listen David, no, no, don’t panic, we haven’t made any decisions…
David: Don’t panic?
Jennifer: We haven’t made any decisions yet. I’ve spoken to Neil in Swindon, I’ve told him the same as you.
David: Yeah?
Jennifer: And it’s up to either you or him to convince me that your branch could incorporate the other.
David: OK. No problem.
Jennifer: This does however mean…
David: Yeah?
Jennifer: That there are going to be redundancies.
David: Oh, I see. Did no want to hear that, Jenny. Because redundancies are a tragedy always. I wouldn’t wish that on Neil’s men, I certainly wouldn’t wish that on my men… or women, present company accepted. Is Neil concerned about redundancies?
Jennifer: Well he is, of course, yes.
David: Cause I’m very concerned about redundancies. Although I understand if they are very necessary, as a businessman, then they have to… Does he understand?
Jennifer: David?
David: Go on.
Jennifer: Can we not talk about redundancies?
David: We have to sooner or later.
Jennifer: Yes, but at the moment what we have to decide is that do you take on Swindon’s people at this branch or the other way around?
David: Yeah, we’ll take on theirs.
Jennifer: No.
David: No?
Jennifer: No. You and I don’t decide. I decide.
David: You do decide but…
Jennifer: Once you’ve made your case.
David: Based on factors. OK? Is there a time limit on…? [Phone rings] Let it go to answer machine.
David (On answer phone): Hi mate, not around at the moment so please leave a mess-ARGE.
[Bleep]
Finchy: Alright Dave? It’s the Finch.
David: Chris Finch, bloody good rep.
Finchy: Got a hangover you big poof?
David: Ah, that’s derogatory. That’s a shame.
Finchy: Hey, You’re with that Jennifer whats-her-face today, aren’t you? Give her one from me, son.
David: Ah…
Finchy: Cheers big ears.
David: Awful, awful man.
Finchy: Stop looking up her skirt.
Jennifer: David…
David: I wasn’t…
Jennifer: Can we keep a lid on things for the time being. I really don’t want to worry people unduly.
David: No. Under this regime, Jenny, this will not leave the office.
[Shots of the office employees discussing redundancy are shown]
Jamie: So what does redundancy actually mean?
Emma: So you’d just go, would you?
Keith: Would you?
Emma: I don’t know.
[Dawn and Tim are discussing redundancies]
Tim: Keith and Jamie and all are having these little…
Dawn: I know, they’ve gone mad.
Tim: Sort of clandestine little chats about…
Dawn: I actually don’t give a monkey’s. Do you?
Tim: I couldn’t give a shit.
[The new temporary employee, Ricky Howard, is waiting in reception]
Dawn: This is Mr Brent.
David: Guilty.
Ricky: Alright? Hi. Ricky Howard from the temping agency. Verna sent me down to start today.
David: Temporary. Start. Ricky?
Ricky: Yeah.
David: “Rickaaaay! Ricky! No! Ricky!” What’s his girlfriend’s name on EastEnders?
Ricky: Bianca.
David: “Ricky! Leave it!” Did she tell you I was mad?
Ricky: Yeah, she said you had a nervous breakdown.
David: I haven’t had a nervous breakdown so…
Ricky: No, she said that as a joke. She said you were a good laugh and…
David: We all are, aren’t we? Part of my job description now, innit? Unofficially. OK, let’s get you started. Into the fray!
[David is in an interview]
David: What upsets me about the job? Erm, wasted talent, yeah? People could come to me and they’d go, “excuse me, David, but you’ve been in the business for twelve years, can you just spare us a moment to tell us how to, ya know, run a team, how to keep them task-orientated as well as happy”. But they don’t. That’s the tragedy.
[David is showing Ricky around the office]
David: This is the accounts department, right? The number bods. Do not be fooled by their… job descriptions – They are absolutely mad, all of them. Especially that one [Camera focuses on Keith] He’s mental. Not literally, obviously, that wouldn’t work. Last place you’d want someone like that… is in… accounts. [Holds up a bin] This is the, uh, recycling bin. Obviously we get through a lot of paper. We make a lot. Actually, we sell it. Yeah, doesn’t grow on trees. [Ricky laughs] You know, yeah, it’s pulp.
[Gareth is moving things across his and Tim’s desks]
Tim: Sorry Mr Davis, can I just call you back? Something’s just come up. Two minutes. Thanks very much, bye. [Hangs up] What are you doing?
Gareth: What?
Tim: Gareth, what are you doing.
Gareth: I’m just pushing the stuff off my desk, I can’t concentrate…
Tim: It wasn’t on your desk!
Gareth: It was! It’s all overlapping, coming over the edge here. Alright? One word, two syllables: “demarcation.” Alright?
[David is messing with a plant]
David: David Brent I presume. I do that just to cheer these lot up. Send the out to get some plants, the girls can make someone a little happier cause they can sometimes get a little bit… [Tries to turn on a Big Mouth Billy Bass] Oh, it’s run out of batteries. Can we get some batteries for Billy Big Mouth? Take it out of petty cash
Sheila: Alright.
David: Can’t put a price on comedy.
[Tim and Gareth are arguing]
Tim: You’re a twat Gareth, you’re a twat and a knob end.
Gareth: I’m still not listening so it’s not offending me.
Tim: Right, so you won’t hear this. You’re a cock, you’re a cock, you’re a cock… you’re a cock.
[David shows Ricky a noticeboard with drawings on it]
David: Look, this is the sort of work we’re doing. Cartoons. “Does my bum look big in these?” It’s not sexist that’s the bloke saying it… at last. So, all for that, all for that in the workplace.
[Ricky is talking to David about his exam results]
Ricky: Managed to scrape a first in the end.
[David shows Ricky a Flat Eric puppet]
David: You’ve met Tim, haven’t you?
Tim: Hello.
Ricky: Alright.
David: Oh, careful, watch this one! Gareth Keenan in the area!
Ricky: Ricky, new temp.
Gareth: Hi, good to see you.
David: Introduce yourself.
Gareth: Gareth Keenan, Assistant Regional Manager.
David: Assistant to the Regional Manager. Gareth’s my right hand man, immediately beneath me, oh! As an actress said to the bishop! No he’s not. Tell him about you car and you kung-fu and everything.
Gareth: Yeah, I got a TR3, bought it for 1200, uh, done it up, now it’s worth three grand.
David: Profit on that. Just under…
Gareth: New suspension, new engine…
David: Just a wreck…
Gareth: Respray. I got some photos.
David: Done it himself.
Gareth: [Opens his desk and closes it again] Oh what is that?!
David: Woah, woah, woah, woah…
Gareth: Right, that is it!
David: Slow down, you move too fast, Solomon’s here. All part of the job, what’s going on.
Gareth: [Takes out his stapler, which is encased in jelly] He’s put my stapler inside a jelly again. That’s the third time he’s done it, it wasn’t even funny the first time.
David: Why’s he done that?
Gareth: I told him once that I don’t like jelly. I don’t trust the way it moves.
David: Yeah, you showed your weakness, he pounced. You should know about that. Uh, what is in there?
Gareth: It’s my stapler. [Attempts to rip his stapler out]
David: Well don’t to that! Well eat it out! There’s people starving in the world [Looks at camera] Which I hate so…, and it’s a waste so. How do you know it’s yours?
Gareth: Cause it’s got my name on it in Tipp-ex!
David: Yeah, don’t eat it now. Chemicals.
Gareth: Right, you can be my witness. Give him an official warning.
Tim: How do you know it was me?
Gareth: It’s always you!
David: Mad here!
Gareth: Can’t you discipline him?
David: Ooh, kinky! No, the thing about practical jokes is that you gotta know when to stop as well as start and now is the time to stop putting Gareth’s personal possessions in jelly, alright?
Tim: Gareth, it’s only a trifling matter.
David: [Laughs] Here we go! We’re always like this.
Ricky: You should’ve put him in custard-y
David: [Laughs] He’s gonna fit in here! We’re like Vic and Bob, aren’t we? And one extra one. Oh God!
Gareth: Yeah, I’m more worried really, about damage to company property, that’s all.
David: “Trifling…” [Silence] I’m just trying to think of more desserts.
[Gareth is in an interview]
Gareth: Yeah, it’s alright here, but people do sometimes take advantage because it’s so relaxed. You know, I like to have a laugh just as much as the next man, but this is a place of work. You know I was in the Territorial Army for three years and you can’t muck about there. That’s not one of the rules.
[Tim is working when Gareth comes over to his desk]
Tim: Hey dude. [High fives him]
Gareth: Give it back.
Tim: I’m just using it for a second.
Gareth: [Takes the stapler from him] It’s got my name on it! “Gareth!”
Tim: Yeah, it says “Garet,” actually, but…
Gareth: Ask if you want to borrow it!
Tim: But you always say “No.” so what’s the point?
Gareth: Perhaps then that’s why you should ask.
Tim: Gareth, it was just there, OK?
Gareth: Yeah, that’s its home. Leave it there.
Tim: OK. OK. OK. [Takes the stapler and runs away]
Gareth: Phillip, get that off him! Get that off him!
Tim: [Puts his hand outside the window] Stay where you are! I’m gonna let this go unless you stop acting like a fool.
Gareth: Well you won’t, so…
Tim: [Takes his hand out off the window] Well I have, so…
Gareth: What if that killed someone?
Tim: Oh, killed someone? They’ll think you’re the murderer cause it’s got you’re name on it.
Gareth: Why would a murderer put his name on a muder weapon?
Tim: To stop people borrowing it.
Gareth: David…
Tim: I hate the fact you bring me down to this, I really do. I was acting….
Gareth: I don’t know why you’re laughing.
Tim: Well leave her out of it, you carry on. Listen, you bring me down to this, mate!
[Dawn is having lunch when David interrupts her]
David: Hey. What’s that? [Looks at her book] “Popcorn”, Ben Elton. Funny?
Dawn: It’s alright, yeah.
David: Had a bit of a scare earlier.
Dawn: Did you?
David: I thought I found a lump and I mean I examine myself regularly but it’s fine. Terrifying. Testicular cancer. Cancer of them old testicles. [Points to her lunch] What’s that?
Dawn: It’s a bit of Brie.
David: What from down there…? See you later.
[Gareth is on the phone]
Gareth: I just got a complaint from a very important client saying that, uh, the figures I gave him were wrong and… yeah, well, great, all other possibilities, ya know, it’s come down to the calculator. Well, I don’t know, circuitry? Sorry, who is this I’m talking to?
[David is discussing downsizing with two female employees]
Sheila: Is it true or not?
David: I don’t know, I don’t where you’re… what source your little bird is from.
[Gareth is still on the phone]
Gareth: Alright, alright, you give me sum then. No, no, you give me a sum, I’ll try it out, alright, yeah, plus 52 equals 141. Alright you win that one, that time it was correct.
[David is discussing downsizing]
David: There’s nothing set straight. I am being straight, I’m gonna be straight with you now. I can’t tell you at the moment.
[Tim is stacking boxes between his and Gareth’s desks]
Tim: Acting like a kid, do you know what I mean?
[Gareth comes over to his desk]
Gareth: What are you doing?
Tim: I don’t actually want to have a look at you, Gareth.
Gareth: You can’t do that.
Tim: Why not?
Gareth: Health and safety.
Tim: Heath and… Um, why? Crushed by cardboard or what?
Gareth: No, number one: Blocking out light. Number two: Misuse of company files.
Tim: Misuse of files? Yeah, this is why the whole redundancy thing doesn’t bother me because if I have to work with him for another day, I am just going to.. I will slit my throat. [Mimes throat slashing] You know…
Gareth: Yeah you won’t do it like that though. You need to get the knife behind the windpipe and pull it down like that.
Tim: Or I could just apply for another job.
[David is holding a meeting with the staff]
David: Careful. OK, um, thanks for coming in, um, this’ll take a minute, er, right, I am aware of the rumors that have been circulating, and I just want to take this opportunity to put the record straight.
Gareth: Hey! I’m team leader, I should know first.
David: Yeah I’m telling everyone now.
Gareth: Just tell me very quickly, just whisper it to me.
Malcolm: Can’t you just tell us?!
Gareth: Yeah alright, alright. Shall I tell them?
David: You don’t know what it is.
Gareth: Alright you tell them with my permission.
David: I don’t need your permission.
Gareth: Permission granted. Use it as you wish.
David: Head Office have deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me, and Jennifer is talking of either downsizing Swindon branch or this branch.
Malcolm: And are you going to let her?
David: No, Malcolm, cause you didn’t see me in there with her.
Gareth: For his eyes only.
David: I said, “If Head Office try and come in here and interfere, they got me to contend with. OK? You can go and fiddle with Neil’s people but I’m the head of this family. You’re not going to fiddle with my children, are you? I am, if anyone does.”
Emma: Yeah but David, if they do downsize here then…
David: Yeah? Well what? You think I’d let that happen? No way, it won’t be out of my hands Malcolm, and that’s a promise. OK?
Malcolm: Can you promise that?
Gareth: On his mother’s grave.
David: Yeah. Well, I have promised it, OK? And it insults me that you’d even have to ask.
Malcolm: It’s just that…
David: Sorry Malcolm, Dawn wants to speak.
Dawn: It’s just that I’m…
David: Yep.
Dawn: I was in the meeting with Jennifer and she said it could be this branch that gets the chop.
David: Well, if you were in the meeting with Jennifer then maybe you should adhere to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meeting. So…
Gareth: Yeah. Information is power.
Malcolm: So you can’t say for certain whether it’s going to be us or them.
David: This is my ship and I’m asking you trust me and you can’t go wrong.
Malcolm: It’s not a question of trust.
David: It is a question of trust, Malcolm. Yeah, yeah. It is a question of trust. Do you trust me? Do you trust me, yes or no?
Malcolm: Yes I trust you.
David: He does, so, meeting adjourned.
[Everyone prepares to go back to work]
Gareth: Good, excellent. I’d have said much the same. Can I just ask: Do you trust me? Hands up if you trust me.
David: You don’t have to…
Gareth: Yeah, well, you asked them.
David: Put you hand down.
Gareth: I need to know, I’m Assistant Regional Manager.
David: Assistant to the Regional Manager. Now go.
[Gareth is in an interview]
Gareth: I’m not worried for me, I’ll be alright. But if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean that’s just natural selection. In the wild, some people wouldn’t survive. I mean, ya know, imagine a warehouse where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. OK, he can’t see over the top, he’s got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals cause o’his little legs. I mean Anton’s a lovely bloke, don’t get me wrong, but, should he be working here?
[Tim and Gareth are working; Tim has placed boxes between his and Gareth’s desks]
Gareth: Have you got prices for matte-coated SRA1?
Tim: If I can’t see you, I can’t hear you, Gareth.
[Gareth gets up and looks over the boxes]
Gareth: Just tell me, will you?
Tim: No, I can’t here you. If you want to speak to me, give me a ring, OK?
[Phone rings]
Gareth: It’s on voicemail.
Tim: Leave a message.
Gareth: Hi, it’s me, Gareth. I need a price on matte-coated… Oh, this is stupid.
Tim: Yeah,it is, this is stupid. You’re so… Sorry mate, what do you want? [Gets up and walks off]
Gareth: I need a tonnage price on matte-coated SRA1 cause I’ve got 160 down here but I’m sure that isn’t right because when I spoke to Glyn earlier on, he… Right, I know you’re not there, and obviously you can’t hear that. But, I’m not talking to myself because they’re filming. [Looks over the boxes to see if Tim has really left.]
[Tim and Dawn are together]
Tim: That feels nice, actually. Do a little bit with your nails.
Dawn: Ssh! That’s no different, you can’t do anything with your hair at all.
Tim: Right.
[David is continuing to show Ricky around the office]
David: Oh no trouble. Sanj! This is Sanj, this is Ricky.
Sanj: Hello, mate.
Ricky: Nice to see you. Temporary employee.
Sanj: You doing alright?
David: This guy does the best Ali G impersonation. Ay! I can’t. You do it.
Sanj: I…
David: Go on.
Sanj: I don’t. I think you’ve got someone else.
David: Sorry, it’s not you, it’s the other one.
Sanj: The other, the other what?
David: Er…
Sanj: Paki?
David: Ah, that’s racist.
[David is in an interview]
David: No, I don’t have a-a great many ethnic employees, that’s true, but it’s not company policy. I-I haven’t got a sign on the door which says “White people only.” You know? I don’t care if you’re black, brown, yellow, yeah. Orientals make very good workers, for example.
[Tim is with Dawn at reception]
Tim: Would you like a drink at the end of the week?
Dawn: Yep.
Tim: Well this is why we’re going out…
Dawn: When are you going out?
Tim: So we can have an end of the week drink.
Dawn: When are you going out?
Tim: Well tonight hopefully, I thought.
Dawn: Er yeah.
[Dawn’s fiancé Lee comes into the office]
Tim: Hi, mate.
Dawn: Hi.
Lee: Hi, sweetheart. You ready yet?
Dawn: Yeah. Would you mind if I went out for a drink with this lot?
Lee: No no no, let’s go home, yeah?
Dawn: OK. I’ll be a couple of minutes cause it’s 20 past 5.
Tim: You should come, it’ll be a laugh.
Lee: No, I’d love to mate, you alright, bust seriously, we gotta go.
Tim: Um… What’s in the bag?
Lee: Just tell her I’ll see her later, OK.
Tim: Certainly will, mate.
Lee: See you later. [Leaves]
Tim: Take care.
[David is with Ricky in his office]
David: Dreaded first day.
Ricky: You alright.
David: You’ve seen the vibe?
Ricky: Yeah.
David: Chilled out?
Ricky: Dunno.
David: Oh, dear. We work hard, I mean we play hard. Play hard when we should be working hard sometimes. Partly down to me, sure. Um, I let them get away with murder and generally they let me get away with murder, girls love me. But, uh, not in that way. But, uh, you know, I suppose I’ve created an atmosphere where I am a friend first and a boss second. Probably an entertainer third. [Knock on door] Hold on! Practical jokes, yeah?
Ricky: Right.
David: Practical joke.
Ricky: OK
David: Don’t give me away. Come in. [Dawn comes in] …And then Head Office said, uh, “Yeah…”
Dawn: Fax for you.
David: Thanks. Don’t go, Dawn. Could you pull up a chair, I was going to call you in anyway. I need a quick word. Erm, as you are aware, there are going to be redundancies and you’ve made my life easier in as much as I’m asking to let you go first.
Dawn: What?! Why?!
David: Why? Stealing, thieving.
Dawn: Thieving?!
David: Yeah.
Dawn: Er, er, what am I meant to have stolen?
David: Post-it notes.
Dawn: Post-it notes? What are they worth about 12p?
David: Oh, got your bible on you, Ricky?
Ricky: No.
David: Thou shalt not steal unless it is worth 12p. You steal a thousand Post-it notes at 12p, you’ve made…profit…on that.
Dawn: Why would I steal Post-it notes?
David: To make the little things on the ends of joints.
Ricky: Roaches.
David: Roaches. Caught you, drug addict. No, I’m just…
Dawn: Are you serious? I can’t…God, I’ve never stolen as much as a paper clip and you’re firing me.
David: And the good news is I don’t need to give you any severance pay because it’s gross misconduct. So you can go straight away. [Dawn starts crying] Oh, that was a joke there. Good girl. It’s a joke we were doing. Well done, settling in. Practical jokes for the good. Thanks for these, check them out. Better do these now, actually.
Dawn: You wanker.
David: Come on.
Dawn: You’re such a sad little man.
David: Am I? Didn’t know that.
[David is in an interview]
David: What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It’s the people. Investment in people. Yeah. My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profit by 17% or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No, it was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English but he came to me and he went, “Mr Brent, will you be the godfather to my child?” So… Didn’t happen in the end, we had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish.
[End of “Downsize.” After the end credits, Gareth comes to David in his office with a plate of jelly which contains his stapler.]